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Frequently Asked Questions
I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.I realized that I couldn't find the rake.. I yelled up to my wife,“Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures.
"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!
Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he shared with them.
As will happen, one day he died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing.
His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they ousted him.
This is a truly significant event, because it's the first time a reign was called on account of the game.
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."... "And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
JUST TOO CUTE.
This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?'
'Oh. ! Killing any?'
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message that they received, in response...
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f*** did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart ass when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
Why can't CSI West Virginia solve any crimes?
There's no dental records, and all the DNA is the same.
“When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’
If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’
And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.”
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look buddy, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a Hearse for the last 25 years.
LETTER FROM A SMALL TOWN FARM KID; NOW AT SAN DIEGO, CA, MARINE CORPS RECRUIT
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing! Men got to shave, but it's not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, grits, pie and other regular breakfast food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'4" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
8 inch (or 200 mm) drives disappeared in the mid to late 80's. 3.5 inch (89 mm) drives were pretty much gone by 2000. This puts these words of wisdom in pretty much the same boat as those that complained about the coffee cup holder that kept retracting into the front of the computer and spilling the coffee.
And I still have BOTH... along with the associated O.S.'s, drives, etc., etc. to go along with them.
Clean and funny
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The
last question was,
'Name seven advantages of mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points
or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally in desperation, just before the bell
rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
A conversation between two friends.
Tom: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Fred: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Tom: What’s a GPS override?
Fred: My wife.
Ha, my girlfriend loved this one. LOL
Great list,very funny!
An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to thank them:
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine and I told her to screw off. Thank you for that opportunity.
In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation?
How did you know you were God?
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Allison
On Halloween I am going to wear a Devil's costume, is that all right with you?
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Is it true my father won't get into Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Do animals get to use you too or is there someone else for them?
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church ... is that OK?
I like the Lord's Prayer the best of all. Did you have to write it a lot or did you get it right the first time? I have to write everything I ever write over again.
God, it's OK that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?
Did they really talk that fancy in Bible times?
I would like to know why all the things you said are in red?
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours or do you just know him through the business?
Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother.
My grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back DO you go?
I know all about where babies come from. I think. From inside mommies and daddies put them there. Where are they before that? Do you have them in Heaven? How do they get down here? Do you have to take care of them all first? Please answer all my questions...I always think of you. Yours Truly, Susan
Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was suppose to be our day of rest.
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had 3 stitches and a shot.
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Thank You. Love, Denise
Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year.
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
I keep waiting for Spring but it never comes yet. Please don't forget.
I think the stapler is on of your greatest inventions.
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Of all the people who work for you, I like Peter and John the best.
My brother told me about being born but it sure doesn't sound right.
If you watch in church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes.
I like the story about Chanuka the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones!!
I would like to live for 900 years like the guy in the bible.
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So, I bet he stole your idea.
If you would of let the dinasour not exstinct we would not have a country...I think you did the right thing.
It is great the way you always get the stars in the Right places.
On Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.
On Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over. And two claimed that he was still there!
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last! spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."
1970s: Long Hair
2000s: Longing for hair
1970s: The perfect high
2000s: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970s: Acid Rock
2000s: Acid Reflux
1970s: Moving to California because it's cool
2000s: Moving to California because it's warm
1970s: Growing pot
2000s: Growing pot belly
1970s: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2000s: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children
1970s: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2000s: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
1970s: Seeds and stems
1970s: Our president's struggle with Fidel
2000s: Our (former) president's struggle with fidelity
1970s: Killer weed
2000s: Weed killer
1970s: Hoping for a BMW
2000s: Hoping for a BM
1970s: The Grateful Dead
2000s: Dr. Kevorkian
1970s: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000s: Getting a new hip joint
1970s: Rolling Stones
2000s: Kidney stones
1970s: Being called into the principal's office
2000s: Calling the principal's office
1970s: Screw the system!
2000s: Upgrade the system
1970s: Peace sign
2000s: Mercedes logo
1970s: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000s: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970s: Passing the driver's test
2000s: Passing the vision test
One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that was going on inside himself.
He said, "My boy, the fight is between two wolves."
That certainly got the boy's attention.
"One is evil," the old man continued. "Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego."
"What of the other, grandfather?" the boy asked.
"The other is good," he said. "Joy, Peace, Love, Hope, Serenity, Humility, Kindness, Benevolence, Empathy, Generosity, Truth, Compassion and Faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Do we all have such wolves fighting inside us, grandfather?"
"Yes," the wise old man said.
"Then, which wolf wins the fight?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle bunny wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, and he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white bunny wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack bunny wabbit? Or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown bunny over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't know. I don't think my boa conthricter givths a thit."
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and, therefore, unsafe.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF would just be another expensive flying club.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
The three most common expressions (aka famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?", and "Uh oh."
One day in contract law class, Professor Jetson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "I'd say 'Hey: want an orange?'"
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" he instructed."Oh," the student said.
"In that case, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you, all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat the same, or give the same away with or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding."
"You're making good progress," the professor said.
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe Santa Claus is a woman.
Think about it: Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy (and a "straight' guy at that!) could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, here would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa did still have reindeer, he'd also have the transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail. (But then, I've never had a reply from Santa....)
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
The vendor has heard this one before, and without a word he simply makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Excuse me, but where's my change?" asks the Buddhist monk.
The vendor replies, "Change must come from within."
The local news station was interviewing an
80-year-old lady because she had just gotten
married for the fourth time. The interviewer
asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80,
and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling
him a little about her first three husbands and
what they did for a living. She paused for a few
moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her
face and she answered proudly, explaining that
she had first married a banker when she was in
her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her
40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now
- in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished,
and asked why she had married four men with
such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained, "I married one for
the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four to go."
"Direction" related funnies on this forum certainly seem fitting!
I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered in unison.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was a unanimous "NO!"
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
This time, there was no shout in unison. Finally, the silence was broken when a little boy shouted out, "You've got to be dead!"
A man is at home alone watching the football game when his wife gets home. She is looking especially nice, and there's a look about her that catches his eye. Besides: half-time had just started, so he muted the TV and gave her his full attention.
"Darling," she says, have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"
Not sure if there's some sort of joke -- or maybe some seduction -- starting, the man plays along. "Well, no," he says.
She gives him a sexy seductive little smile, unbuttons the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reaches down into the cleavage created by a sexy, lacy, silky push-up bra, and pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar note.
He takes the crumpled bill and looks up to see what's next.
"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asks.
"No, I can't say that I have," he replies, playing along and warming to this little game.
She gives him another sexy, secretive, knowing little smile, slowly pulls up her tight little skirt higher and higher, and seductively reaches into her tight, sheer panties, and pulls out a crumpled fifty dollar note.
He takes the crumpled bill and is really looking forward to the next step is this fun little game.
"Now darling," she says, "have you ever seen 50 thousand dollars all crumpled up?"
"I sure haven't!" he says, turning off the TV.
"Well," she says, "have a look in the garage...."
Happy Friday everyone
the jokes on this thread, they aren't all winners, but most of them are!!! Keep them coming
Behind the wrapping is human nature.
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt head
26. Military intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Child Proof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
...And the number 1 oxymoron is..
1. Microsoft Works
Some of these were pretty funny!
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'
A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18
hours to live. "That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your
last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."
"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my
favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !"
"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all,
I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't"
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around and around Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.... There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.
When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today, while the rest of us are sending jokes via e-mail.
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