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Frequently Asked Questions
Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady
replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine."
The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh . did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride
on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In god we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At
least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign
An old fellow fell in love with a lady.
He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied,
"OK." He said, "Will you marry me?"
She replied, "Yes," then asked what his second question was. He replied, "Will you help me up?"
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them.
That's the only New Years Resolution I seem to make AND keep.
"My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away."
When the cop said he was going to give the guy a ticket for rolling stop, the guy says, "What would you do if I called you a dirty rotten SOB?
The cop replied,"I would write on the ticket that you used abusive language and were uncooperative."
The guy says, "What if I just thought it?"
The cop says "I can't document what you think."
Guy says, "OK. I think you are a dirty rotten SOB."
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
That is how it all began.
And that's the truth
Like that one!
but effective !
Keep them coming.
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Aaron, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day.
Sid asks Aaron, 'Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?'
Aaron replies, - 'I don't know, let's ask our waiter.'
When the waiter arrives, Aaron asks, - 'Are there any Mexican Jews?'
The waiter says, - 'I don't know señor, I ask the cooks.'
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,
-'No señor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.'
Aaron isn't satisfied and asks, -'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos' replies,
'I check once again, señor!' and goes back into the kitchen.
-'Señor, the head cook, Juan say, there is no Mexican Jews.'
- 'Are you certain?' Aaron asks again.'I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!'
- 'Señor, I ask everyone,' replies the waiter,'All we have is Orange Jews,
Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.'
on the first hole when a second golfer approached and
asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched,
how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting,
but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,
"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them!!
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice...
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
"New Maps About to Come Out!"
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
A Priest was saying a special Children's Mass to his congregation.
During his sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was. Now, for those of you who may not know, asking questions during Children's Mass is okay. However, asking children questions in front of a congregation can be risky.
Sure enough, a little boy raised his hand. The Priest called on him and the little boy said, "All I know is that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
Mass was delayed for 10 minutes as raucous and uncontrolled laughter overtook the congregation.
Is the one about new maps about to come out.
A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a word:
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kansas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas. You got an Arkansas license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the Antartic ice?
Where do they go?
It is a know fact the penguin is a very ritualistic bird that lives a complex and extremely ordered life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a compassionate form of contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice, other members of the family and the social circle have been know to dig holes in the ice using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead penguin to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
I forget where I just saw this but thought it was funny...
What do you call a brain surgeon who had to operate on a politician?
A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit.
The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland. They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away.
The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained.
Well, the dinner party comes and goes and works out just fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's
walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just standing there.
Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder.
There on the bed lies a condom.
The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't you?"
Molly: "Shurin we do madam, but we don't skin em."
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, " said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3,4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks steps into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie .
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ..... I'm homesick.
Three sisters, aged 81, 83 and 85, live together. One night the 85 year old draws a bath for herself. As she sticks her foot in, she pauses. She yells to her sisters downstairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 83 year old shouts back loudly, "I don't know. Let me come up there and see." She begins walking up the stairs, but then pauses . She yells to her sisters "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 81 year old is sitting in the living room, enjoying some tea. She listens to her sisters, shakes her head and mutters to herself, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful. Knock on wood." She then turns and shouts, "I'll come up there and help both of you as soon as I see who's knocking at the door."
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the girl sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart, it's Erica , I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not with that bloke from the accounts office, it was with the boss."
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. "
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the young man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Erica, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Erica doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
We wanted to see a load out facility for grain trains.
As we approached the city limits to Lowder IL, I asked Barbara, "What's the name of this town?" She looked at the city limit sign and said, "Lowder"
I replied, "WHATS THE NAME OF THIS TOWN?"
She called me a name that rhymes with mutthead.
The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
And heading towards 70 or beyond!
Kidnappers are not very Interested in you.
In a hostage situation,You are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run -- Anywhere.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,'Did I wake you?'
People no longer view you as a Hypochondriac.
There is nothing left To learn the hard way.
Things you buy now Won't wear out.
You can eat Supper at 4 PM.
You can live without sex But not your glasses.
You get into heated arguments About pension plans.
You no longer think of speed limits As a challenge.
You quit trying to hold Your stomach in no matter who walks Into the room.
You sing along With elevator music.
Your eyes won't get Much worse.
Your investment in health insurance Is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
Than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
Because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
A manageable size.
You can't remember Who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all In big print
For your convenience.
I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially on how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five".
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brakes
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
A young doctor had moved out to a small backwoods community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor
suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.' The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been
overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?' As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even
examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?' 'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope
on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen
banana peels and half eaten apples in the trash. That was probably what was making her sick.' 'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think
I'll try that at the next house.'
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the
energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.' 'You've probably been doing too much work for the
Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.' As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman
well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?' 'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my
stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my new iPad”
That spider never knew what fricking hit it.
That spider never knew what fricking hit it.
I hate some technology.
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.
"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right,
then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
My friend was rushed to the Redmond Medical Center on life support. The doctor unplugged him, then plugged him in again, just to see if that worked.
The young male was out with his girlfriend and parked his car on Love's Lane.
He sat there for a few minutes without saying anything. His girlfriend asked, "What are you thinking about?"
"The hereafter," he replied.
"The hereafter," she asked.
"Yes," he replied. "If you're not here after what I'm her after you'll be here after I'm gone."
Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," Nancy sobbed. "And I've just buried him."
The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly: "That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: "That's because he's inside your cat."
When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam.
The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.
My g/f broke up with me this morning. I know she will come crawling back to me though.
I stole her wheel chair.
The FBI says
Once Jimmy Hoffa is found, we can move on to finding Jimmy Buffett’s lost shaker of salt.
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