Factory Joke Thread – September 2014

Distracted Driving Incident

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........
This morning on the Interstate,

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt and as I did, I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel, it knocked my Cell Phone away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs! It Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected a very
important call.

Damn women drivers!

Thanks for the lawyer joke. LOL

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to
say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no
idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist."

Big lines at the apple store...

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Robert , 85, married Jenny,

a lovely 25 year old . .. .......

Since her new husband is so old,

Jenny decides that after their wed-

ding she and Robert should have

separate bedrooms, because she

is concerned that her new but aged

husband may over-exert himself if

they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny

prepares herself for bed and

the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes,

the door opens and there is Robert,

her 85 year old groom, ready

for action. They unite as one... All

goes well, Robert takes leave of

his bride, and she prepares to go

to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears

another knock on her bedroom

door, and it's Robert, Again he is

ready for more 'action'. Somewhat

surprised, Jenny consents for more

coupling. When the newly weds are

done, Robert kisses his bride, bids

her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but,

aha, you guessed it Robert is back

again, rapping on the door and is as

fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for

more 'action'. And, once more they

enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again,

his young bride says to him, 'I am

thoroughly impressed that at your

age you can perform so well and so

often. I have been with guys less

than a third of your age who were

only good once. You are truly a great

lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns

to Jenny and says:

'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old,

Alzheimer's has its advantages.

"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!"

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancée wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him.
When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival. It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancée was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all.

When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding.

"At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge. You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pyjamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms. You will rap on the door. She will answer, 'yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my honour.' She will respond, 'I honour your offer.' That is your permission to enter her room. After that, it's honour and offer all night."

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually think about whether you do, or don't, want that politician spending your tax money!!

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

And....

A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate our Politicians spend in Washington.

1. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

2. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

3. Man with one chopstick go hungry.

4. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

5. Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

6. Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

7. Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

8. Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.

9. Man who pee on electric fence receive shocking news.

10. Man who sleep in bed of nails is holy.

11. Man who sit on tack get point.

12. Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.

13. Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

14. Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

15. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

16. Man who run in front of car, get tired.

17. Man who run behind car, get exhausted.

18. Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

19. Condom should be used on every conceivable occasion.

20. Bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

A Really Bad Day

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.

At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life.

And then you show up and drink the poison

...I wish I had an answer...

Ron

Good One!!!

The local zoo had fallen on hard times and attendance was down. Things got worse when their beloved gorilla George died. Fearing attendance would plummet even further, management hired an actor. He was dressed in a gorilla suit and trained to act like George.

He would swing from branches in his enclosure, eat bananas handed him and generally entertain the unsuspecting crowds. One of the tricks George would do was walk on top of the narrow wall that separated his area from the lion enclosure. The crowd loved it!

One day he got careless and fell in! The terrified actor cowered in a corner as the lion quickly approached! Fearing for his life, the actor began calling for help! As the lion closed in for the kill, he suddenly stopped and said, “Will you shut up George! You’re going to get us both fired!”

SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink.
Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge?
Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.

I'll sleep on it, I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.

Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.

A bartender cured me for $10.00.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.

Is that so?
With a bit of an attitude he said, and how may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!

FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
IT"S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION

Husband's Message
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Teena brought me to Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response
Who is Teena?

Wife’s message
Honey I was in the parking lot of that sleazy hotel. You know the one with hourly rates. Well I was hit broadside. Mike took me to the hospital. They think I may have bleeding on the brain. Most of my internal organs are bruised, my leg is broken, and my pelvis is shattered in four pieces. My face is unrecognizable. I am in Mount Sinai Room C of the ICU. Will you still love me after this disfiguring ordeal?

Husband’s response
How bad did you damage the car? You didn't get blood on the leather seats did you?

he who laughs last, laughs the best

A man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked his wife, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

(HERE IT COMES!!!)

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down... and I know he won't ask for directions."

A recent study shows that a woman who carries a little extra weight will live longer than men who mention it.

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you' were an a**hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

The Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

The Lawyer questions, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

"And what does the "AH" stand for, Officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?" Queries the lawyer.

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for a**hole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

Miguel Rodriquez long suffered from insomnia.
It was a rare night that he slept more than an hour. He had consulted numerous physicians in Mexico and the United States but none had been able to help him. Even the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep.
One day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful senorita named Esta Gonzales.
Now when he wants to sleep he just looks at her picture.
Miguel has known from his childhood that WHEN YOU SEE ESTA, YOU SLEEP.

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

A friend of mine, not being able to decide between reed and stringed instruments, recently purchased an alto saxophone and a couple of fiddles. He lives in a small apartment and doesn't really have a good place to keep them so he built a rack that fits over the television set. His wife, however, won't let him keep them there.
She says that there's already too much sax and violins on TV...

Nice

happy weekend everyone

What did people say when they saw the undertaker selling a glass coffin?

"Remains to be seen."

This was funny made me laugh. It's raining outside.

No, it's not.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
- Mark Twain

If apple made a car, would it have windows?

Happy sunday everyone

Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!

How time flys...for some.

Ron

Good stuff here as always. Thanks for all the jokes.

Good One!!!

Are you sure that's not 8 minutes and 20 seconds?

But it would require special fuel only available from the Apple Station.

You're saying it would only operate on Apple Juice?

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"

So, they walked past it again...

It's time to turn off your computer when...

...you wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your email first.

...you name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom.

...you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

...you decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

...you start using smileys in your snail mail (if you even remember what that is).

...you find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

...you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

...you check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again.

...you don't know what gender your three closest friends are because they have neutral screen-names, and you never bothered to ask.

...you move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

...you start tilting your head sideways to smile.

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten."