Factory Joke Thread – June 2024

Love in your heart
Wasn't put there to stay.
Love isn't Love
"Till you give it away"

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”
The bride-to-be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.”
“WELL!,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”
“What about your third husband?”
“That one was a politician “, said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be…but nothing ever happened.”

But I gave up after I found it to be time consuming.

So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Wow

LOT'S WIFE The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"________________________________

GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."________________________________

DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark? "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."________________________________

HIGHER POWER A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"________________________________

MOSES AND THE RED SEA Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelite's out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelite s were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!________________________________

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."________________________________

UNANSWERED PRAYER The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.____________________

BEING THANKFUL A preacher said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"_______________________________

TIME TO PRAY A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 
"Yes, sir." the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime" ________________________________

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"________________________________

Just because I took a day off.

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.
Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.
A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.
The driver explained, 'The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown.
Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark...' The passenger interjected, 'Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?' The driver continued, 'She replied, 'Oh s**t, I'm on the wrong bus!

old is this? A 5 cent bus ride!

Just needed a little space.

When I was young I played Pinball for a nickel.

I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!

I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!

My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.

I have a clean conscious—it's never been used.

Hu

Inscription on a headstone: “Here lies a politician and an honest man.”

A passerby remarked, “It's hard to believe there's room enough for two people in that grave.”

Nice

If they had four they'd be chicken sedans.

A friend was on the bus when the gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby is being difficult, so she says: "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man next to me."

Ten minutes later, the baby is still acting up, so she says again: "Finish up or I'll give it to this nice man sitting here."

Then he turns to her and says: "Make your mind up! I should've got off four stops ago!"

I call it "Chicken Sees A Salad."

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

A young woman was pulled over for speeding by the Pennsylvania State Police. As the trooper was walking to her car he flipped open his ticket book. The woman replied "I bet you are going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." The trooper replied "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a long moment of silence. The trooper closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, returned to his patrol car, and drove off.