Factory Joke Thread – May 2013

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

Done my part!!!

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
--Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
--James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
--Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P. J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
--Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians
--Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop

FIVE BEST SENTENCES

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for,
that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

I was out one night with my camera when a ghost appeared in front of me. I asked him if he’d mind me taking a couple of pictures of him to show my friends and he said no problem, then struck a suitably dramatic pose. Unfortunately I didn’t get the shot due to equipment trouble. The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.

"You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said.

"Try playing a game of fetch with him."

"I can’t play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor
asked.

"Because," she replied, "He can’t throw."

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over
lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road.
Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud
"THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver spotted a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him.

But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back onto the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain that he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD."

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and, when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

There's no such thing as a stupid question.....
Have never worked in customer service.

A lady went into a bar in Waco, Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it was true - what they say about men with big feet being well endowed?

The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?” The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya, Ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”

"Don't be flattered,” she replied. “Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

Since it's now been established that many of us are approaching, or past, 60, I thought these may be appreciated.

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior citizens ?
A: Nudity

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

So I'm sharing...

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.

I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise.

After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." says Seamus.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.

They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the bucket.

Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden.

"Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"

who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

Game, set and match! That was great!!!

ML

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Ron has just retired and was having a discussion with his wife, Donna, about the future. “What would you do if I died before you?” Ron asked.

Donna thought about it for a while and replied, “Oh, I’d probably share a house with several other single or widowed women. Since I’m still in good health, I think that the other women could be a little younger than me.”

Then Donna asked Ron, “What would you do if I died first?”

Ron replied, “Probably the same thing.”

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

I have noticed that on Cinco de Mayo day, not many people pretend to be Mexican.

At least in Texas and Arizona

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........

What the heck is she talking about?!!

If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.

If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't
get enough sleep.

If you spend more on your home computer than your car.

If you know what http:// stands for.

If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.

Good One!!!

The Blonde and her dog!
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,

'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this).............................................

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

Thanks.

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go

through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and

grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because

I'm only going to say this
once.............................................

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray,
cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis

work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the
second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this.

He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped!

This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide, "The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said: "Bass Solo"

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most
frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind
me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled.
The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"

Invisible Mother.....

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock? Where's my phone?, What's for dinner?'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.

No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.
The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

Great job, Mom!

I was working behind the bar one night, and three of my best customers were larger ladies, with a really cute accent.
Being a nice barman, I went to talk.
"Hello, I like your accent, are you ladies from Scotland"
They were upset, "Its Wales you idiot"
So I replied,
"Sorry, are you whales from Scotland"

Thats when the fight started

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn ' t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to church doesn ' t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it ' s still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we ' d both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with ' Good evening ' , and then proceed to tell you why it isn ' t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don ' t need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn ' t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won ' t expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they ' re at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can ' t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I ' m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There ' s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can ' t get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I ' m not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You ' re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn ' t what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl. "Really?" said the doctor. "You're healthy
enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?" The old man says, "OK,
doc. I'll think about it." Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out. "Great
doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant." The doctor nods knowlingly and says,
"So you took my advice and took in a boarder?" The old man winked and said, "Yep. And she's pregnant too!"

HAAA!!!!!!!!!

Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss:
Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?

Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss:
Yes.

Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..

Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee:
Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss:
Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee:
Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company.

Alabama beat Arkansas,
and Arkansas fired their coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee,
and Tennessee fired their coach.
Alabama beat Auburn,
and Auburn fired their coach.
Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.......
Damn, I wish the White House had a team!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

