Factory Joke Thread – February 2024

Dorothy and Edna, two elderly widows, are talking.
 
Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”
 
Edna: “Well, I’ll warn you about what happened last week!

He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvelous dinner… lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

But then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and made love his way with me two times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.” 

Chickens and Eggs
The elderly grandma always talked to the hens whenever she fed them.

One day, her grandson asked, "Grandma, why do you talk to the chickens?"

"I'm just trying to egg them on."

Fresh Like Produce
My parents aged as slowly as a basket of freshly picked apples; I, on the other hand, am a halved avocado quickly approaching its expiration date.

Silver Hair
"Grandma, I can't wait to have silver hair just like yours."

Slathering sunscreen onto her head and plopping a sunhat on top, "...sure sweetheart, keep dreaming."

Road Rash
An elderly couple looks through their living room windows to check the weather.

After finding it bright and sunny, the elderly woman looks to her husband and asks "Winston, I forgot to put a bra on this morning. Think I should put one on before our walk?"

Catching her eyes in a steady gaze, Winston replies, "Sweetheart, you probably should. It's pushing 90° and that's one area I don't think you want to get road rash .

This section can be so silly!

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

There was mass confusion.

I called Wal-Mart today to see when my W-2 would be in and they gave me a 1-800 number to call. I called, and after giving her all my info, she couldn't find me. She asked me what my employee number was, and I told her I had no clue. She asked who my supervisor was and again, I told her I wasn't sure about that either. She then asked what department I worked in, and I told her I was a self-checkout cashier. I can't believe she hung up on me! Such unprofessionalism from the head office.

Cool

Time to get a new clock.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,' Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea.

Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

A man walks into a watering hole with a large box and takes a seat at the bar. The bartender, curious, asks, “What’s in the box?”

The man says, “I’ll show you if you get me a free beer.”

So the bartender gets the man a beer. The man drinks it, then pulls out a minuscule little man and a matching piano. The little man promptly starts playing the little piano.

“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” the bartender says. “Where did you get that?”

The man says, “I’ll tell you if you get me another beer.”

So the bartender gets the man another beer. The man drinks it. “I got it from a genie in a lamp,” he finally reveals.

Fully invested now, the bartender says, “If you let me borrow that lamp, I’ll give you another beer.”

“Sure!” the man answers. The bartender gets him another beer, and the man hands the bartender the lamp.

The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out.

“You are now my master,” the genie announces. “I will grant you one wish. What will it be?”

The bartender immediately says, “I wish for a million bucks!”

All of a sudden, a million ducks start flying into the room.

“What the heck is this!” screams the bartender, attempting to chase them out. “I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

The man, still sitting at the bar, responds, “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and

I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says...................

'Grandpa,.......... go home!'

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother was upset at hearing her son curse like sailor. She walked into the room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man:'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here..'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'

1. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. A backward poet writes inverse.
11. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
12. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

I wonder if I can get some opinions on my dilemma. My wife has spotted a Royal Caribbean cruise she has her heart set on. On the other hand I like a Princess cruise which looks like a really good one. They are both happening at the same time. Should we book them? Obviously we wont see each other for a couple of weeks. Can anybody see any other advantages? Would you book them?

So I had to put my foot down.

Tooth pics!

I have to send this to my father-in-law. He'll be calling up everywhere he does self checkout.

She's single... She lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window!

I watched as she got home from work this evening! I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun.

Are you doing anything tonight?"

I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great!" she said."Can you look after my dog "

Wow

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepchildren;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

More truth to it than a joke.

Whoever is the author did a helluva job. Well thought out, John from PA.

Phil

Happy Sunday to all.

My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

It was a little horse.

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says, “Is this Whiskey?” Elmer says,” Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

wow

An irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"