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Factory Joke Thread - April 2012

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Have fun....
~Angela

See also

--
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." -- Somerset Maugham
<<Page 2

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Gary A wrote:

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband snorts: "'So does a case of 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's only half the price."

On the PA system: "'Cleanup on aisle 25. We have a husband down."

mrgreen

--
Nüvi 255W born on 602117815/nüMaps Lifetime North America

A lot of hot air

In response to:
"Apparently, I’m supposed to be more outraged by what Mitt Romney does with his money than by what Barack Obama does with mine."
A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."
"You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.
"You must be a Democrat."
"I am. How did you know?"
"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve been no help."
"You must be a Republican."
"Yes. How did you know?"
"You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn’t keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault."

What Kind Of Deoderant?

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

'But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I was in a pub last Saturday....

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few. I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"
One of them chirped, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you twowhales from Ireland ?"
That's the last thing I remember...

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

A.a.a.d.d

I went to the Doctor yesterday and have been diagnosed with
A.A.A.D.D.- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This
is how it manifests:

I need to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I
notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go
through the mail before washing the car. I put my car keys
down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash under the
table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table to take out
the trash first. But then I say to myself, since I'm going
to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I
might as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is
only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the
study, so I go to my desk where I find a bottle of coke
that I had been drinking.

I'm about to look for my cheques, but first I need to push
the coke aside so that I wouldn't accidentally knock it
over. I notice that the coke is getting warm, so I decide
that I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. I
head towards the kitchen with the coke. A vase of flowers on
the counter catches my eye - they needed to be watered.

As I put the coke down on the counter, I notice my reading
glasses which I decide I had better take them back to my
desk, but first I must water the flowers. I put the glasses
back down on the counter, fill a container with water when
suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone had left it on the
kitchen table. I realise that tonight, when we go to watch
TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will
remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to take
it back to the TV room where it belongs, but first I must
water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on
the floor. So, I put the remote back down on the table, to
get some towels to wipe up the Then I head down the hall
trying to remember why I'm going that way and what I was
planning to do.

Now, it's the end of the day; the car isn't washed, the
bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of coke sitting on
the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still
only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did
with the car keys.

I try to figure out why nothing got done today. I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long and now I'm
really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll
try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

(So now you know why some people buy viagra, but don't use
it.)

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An elderly lady...

walking on the golf course of Martha's Vineyard slipped and fell.

Obama, by chance, was behind her and helped her up promptly.

When she thanked him, he answered, "It was a pleasure to help you.

Don't you recognize me? I'm your president and running for re-election in November.
I suppose I can count on your vote?"

The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''Young man, I fell on my ass, not on my head!"

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

Ineptocracy:

(in-ep-toc'-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of an ever diminishing number of producers.

Ineptocracy

Ineptocracy:producer.
My version of this is where some opportunist takes a product developed by taxpayer dollars( Transistors, Memory chips, computer mouse pointers, microprocessors, etc) and sells it back to the consumer and the government does not charge the producer for the innovation. In fact the producer demands that the 7th fleet (paid for by tax dollars) protect the trade route so that their profits are not interrupted.
I suggest we get back to jokes and not political references.

windows

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "pour some luke warm water over it"

Wife texts back: "computer completely f****d now."

--
Garmin 38 - Magellan Gold - Garmin Yellow eTrex - Nuvi 260 - Nuvi 2460LMT - Google Nexus 7

Bear story

A polar bear goes into a pub and says, "Can I have a gin and .
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tonic, please?"

The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"

The polar bear replies, "Don't know, I've always had them."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

More of A Question Than A Joke

Why do all toasters have at least two settings the completely char ands nuke a slice of toast - who uses these settings ???

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Windows

I love it. Very funny

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Senior Bumper Sticker

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

--
Nuvi 2555LMT,Nuvi 1490LMT, Nuvi 265WT, Nuvi 260, GPSMap76S. Captain Cook was a Yorkshireman too.