Fran San and San Fran grew up together as young boys who lived next door to each other. They became best friends and attended their senior prom together with their girlfriends. They went to college together and had a double wedding with both marrying their high school sweetheart, They bought houses next to each other and did everything together. One day, San Fran died unexpectedly and Fran San was inconsolable. Unexpectedly, Fran San died the next day. He was greeted by St. Peter and looked for his friend, whom he couldn't find. He asked St. Peter where San Fran was and St. Peter said he went to the other place. Fran San couldn't believe it. "I never even got to say goodbye," he said to St. Peter. "Could you at least part the clouds so I could have a last look at him." St. Peter said the request was unusual but he would grant it. Fran San looked down and there was San Fran surrounded by women, the disco ball was bouncing the colored lights around the ceiling and the wine was flowing.
"Could I please visit him?" St. Peter was asked. St. Peter said that was highly unusual but since they were best friends Fran San could visit his friend for 24 hours. So he did and th had a great time together. At the end of 24 hours Fran San returned to Heave where St. Peter was obviously upset. "Look at you," St. Peter cried. "Your halo is askew, your robe is dirty and wrinkle. And your harp? Where is your harp." "Oh, my gosh" said Fran San, "I left my harp in San Fran's disco."

Good One!!!

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death

I was just thinking ( a dangerous thing for me) that the cycle of life is all backwards. First you live (which takes up a lot of your time), and then you die. What's up with that? I think we should start out by being dead. Then after the funeral you get to live in a nursing home until you're too young and healthy and they throw you out. Then you go into retirement, do a little fishing or stamp collecting or something and then start your working life. After that starts high school and hanging out with the gang. Elementary school leads you into those magical years of playing with your toys and having no responsibilities. Next comes several months in a warm and comfortable enviormentally controlled space and then...BANG...you go out with an orgasm! Of course, that's just me thinking again.

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to
explain atmospheric absorption theory.

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Good One!

Ron

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree
that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The
Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian
woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.
After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker
was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion -
your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

-- You had a relative's funeral shortly after he was heard to say "Hey! Bubba, Watch this!"

....Your anniversary dinner included pickled pigs feet.

....Your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.

....You have a relative living in your garage.

....You've ever used hairspray to kill flying bugs.

....You've ever proposed over a pay phone.

....The most valuable part of your car is the gas in the tank.

....You hold the hood of your car open with your head while you work on it.

....You whistle at women in your church.

..... The police have had to talk to you about your bonfires.

....You and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.

.... You think the best color for a truck in primer grey.

.... Farm animals have lived in your house.

....you hit an animal while driving, look to see if anybody is watching, then take it home for dinner

....Your primary source of income is a pool cue.

....You inherited a toilet plunger.

....Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

....There's a belch on your answering machine greeting.

....You mowed your lawn and found a car.

....Your porch collapsed and killed more than 3 dogs.

....You go to family reunions to meet women.

....You wrap up your older children's outgrown underwear to give your younger child for his birthday.

....People drive by your house to look at the Christmas lights in April.

....Your wedding pictures have a propane tank in the background.

....You test your car battery with your toungue.

....3 generations of your family are working at McDonalds

.... Your livingroom has doubled for a garage

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..."placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is
fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

Good One!!!

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu, you need a tweetment.
If you have swine flu, you need some oink-ment.

One dark rainy night on a back road to nowhere Sam's car broke down.
There was no way to get help that night but when lightning flashed he saw an abandoned house on a hilltop.
He hiked to the house and entered through the broken front door.
He was in a great hall where he found a casket on a marble slab. As he approached, the casket started to rise.
It up righted itself and hovered a foot above the floor-then slowly started toward Sam.
Sam frantically ran into what had been the dining room.
The casket still followed him and was getting closer.
Sam ran into the kitchen but still the casket kept getting closer.
He opened a door and ran down some stairs, finding himself in the cellar with no way out.
He saw the casket descent the stairs and head toward him.
His back to a wall-he was trapped. The casket was only 10 feet away. It got closers-8 feet-5 feet.
Sam reached into his pocket and took out a white box. The casket was 3 feet away.
He took a black pill out of the box and put it in his mouth.
The casket was motionless.
The moral?
Stop that coughing with Smith Bros. black cough drops.

Funny