Factory Joke Thread – April 2023

you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense o f decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

That show was always great for laughs.

All About Love
Love, Texas is a small but lively town.
Alyce Hills enjoys a morning stop on her way to work for coffee at the Love Café.
Everyone in town knows her as the head of Hills Temporary Agency, but locals simply refer to the agency as Hills.
That makes Alyce the head over Hills in Love.

It's About Time
The elderly congregation was perplexed when the preacher pulled out a pocket watch and threw it to the end of the room. It slammed into the wall and fell to the floor in pieces, but the watch kept ticking.
"What does this demonstration tell you about life?" The preacher challenged the congregation.
A man in the back slowly stood up, leaning on his cane. He stared down at the ticking clock.
"Well, preacher, I suspect this watch shows that time flies and stops for no one."

A bear walked into a bar. He said, “I’ll have a beer ... and a martini.”

The bartender answered, “Sure, but why the big pause?

“Poor old fool,” thought the gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. He invited the old man inside for a drink. The gentleman asked, “So how many have you caught today?

”The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Smart

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

"It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone."
Andy Rooney

"The older I get, the better I used to be."
Lee Trevino

"Grandchildren don't make a man feel old, it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother that does."
J. Norman Collie

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for."
Will Rogers

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.
Mark Twain

"Old people shouldn't eat healthy foods. They need all the preservatives they can get."
Robert Orben

How do you defeat a vegan vampire?

With a steak!

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing.

So, when does this "Old Enough to Know Better" age supposed to Start?

For the Old Man
The man at the door explained that he was collecting for the Old Foks Home, so the kids gave him their dad.

If you are out in public and your child has a meltdown, just tell those looking over, "I'm sorry. We just had an exorcism yesterday and didn't get them all."

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The query:

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed: Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck
Tech Support

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irishman answered his door to find two grim-faced constables.
"We're sorry Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Deirdre,” said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Mickey O'Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "what could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Deirdre up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news then what's the really greatnews?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Awesome

I'd have 37 cents.

In the '60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

A block of cheese is actually just a loaf of milk.

Catholic priest and Nun
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and
enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a
mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "S---, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "S---, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the
nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the
4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "S---, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out
of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"S---, I missed

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?'

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension".
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, &held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.........
BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME."