Factory Joke Thread – June 2022
 |
    12 years
|
This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
****Note regarding this month's delay in posting of the thread****
I strongly considered discontinuing the POI Factory Joke Thread.
Forum moderation is not easy in general, let alone a joke thread, particularly in a time of extreme political polarization and social disruption. So please be thoughtful in what you chose to share here.
Read all the forum rules before posting, keeping in mind...
"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
Also, if your joke is removed try not to take it personally.
I try to keep post moderating to a minimum and only remove items that violate our forum rules or that could reflect poorly on POI Factory as a whole.
This thread will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
~Angela
Old age...
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane.
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." – GB
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagnerf
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown "
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns "
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
John from PA
Great point
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said that’s what you did yesterday—to which I replied—"I WASN’T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the testicles? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the testicles, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the testicles is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the testicles."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
[I used the term testicles, feel free to make an appropriate substitution in your own mind}
Never quite thought of it that way before. But, it makes perfect sense.
With God, all things are possible. ——State motto of the Great State of Ohio
Lingerie for His Wife
An older man with vision problems walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most sexy, see-through item for his wife.
After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace garment for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on.
She took it upstairs and realized that it didn’t quite fit. but, she figured, since it was supposed to be see-through and he was practically blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
“Huh,” said the man, when he saw her. “For the amount I paid, they could’ve at least ironed the damn thing.”
Little Johnny learns about society
Johnny asks his dad how a country runs. His dad thinks and replies, ‘Well, it’s like this. I earn the money in the house, so I’m the rich. Your mom takes care of running the home, so she is the government. The maid is the working class, and your baby brother is the future. And finally you Johnny, are the average citizen.’
That night Johnny is woken up by his baby brother’s cries. He goes to the crib and notices that his brother has soiled his diapers. He runs to his mom and finds her fast asleep. He then goes to the maid’s room and finds her in bed with his father. He returns to his bed.
The next day Johnny tells his dad that he has the working of a country all figured out. His dad asks him to explain.
“A country is where an average citizen can’t get proper sleep as the rich are screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep and the future is full of shit,” Johnny explains.
senior center
Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 68 years old and you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
I signed up for five jumps a week!
Kids Meal
I ate a kids meal at McDonalds today. His mother seemed pretty upset.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
What's worse
What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
got my money back
Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The camel's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead camel.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead camel!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.
I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead camel?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his $2 back.'
Got My Money Back
I like
Final June Jokes
What do you call a labrador at the beach in August?
A hot dog
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Finland
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.