Factory Joke Thread – June 2025

What is a prize old people can win for aging?

Atrophy

What’s the key to a structured retirement?
A rigid nap schedule.

My GPS asked me how much I loved it. I replied, “Well, I’d be lost without you.”

My Dad kept using this GPS in his car that kept directing him to cliff edges. I think that’s what led him to his downfall.

I tagged Waldo with a GPS device. Problem solved.

I’m not saying my wife is a bad driver, but the new GPS I got her just went off and said “After 400 feet, stop and let me out!”

My friend was born with a GPS locator embedded in his chest. He can be difficult, but you know exactly where you stand with him.

A bloke in the pub sold me a pirate GPS. It tells you exactly where you arr.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Because it felt a little crummy.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

An older gentleman was on the operating table
 awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best,
and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother
is going to come and
 live with you and your wife...."

When did the cow jump over the moon?

Everyone knows it was Moooonday night.

Not Bad

Hit a rocky road.

Matia the Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The turt reason is that I eez better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth,

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora..."The pool man did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"