Siamese Twins

Siamese twins walk into a bar and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John,
he's Jim. Two Budweiser's, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring
the beers. "Been on holiday yet this year guys?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and
drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Bud's, that's us, eh Jim?
And we can’t stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

--
I am actually uglier than the GIF! <grin>

Dear Lord

This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from on high, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heights the voice bellowed,
THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more, only louder
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

youts

bpaine wrote:

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

If you are not a senior and you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday you are doing something wrong.

--
Jeff - Garmin 765T(2), 2300LM, GPSMap 76CSx The difference between genius and stupidity--Genius does not hurt.

Who's talking ?

drtrask wrote:

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from on high, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heights the voice bellowed,
THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more, only louder
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde lifts her head and says "Who's talking ?"

The voice bellows "The director of the Ice Ring !"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Nothing like a Ford Truck.>

> New Truck built by a company we didn't bailout.> > > > I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck> > Go figure it runs on either hydrogen,gasoline, or E85.>
I returned to the dealer yesterday> Because I couldn't get the radio to work.> >
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated. > > > 'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.>
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' > > > 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' > > Came from the speakers. > > >
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in aninstant > > 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.> >
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, > > Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' > > I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, > > 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs. > > > Yesterday, some guy ran a red light > > And nearly creamed my new truck, > > But I swerved in time to avoid him. > > > I yelled, 'Ass Hole!' > > Immediately the radio responded with, > > > Ladies and gentlemen, > > The President of The > > United States > >
> Damn I love this truck....

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

I never knew this about Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is
deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

Did you really believe that I know anything about penguins?
It's so easy to fool OLD people..
I am sorry, the devil made me do it!!!
I fell for it too.

--
Nuvi 765T.

2001?

johnm405 wrote:

> New Truck built by a company we didn't bailout.> > > > I yelled, 'Ass Hole!' > > Immediately the radio responded with, > > > Ladies and gentlemen, > > The President of The > > United States > >
> Damn I love this truck....

You must have bought a 2001.

--
Zumo 550 & Zumo 665 My alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.

No Never Live it Down

dave817 wrote:
johnm405 wrote:

> New Truck built by a company we didn't bailout.> > > > I yelled, 'Ass Hole!' > > Immediately the radio responded with, > > > Ladies and gentlemen, > > The President of The > > United States > >
> Damn I love this truck....

You must have bought a 2001.

No if I boutht a Ford I would never live it down with my oldest son. He thinks every one should have a ford. I drive a jeep and GMC, Workhorse Bounder. smile laugh out loud

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center...

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

My girlfriend told me to

My girlfriend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo........... I had to put my foot down.

Two priests died at the same time

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in
now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to
Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.
What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted
to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells
St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any
trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's
somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the
second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

"WHERE IS MY SUNDAY PAPER?"

"WHERE IS MY SUNDAY PAPER?"

The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone,
followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter ...

"Well, $hit, that explains why no one was at church either.

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors,and to all of you who will become seniors.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Laugh

smile Laugh a little each day
It’s better than chicken soup
At least that’s what the chickens say

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With
the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and
read the letter:

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But, I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,

Your Son, John
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE...

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

Why parents drink ...

grin

--
Nuvi 2460

I hate those Russian

I hate those Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

OMFG ! You got my vote for a medal there !

jpac wrote:

I hate those Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

This reminds me of a message I once received from Miss POI, who accused me of making her spilling coffee through her nose. Ah, at least I'm safe, it wasn't coffee today ...

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Good One!!!!

Good One!!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

A doctors lecture

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Air Sick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes

later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in
the
seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor,
crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window,
and
immediately falls asleep.

After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air
sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the

bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over
him,
and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying
to
decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of
nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any
longer
and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the

vomit all over him.

"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A helicopter carrying

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!".

"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"

Computer Advertising Terms Defined

Computer Advertising Terms Defined

NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with
distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

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