Factory Joke Thread – August 2022

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read all the forum rules before posting, and keep in mind...

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

This thread will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

I'll kick off August

Fun fact, women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.

When I see lovers' names carved on trees, I think it's strange how many people bring knives on a date.

Seeing how some people wear their masks, I now understand how contraceptives fail.

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.

To save on Christmas gifts, be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving this year.

Bill: "Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike."
Pete: "Since when is Mike your best friend?"
Bill: "Since yesterday."

My wife sent me a text that said "Your great". So naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great". Ever since she's been walking around all happy and smiling. Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it?

Whenever my wife start singing in the house, I go sit on the porch so neighbors realize I'm not hitting her.

--
John from PA

you know how

many winners will throw the ball into the crowd when they win? I now know why they don't do that in bowling.

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

Dogs...

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Couple of Silly Ones.

Mary had a little lamb
she shot it with a gun,
she sold it to McDonald's
and now its on a bun.

Cross the Road
Why did the chicken cross the hot desert road?
To get out of town, but who picked her up?
A man in a white suit, white beard, and black glasses that told her he could give her a lift all the way to Kentucky.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/fastfoodjokes.htm...

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Sigh ...

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

Father Son Activities

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

This Will Rot More than Your Teeth

The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilizers and pesticides and none of us realizes the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous, and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'

The Backwoods

Just before thanksgiving Jim and Eddie are out hunting for turkeys when
Jim keel's over and collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his
eyes are glazed. Eddie gets out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services.

He gasps, 'My friend Jim is dead! What can I do?' The operator says,
'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a
silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the Eddie says, 'OK, now what?'

The pilot and the blonde

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde gets up from economy class and moves to the first class section. The flight attendant sees her do this and approaches her and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for an economy class ticket and will have to return to her seat in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.” The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and explains the situation. The co-pilot says that he will take care of it and approaches the blonde telling her that she will have to return to her seat in economy class since that is what she paid for. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, this plane is going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.” The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the pilot and flight attendant what happened. He tells the pilot that the woman won’t listen to reasoning and that he should probably call the tower in Toronto and have the police ready at the airport to arrest the woman when they land. The pilot stands up and says, “You say that she’s a blonde? I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He goes back and whispers in the blonde’s ear. She says, “I’m sorry” and gets up and moves to the rear of the plane. The flight attendant and co-pilot are totally amazed and asked the pilot what he said to the blonde. He said, ‘I told her that first class isn’t going to Toronto.’

--
With God, all things are possible. ——State motto of the Great State of Ohio

good one!!

good one!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Success

I asked seven billionaires, "What's the secret to your success?" and they all said the same thing.

"How did you get into my mansion?"

The Pilot And The Blonde

Wow

Pillow Talk

So, my wife and I were lying in bed last night. I turned to her and asked... "Honey, what would you most like to do with my body?"

"Identify it" was not the answer I was looking for.

Jack the Cowboy

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances toward him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and says to the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?“

Jack looks at the man, who’s obviously a yuppie, he then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and responds calmly, “Sure, why not?“

The yuppie then whips out a very impressive iPhone Pro smartphone from his jacket pocket and begins to surf the NASA website. Simultaneously he uses the GPS satellite to get the exact coordinates of his location. He then feeds that back to Google Earth to capture a high-resolution image of this location.

The young man then opens the digital image in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia.

Within seconds, he receives an email to his iPhone Pro to confirm that the image has been processed and the data captured and stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he uses an AirPrint printer located in his car to print out a full-color, 150-page report. He then turns to Jack, hands him the report and says, “Sir, you’ll see from the Executive Summary that you have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.“

“That’s right,” says Jack. “I guess you can take one of my calves.“

Jack then watches with amusement as the young man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his car.

After a minute or two, Jack says to the guy, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my calf back?“

The young man thinks for a second and then he says, “Sure, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the US Government“, says Jack.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?“

“No guessing required son,” Jack responded. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want paying for an answer I already know; to a question, I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how smart you are; and you don’t know a thing about how ordinary, working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. If you did you’d know that this herd is actually a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

Children....

I think I might like to have children one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Yep

My roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Cause of Death

Investigator: "How did your husband die?"

Wife: (sobbing) "Poison."

Investigator: "But there's bruises all over his body?"

Wife: (still sobbing) "I know, he didn't want to take it."

Stopped eating fastfood and started cooking at home

Haven't figured out how to McNugget a chicken yet.

An old drunk walks in the

An old drunk walks in the the toughest biker bar. He immediately Scans the crowd until he find the toughest biker in the bar
The guy is a Monster or a man and looks very dangerous. The old drunken man sits down on a bar stool next to him and says loudly, “Hey buddy! Hey! Tough guy! Why don’t you buy me a beer before I go home and go bang your mom!”

The crowd goes silent; they know this biker has killed for far less. But he just sits there turning red. The old guy continues: “You know I banged your mom last week too! She LOVED it!!”

Again, the crowd waits for the big biker to kill the olds drunk. But he just sits there getting angrier and angrier. The old man says: “I’m going to give it to her so hard tonight! She won’t walk right after I’m done with her! What do you think about that, big guy??”

Suddenly the massive biker stands up, spins the old drunk towards him, grabs his shoulders and says “Goddamit dad, go home! You’re drunk!”

Have you noticed?

Have you noticed THE and IRS spell theirs?

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

A biker went for a ride with

A biker went for a ride with his girlfriend Ruth...
As they were riding they came to a low bridge. He ducked, but she didn't. He rode on ruthlessly.

Turning 80

Next year I will turn 80! It has been a good life but I have to render praise to my middle finger. It has stuck up for me for almost the enter time!

--
John from PA

Logic of a Boy

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?

Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too… and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

I can relate.

A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whiskey and starts chugging. After he was halfway done, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You'd would too if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "No money.

The idiot

A man was standing on the corner in Moscow shouting, "The president is an idiot." The police came by and arrested him. One of the officers said to him, "You know you can't say things like that about Putin." The man replied, "I was speaking about the president of Ukraine." The officer looked at him and said, "Come on now, we know you are lying, everyone knows who the real idiot is."

Yep

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Yep

Confucius say… never argue with a fool… he may be doing the same thing.

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Age...

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

THE CYNICAL PHILOSOPHER

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

Julie Andrews sings at 85

Note: Snopes reports this to be false but the words certainly seem applicable to perhaps at least some old folks.

To commemorate her 85th birthday, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.

Here are the lyrics she used:

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

--
John from PA