Factory Joke Thread – October 2022

Why did the bee get married? He found his honey.
Did you hear the rumor about the butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it!
I’m really good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
Why can’t a bicycle stand on it’s own? It is two tired.
What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
What does it make you if you see a robbery at an Apple Store? An iwitness.
What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a keyboard? The space bar.
What is brown and sticky? A stick
Can February March? No but April May

fUNNY

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: “Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: “Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: “Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Stormy,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.”

I selected the Confucius voice for my GPS.

Now I get "Turn right at the next corner..."
"...and your destination shall be on your left. But dwell not upon the destination, for it is the journey which is important."

I always fear the wurst.

Funny

Joe was an old-fashioned man and wasn’t exactly out there walking in Pride parades in his free time. One day at breakfast, his oldest daughter gathered up her courage and decided to come out of the closet.

“Dad, I have to tell you something: I’m a lesbian.”

The father put down his newspaper and looked at her. “Hmm… are you sure?”

“Yes, Dad.”

The dad looked a little uneasy, but remained calm and said, “Okay, well, no matter what, you’re still my daughter.”

Upon seeing that the father’s reaction wasn’t as bad as she had feared, the younger sister Lisa also piped up, “Dad, I’m a lesbian too.”

The dad frowned and loudly exclaimed, “Damn it, doesn’t anyone in this house like boys?”

The son raised his hand.

I use all my spare time procrastinating

Last night my neighbor came home drunk and knocked on his own door for five minutes. Problem is, he lives alone , so I went outside and told him he wasn’t home. So he left!

that was funny

Good One!!

Art Gallery:
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies: "Autumn."

One Liners:
This autumn we can look forward to falling leaves and rising gas prices. We'll be raking it up while the oil companies are raking it in.
If money did grow on trees, autumn would be the best season ever! Blue eyed girls like autumn because it brings their eyes out.
It's so strange that autumn is so beautiful, but everything is really dying.
On the first day of autumn (autumnal equinox), the number of hours of daylight and darkness are approximately equal.
Autumn is a time when death is golden and beautiful.
Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/weatherjokes/fall...

Greetings,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3 to 4 months off per year -- and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year's salary death bonus; and then continue to pay my spouse my salary (with increases) -- until she/he dies -- along with a health plan that most people can only dream of having. Despite this, I plan to take the next 12 to 18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient for me. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be coming back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in this matter. I can, and I will do this.

Sincerely,

Every Member of Congress running for Re-Election

A recent study found that 20% of people are too-tense.

I Like

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.

"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.

The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."

Wife said, two things about you bug me:
1. You don't listen to me.
2. I don't recall.

Good One!!

Not a joke, but thought provoking

A generation that walked to school and then walked back.

A generation that did their homework alone to get out asap to play in the street.

A generation that spent all their free time in the streets with their friends.

A generation that played hide and seek when dark.

A generation that made mud cakes.

A generation that collected sports cards.

A generation that found, collected, washed & returned empty coke bottles to the local grocery store for 5 cents each, then bought a Mountain Dew and candy bar with the money.

A generation that made paper toys with their bare hands.

A generation who bought vinyl albums to play on record players.

A generation that collected photos and albums of clippings of their life experiences as a kid.

A generation that played board games and cards on rainy days.

A generation whose TV went off at midnight after playing the National Anthem.

A generation that had parents who were there.

A generation that laughed under the covers in bed so parents didn't know we were still awake.

A generation that is passing and unfortunately it will never return no matter how hard we try.

I loved Growing up when I did. it was the best of times.

Yuppers

1. Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking A closed mouth gathers no feet!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

A priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest bit@h, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while b@nging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's bit@h."

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

way to funny

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”

“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”

Box Car, I feel I'm fairly perceptive but I just don't get this. Maybe you can type slower?

Phil

It was meant to be a Priest and a Rabbi, but the spelling for Rabbi was made into rabbit intentionally. Thus making it a "typo".

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with
suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy in hopes of opening a gold course.

Well, duh!

Phil

Last night my kids and grandkids were over and I said to them, "I never want to live in some vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."

My daughter got up, unplugged the computer, and poured out my wine.

1. I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. "I went over and nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm! So ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Jed and Wilma, an elderly couple, were driving to Buffalo to visit family.

Naturally, given their age, they shared the driving with a changeover each time they stopped for a comfort break.

Whilst Wilma was behind the steering wheel, she was pulled over by the Police.

“Mam, did you know you were speeding?” said the Police officer.

Now Wilma was hard of hearing, so she turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?“

In response, Jed yelled, “He says you were speeding!“

“Mam, may I see your driver’s license, please?” the Police officer asked politely.

Once again, Wilma turned to Jed and said, “What did he say?“

Yelling, once again, Jed responded, “He wants to see your driver’s license!“

Wilma searched through her purse and eventually found her driver’s license which she passed to the Police officer.

The Police officer checked her license details and then, by way of conversation, remarked with a smile, “Mam, I see you’re from New York City. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.“

Once again, Wilma turned to Jed and asked, “What did he say?“

“He said he thinks he knows you!” yelled Jed.

…I just thought I was slow on the uptake. I’m glad that someone explained it. It makes sense now. And, actually, kind of funny.

This is an old Rodney Dangerfield routine and every time I see it, it still makes me chuckle.

Phil

Funny

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.

The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad.

You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange.

Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something bad does happen to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

Why are mathematicians good dancers?

Because they have algorithm.

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."

A WWII airborne guy told me "around midnight you need to drop your standards" He also said his dad (a WWI vet) told him "if you aren't in bed by 10 o'clock you might as well give up and go home".

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

good one

He and She are getting undressed
he takes off his shoes- his toes are all twisted
she says what
he says, toelio, like polio but only affects the toes
she takes off her wedding dress over her head - her knees all mutated
he says what
she says Kneesles
he takes off his pants
she says Oh NO smallcox

An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool…
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

A woman on the phone to her friend:
“I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising….
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.”

Where my ghouls at?