POI Factory Joke Thread - October 2011

Two Hydrogen atoms meet up on the street. How are you asks the first. "I've lost an electron" says number two. "Are you sure?" queries the first. The second replies, "Yes, I'm positive".

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I Got Your Mama

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought
this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.. I want a red one.
Your friend, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
______________________________
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
_______________________________
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.
She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the
church, down the street, into her house and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
________________________________
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,
SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

Good One!!

Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one.

"Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole."

"I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."

"The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out."

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:.....................................................Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.Very truly yours,Acme Costume Co.................................................The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:.....................................................Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.Very truly yours,Acme Costume Co.....................................................Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:.........................................................Dear Sir,We have TRIED our very BEST.Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.Very truly yours,Acme Costume Co.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on thebar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ' The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ' The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the endof the bar.' The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings'The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. Hecomes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears inbars in Billings who are on drugs.' The bear looks at him quizzically and says, 'I'm not on drugs.' The bartender says,'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate!!!

ha.....I was wondering where this was going!

As we SilverSurfers know, sometimes we have trouble with ourcomputers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control andasked him to come over.Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved theproblem.As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So,what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonethelessenquired, 'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case Ineed to fix it again.' Eric grinned ....'Haven't you ever heard of anID ten T error before ? 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'llfigure it out.' So I wrote down: ID10T I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

Dang kids

I don't use the Eye D Ten Tee error at work as it's a bit on the extra rude side. However, I have used a few others:

PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair

PICNIC: Problem In Chair Not In Computer

I also used one that stumped one of my coworkers who definitely should have been able to figure it out. I said he had a Layer 8 Network Problem. (There are only 7 layers to the OSI network model and I was simply referring to user error.) He's supposed to know what the heck he's doing but it was quickly obvious that he had no clue what I was talking about.

classic...

That's a good one. Consider it stolen.

I like that one also.
the other ones were good to.

LOL

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

A man and a woman were sitting next to each other in an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. This went on over and over. Finally the man said...
" Are you ok?"
"I am sorry I have a medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man asked, "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded....... "Pepper."

....If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

....What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

....They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

....Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat & Drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Ben & Jerry's has come out with Viagra-flavored ice cream. It's called Hubby Chubby.

My local supermarket doesn't stock Hubby Chubby.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh _ t!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut a good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-B _ TCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b _ tch!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative/educational. Make it a Great Day!

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree..

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Excellent!

Good One!!

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

"I need an answer," said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

And Meredith replied, "That answer is.... absolutely correct! Congratulations! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, " said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!"

His and Hers Road Trips

HERS
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window.
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra five miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window.
5. Hocks a loogie.
6. Pulls up to a 7-Eleven.
7. Gets three hot dogs, a large Slurpee and beef jerky.
8. Asks foreigner behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts.
11. After he closes the door.
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-Eleven.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because the pimply 17-year-old 7-Eleven cashier said it was.
14. Almost hits a deer.
15. Curses the night.
16. Curses you.
17. Curses the large Slurpee.
18. Stops by the side of the road.
19 Takes a leak.
20. Still taking a leak.
21. Almost done.
22. I think.
23. Returns to car.
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. Finally found a dictionary.
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. Seethes at the memory of it all.
34. But she is laughing inside.
35. And of course you're still lost.

His goal is to visit all the tribes and get the chief to let him put Pepsi machines in all the villiages. He's going to make millions in sales.
He wandered into one villiage not knowing they were cannibals. They tied him up, roasted him on an open fire and were going to have him for lunch. They passed out ice cold Pepsi for everyone to have with their meal.
They laid him out on a table, the chief stood over him and said, "everybody on this side start'em at head and eat'em down to "thing" .Everyone on this other side start'em at feet and eat'em up to " thing."
Someone ask, "why we no eat'em" thing?" The chief replied," things go better with Coke

In church on Sunday,
I overheard this little old lady
in the pew next to me
saying a short private prayer.
It was so sweet and sincere
that I just had to share it with you:

Dear Lord,
These past couple of years
have been tough....
You have taken my
favorite Actor Patrick Swayze,
my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor,
my favorite Cowboy James Arness,
my favorite athlete Bob Feller,
my favorite singer Lena Horne and
my favorite salesman Billy Mays.

I just wanted you to know that my
favorite president is Barack Obama.

Amen.

Some of these are really good