Factory Joke Thread – January 2015

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I’ve Reached Safely Date: 21 st July, 2004
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …

Sevareid’s Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Thoreau’s Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Peer’s Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Lyall’s Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.

Lyall’s Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that’s missing.

Pournelle’s Law of Costs and Schedules: Everything costs more and takes longer.

An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, ...I would suggest that you avoid the donuts entirely."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yzzmop7ae0I

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. " And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"

A gentleman reported the following:
"I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat.

To top it off, it was raining so I couldn't go for a walk, bike or run.

The garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn't go anywhere in the car.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remember that this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.



Discover something new.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once, by mistake. Call Stephanie.

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank.....the midget."

The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: Nah, I just thought that maybe you're lonely being the only one standing.

Default Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I
know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK,
Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I
can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock
on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave!
What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a
beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After
they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks
him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup,"
Dave say's, "OId buddies, let's fly out to Washington
and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots
Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over,
saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to
a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and Iet's
have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally
convinced. After they leave the White House grounds
he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores
him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "l've known the Pope for years." So
off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at
the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This
will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let
me just go upstairs and l'II come out on the balcony
with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the
Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the
Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he
finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What
happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "lt was the final straw
you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the
man next to me said, 'Who the hell is that on the
balcony with Dave?"

You can determine the sex of an ant by dropping it in a pail of water.

If it sinks it is a girl ant. If it floats, boy ant.

And I care about this, why?

If something floats it's buoyant. It was a play on words.

Funny! However, once rectal, always rectal!

Tractors were his biggest hobby. He had lots of toy tractors and on weekends he would go and watch the farmers drive their tractors around in the fields. As he grew older, he still liked tractors, but not as much because he started to find other interests. When he turned 20 he met a beautiful girl and fell in love. One night he decided to take her out for dinner to a local restaurant. As they were eating, the whole room started to fill up with smoke. Everyone was panicking so he jumped up and said "calm down, I've got this!". He stood on his chair and sucked in all the smoke in the room, then walked outside and blew it all out. When he returned back into the restaurant, his date said to him "oh my god how did you do that?!" To which he replied: "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

Sorry! I know this is bad, but the devil made me post it!

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack." Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied"Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me." "That, too, is horrible," said the gatekeeper. Then he asked the third man the same question. His reply was... "OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator..."

Klipstein’s Lament: All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

Klipstein’s Observation: Any product cut to length will be too short.

Sueker’s Note: If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.

Rosenfield’s Regret: The most delicate component will be dropped.

de la Lastra’s Law: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

de la Lastra’s Corollary: After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.

Design flaws travel in groups.

You can’t fight the law of conservation of energy but you sure can bargain with it.

Gerrold’s Fundamental Truth: It’s a good thing money can’t buy happiness. We couldn’t stand the commercials.

Gerrold’s Law: A little ignorance can go a long way.

Lyall’s Addendum: ... in the direction of maximum harm.

Gerrold’s Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

The Ultimate Wisdom Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection. Piet Hein

ohhh... yuck...

I apologize in advance for those who are from Detroit and may find this less than humorous...

A student played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running back, but a really poor student. At graduation, he didn't have enough credits but he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed. If Dewayne could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and told Dewayne to come up. The principal had the diploma in his hand and said, Dewayne, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma.

Dewayne said he was ready and the principal asked him the question. Dewayne, he said, How much is three times seven?
Dewayne looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question.

The other students began chanting, Graduate him anyway!Graduate him anyway!

Dewayne held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. he said, I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one.

A hush fell over the auditorium and all the other students began another chant. Give him another chance! Give him another chance!

In more cities than Detroit.

"The new neighbours are so in love," remarks Susan to her husband,
"he hugs her, kisses her and strokes her hair. Why don't you do that?"
"Because I don't know her that well."

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going
to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same
dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"

The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday
when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at
least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have
to do with your dentures?"

"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt....."



This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

A woman goes into labor at a very modern hospital.
The doctor says, we have a new pain transfer device that can let the husband take some of the pain away from the wife, but I have to warn you even 10% is pretty bad on a man.

The husband says, I have a very high pain threshold so let me have it.

The doctor sets the machine at 10% and the husband says, that's not bad give me 25%. He takes that and says go ahead up to 50%. No problem go to 75%, not bad go to 100% The baby is born and the doctor tells the husband that is twice what any other husband has endured, it would kill most men.

The man goes home and finds the mailman, dead on his front porch.

... it gets a laugh every time.

So True!!

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are
there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the
kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese
Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the
kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no
Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange
Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese
Jews."

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2015 Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$128,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.'
MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!'
MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths agape.
The wonderful husband turns and asks: "Anybody knows whose phone this is?"

Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a
question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why yes I do know you since you were a little boy, and frankly you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think your a big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to
do, he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defense attorney?
She replied, "Why yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted,
and he has a drinking problem, He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone, and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not
to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I
know him." The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the
bench and, in a very quiet voice said:
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in
California, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this
past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for
his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and
brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to
see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at
only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled
and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and
the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make
sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you
can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the
old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know', said the old man, 'But let me tell you about
MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

I'll have to try that next weekend...mebbe...

Ron

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the guys. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”He replied, “It feels wonderful, but I think my thumb is still broken.”

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued, "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But no, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!" "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "Nope." says the first IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop." "Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"

Three female cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing. The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bread Siamese." The third cat still said nothing. Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?" She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."

A husband and his wife went to the Doctor to discuss a problem. The Doctor took the husband in first.
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his wife now.
He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said - OK you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.

Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the husband - You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you.
I couldn't get an erection either!!

Got a Bon Jovi sat nav. Apparently we’re half way there.

A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “M’am, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”
The woman replies 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my husband. He's in here somewhere.'
The clerk is astonished. 'Your husband's name is Crisco?'
The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public.'
'I see,' said the clerk. 'What do you call him at home?'
'Lard Ass.'

Good One!!!

but funny.

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!



Discover something new.

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:-

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and
started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he
shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said.
"Here, let me hold your monkey!"

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

"I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, "the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers."I'm an internationally famous golfer now."He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you' real right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states."When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun,"I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock."That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Miss Beatrice, he church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

Pointing to the bowl, he said, 'Miss Beatrice, I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!'

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who sent a declaration out throughout the country announcing that he was searching for a new head Samurai.
A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the
position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. Whoosh – whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in four pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, “That is really very impressive!”
The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. His flashing sword went Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. A gust of wind filled the room, but the fly was still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked, “After all of that, why is the fly not dead?”
The Jewish Samurai smiled and said,
“Circumcision is not intended to kill.”

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief but takes a loan form out of her drawer. "May I please have your name?"

The frog puffs himself up proudly. "Kermit Jagger, my dad is Mick Jagger and I'm a friend of the bank manager."

Pattie's eyes widen, but she continues filling in the application. "Mr. Jagger, you will need to secure the loan with some collateral."

"I have this," the frog says and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Pattie blinks at the elephant several times. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to consult with the manager on this." She takes the elephant and disappears into a back office.

Pattie walks up to the manager. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "What in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her with a straight face. "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."