Factory Joke Thread – May 2025

Be kind to your kids. They choose your nursing home.

Why do retirees smile so much?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying.

Husbands are like lawn mowers: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.

Love is like one long, sweet dream. Marriage is the alarm clock.

Apparently saying, “Oh, this old thing?” isn’t an appropriate way to introduce my wife.

A mother was putting her daughter to bed and encouraged her to say her prayers. The child replied,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and lord, please send clothes to all those girls on daddies computer"

.Today is National Grumpy Old Man day!!

I expect full recognition,

this day existed. Now I know. Thanks.

I thought it was on March 4th...

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

I always schedule my dental appointments for the same time.

Tooth-hurty!

Thumbs up dwarf nuns
The Seven Dwarves go to the Vatican and are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘ What can I do for you?’
Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question thinks for a moment and answers,
‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome’
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back. ‘Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?’
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe'
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says ‘Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?’
The Pope, really confused by the questions says,
‘I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’

but...I thought that was my Birthday...

Good one

My son is having issues chewing electrical cords, I had to ground him. He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

“One heavenly spring morning, God got into a

conversation with St. Francis about lawns. The

conversation went something like this…….

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and

nature. What in the world is going on down there in

the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets,

thistle, and the other stuff I started eons ago? I had

a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. I created

plants that grow in any type of soil, withstand

drought, and multiply like crazy. The nectar from the

long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees

and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see down there

a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are

these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord.

The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers

weeds, and went to great lengths to kill them and

replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It

doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only

grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with

temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all

that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great

pains to grow it, and keep it green. They begin each

spring by fertilizing their grass, and poisoning any

other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make

grass grow really fast. That must make the

Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Lord, I’m afraid not. As soon as the

grass grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a

week.

GOD: They cut it?! Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Well, not exactly Lord. Most

“Suburbanites” rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell

it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir — just the opposite. They pay to

throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize

grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut

it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer

when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.

That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of

work.

ST. FRANCIS: Lord, you’re not going to believe this.

When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out

hoses, and pay more money to water it so they can

continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the

trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say

so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to

provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn

they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to

keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and

bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to

enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You’d better sit down, Lord. The

Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the

leaves fall, they rake them into huge piles, and pay

to have them hauled away, too.

GOD: No way!! What do they do to protect the shrub and

tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist

and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go

out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul

it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to

make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore.

St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What

movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It’s a real

stupid movie about……..

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story

from St. Francis.

….Author Unknown ”

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing an even skimpier bikini, cames walking toward them. She nodded at each of them, giving them a them a quick fkash and says "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" ?

She replied, "Oh, come on Fathers, it's me, Sister Margaret."

It has a lot of problems.

A woman says to her blonde friend, "I have a riddle for you. How many pancakes could you eat on an empty stomach?"

The blonde ponders for a moment. "I'd say maybe four."

"No, you could only eat one, because after that your stomach would no longer be empty!"

"Ha, clever!" says the blonde.

That evening she's chatting with her husband. "Hey, I heard a good riddle today. How many pancakes could you eat on an empty stomach?"

"Hmm, I could probably eat five."

"Oh rats!" says the blonde. "If you'd said four, I had a really funny answer!"

A man and his wife went to a livestock auction and looked at a farmer's selection of breeding bulls

The first pen had a sign that read: This bull mated 50 times last year.

The man's wife playfully nudged him and said, "Wow, that's almost once per week!"

They walked to the second pen, which had a sign that read: This bull mated 150 times last year.

The man's wife jabbed him a bit harder and said with a smirk, "Goodness, that's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen, which had a sign that read: This bull mated 365 times last year.

The man's wife aggressively elbowed him in the ribs and exclaimed, "That's once a day! You could really learn something from this one."

Annoyed, the man turned to his wife and said, "Go over and ask the farmer if every time was with the same old cow."

I'm 81 and get grumpier every year. Surely , there's room for me.

A middle aged woman walked into her gynecologist office looking a bit embarrassed.

"Come on, now", the doctor said with a reassuring smile, you've been comming here for years, you can tell me anything."

"Well, this one's a bit odd", she admitted

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"All right" she sighed. "Yesterday morning I went to the toilet and heard a Plink, Plink, Plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see," the doctor said calmly.

"Yesterday afternoon, I went again and again heard a Plink, Plink, Plink. This time there were five Pence peices."

"And last night, Plink, Plink, Plink, 50 Pence."

"This morning it was pounding coins," she exclaimed.

"Doctor, what's happening to me, I'm terrified."

The gynecologist gently patted her shoulder. "There, there," he said with a smile. "Nothing to worry about. Your simply going through the change."

hello

Why is it you never hear of anyone being sheveld?

But I lost interest.

Book Title:
How to Survive Falling Down a Staircase.

A step by step guide.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia.
He said, "Go ahead. Knock yourself out."

I just saw some red breasted birds selling ice cream. I think they were Baskin Robins

Good

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

She kept running away from the ball.

I lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen.

"Stay for a while. She won't know anything... By the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.
But, have you heard the plight of the bloke who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex? It goes like this:
"One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up next Tuesday."
"But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said 'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer."
"When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."
"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.
She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.'
I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.'
The clerk said, 'Me, too.' "
"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “ Me. too."
"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him.
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn't a man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."