Factory Joke Thread – December 2024

17. Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is your husband.

18. I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right. I just didn’t know her first name was going to be “Always.”

19. An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “do I come here often?”

20. My doctor told me I need to sweat daily, so I told him I’d start disobeying my wife.

21. My husband cooks for me like I’m a goddess—by placing burnt offerings before me.

22. Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?
In the bookstore, under “Fiction.”

23. Bickering with your spouse is like trying to read the Terms of Use for a new service. In the end, you just give up and click “I agree.”

24. Why should you marry someone older than you?
As your looks fade, so will their eyesight.

25. After a big fight, my wife yelled at me, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” So I replied, “That may be true, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

26. Be kind to your kids. They choose your nursing home.

27. Why do retirees smile so much?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying.

28. Husbands are like lawn mowers: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.

29. Love is like one long, sweet dream. Marriage is the alarm clock.

30. Apparently saying, “Oh, this old thing?” isn’t an appropriate way to introduce my wife.

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with his friends when an exceptionally beautiful, extremely sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The man considered his proposition for a moment and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand along with his address. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

I'm really good at keeping secrets. The people I tell them to, well that's a different story.

Two rednecks were out fishing one afternoon. The first one turned to his friend and said, "Supposing I was to sneak over to your place tomorrow and knock up your wife while you was off hunting. Do you reckon that'd make us kin?"

"I don't know `bout that," his friend replied, "but it'd sure make us even."

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Cold cuts and chilly.

……does it become disgruntled?

it was gruntled to begin with.

hello

On account of his fowl breath.

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?” So they created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back." So they laid off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go on and on.

Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter administration?

Anybody? Anything? Anyone?

Bottom line is, we've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency, the reason for which very few people who read this can remember!

Ready??

It was very simple... and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8/04/1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT'S 2024 -- 47 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $242 BILLION A YEAR. IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT HAS DONE!

(THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?")

35 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 43% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.

Ah, yes -- good old Federal bureaucracy.

NOW, WE HAVE TURNED OVER THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?

What can possibly go wrong?

Hello!! Anybody Home?

Signed.... The Night Watchman

Ron Chestna, who’s 89 years young, got pulled over by the police around 2 a.m.

The officer asked him, "Where are you off to at this hour?"

Ron responded, "I’m heading to a lecture on alcohol abuse, its effects on the body, plus smoking and being out late."

The officer, a bit taken aback, asked, "Seriously? Who's giving a lecture like that at this time?"

With a totally straight face, Ron replied, "That would be my wife

A guy had been drinking at the bar all night and puked down the front of his shirt. Panicked, he tells the bartender that he can’t go home like that because his wife will kill him. In a stroke of genius, the bartender says, “Put a $20 in your pocket, and when she sees the puke, tell her that some drunk vomited on you and gave you the money for dry cleaning.”

The guy goes home, where his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened. He replies, “A drunk guy puked on me and gave me the money for dry cleaning.” “Okay,” she responds, “Why do you have $40 in your hand?” The husband looks at her and says, “He also shit my pants.”

Won't be by this year. He's waiting charges for laying a dolly under the tree.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

Bluetooth…the name doesn’t sound techie. It’s not an acronym and doesn’t stand for anything. So what does it mean? Surprisingly, the name dates back more than a millennia to King Harald “Bluetooth” Gormsson who was well known for two things: he united Denmark and Norway in 958 and he had a dead tooth, which was a dark blue/grey color, and earned him the nickname Bluetooth.

In 1996, during a collaboration meeting between Intel, Ericsson and Nokia, Jim Kardach of Intel suggested Bluetooth as a temporary code name. Kardach was later quoted as saying, “King Harald Bluetooth…was famous for uniting Scandinavia just as we intended to unite the PC and cellular industries with a short-range wireless link.” The word Bluetooth was only intended as a placeholder until the marketing geniuses came up with something better.

The Bluetooth logo is a rune merging the ancient Norse runes (Hagall) (ᚼ) and (Bjarkan) (ᛒ)..

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her,
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use
deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week !

Okay, not a joke but an "informative piece of drivel".

The word "gruntled" is a bit of an obscure one, but is sometimes used as an antonym of "disgruntled." As you may have guessed, gruntled was back-formed from disgruntled, likely because people thought it was odd you could be "dis" gruntled but not just plain old gruntled. Here's where things get weird. We're used to "dis" coming from the French root "des" meaning "not, or opposite of" (see disadvantage, disarm, disability, etc.). However, in the case of disgruntled, "dis" was actually used as an intensifier, which is rare but occasionally seen elsewhere in English (disembowel, disannul, etc.).

How do we know this? "Gruntle" was attested back to the 1500s as a verb meaning "to murmur or complain." When "disgruntled" was formed, it was in essence a way of saying that someone is "very gruntled." But over time, as "gruntle" fell out of fashion as a verb and "dis" became increasingly associated with its French root, we inadvertently formed "gruntled" as the complete antithesis to its original meaning.

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!”

The wife noticed that there’s something fishy in her husband’s story but since she was a good wife she listened to her husband and did exactly as he told her. After a week the husband returned home, looking a bit tired but happy to have done a good job. The wife immediately started asking about the weekend, how it was, if he’d caught any fish and so on.

The husband said: “Yes, Lots of Blue gill and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?”

To which the wife responded: “I did…..They’re in your fishing box”.

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: "Mind if I say a word?"

She says: "Please do."

The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."

The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."

A woman decided to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spent $15,000 and felt really good about the results. After a couple weeks recovery, she went to a dress shop for a new dress to go with her new look. As she was leaving, she said to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32,"he replied.

"I'm actually 50," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.

He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 50!" she said, feeling really good.

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay... How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

To spend less time on the web.

.What does a dog do on its day off? Laying around is its job.

The best ever

Because they drop the ball every year.

A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It’s a slow night and he has no customers.
He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, “Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?”
“Certainly, Sister, what is it?”
“Well, it’s not for us, you understand, it’s for Father Murphy. He’s suffering from a bad case of the constipation, and the only thing that helps the poor man out is a wee drop of whiskey.”
The other nun continues, “We’d go to the shop, but gossips in this town being as they are, we thought we’d ask you for this favor instead, as we know you’re a discreet man and can keep a secret, as all bartenders do.”
The bartender replies, “Certainly, Sisters, I’ll just be a moment.” He returns and hands them an unopened bottle of some fine Scotch single-malt.
Later, he locks up and starts driving home, and what does he see, but the two nuns, walking down the middle of the road, weaving, and singing at the top of their lungs. He can see the bottle, and it’s all gone except for the last inch or two.
He pulls over and rolls down the window. “Sisters!” he exclaims. “I thought you said that bottle was for Father Murphy’s constipation!”
“Oh, but it is,” one replied. “When we get back, and he sees us in this condition, he’s going to s**t himself!”