Factory Joke Thread – June 2022

Since most of the population at the Factory are up in years, I thought this might get a chuckle.

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers

"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis

"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci “

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir

"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller

"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller

"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns

"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg

“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings, and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash

"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." – Unknown

"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns

“I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." – Unknown

"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns

"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." – Unknown

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino

"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin

"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope

"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer

"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker

"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." – Anonymous

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only must remember it.” - George Burns

“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier

"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien

"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie

"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain

"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett

"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg

"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings

"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." – Unknown

"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns

"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday.

I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous

"I feel very young. At age 80 I had to learn to hold a spoon and walk upright again" - Ian Teuty

I think that you have just covered the whole month of June.

Gas prices are getting ridiculous
I went online to check the value of my car and it asked if the tank was empty or full.

Gas prices are getting out of hand
There was an attempted heist at the art museum. It seems the gang was Baroque and needed Monet. But they didn't buy enough of Degas to make the Van Gogh so they all got arrested.

... on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher, "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm... An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." he says. "He got in the back seat by mistake."

That I never get that old, lol!

"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles."

"I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction."

"What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"

"What does a bee use to brush its hair?" "
A honeycomb!"

"How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it."

"Why did the math book look so sad?
Because of all of its problems!"

"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese."

"My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."

"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!"

"How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together."

"Love, Texas is a small but lively town,

Alyce Hills enjoys a morning stop on her way to work for coffee at the Love Café.

Everyone in town knows her as the head of Hills Temporary Agency, but locals simply refer to the agency as Hills.

That makes Alyce the head over Hills in Love." -Sally Painter

...to buy condoms and walks up to the pharmacy counter.

The pharmacist asks the young man whether he wants a 3, 9, or 12 pack.

“Well, I’ve been seeing this girl for a few months now,” the boy began, “and I think tonight is ‘the’ night. First, we’re going to have dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out… and I’m pretty sure I’ll be getting lucky,” he said with a smile. “After the first time, she’ll be guaranteed to want me all the time, so I’d better get the 12 pack to start.” The boy paid the pharmacist, grabbed the condoms, and walked out the door.

That night, the young man sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He offers to give the blessing and enters into a long prayer and it goes on for minutes…

The girl nudges her boyfriend, saying, “You never told me you were so religious.”

The boy then whispers into her ear, “You never told me your father was a pharmacist.”

Good One!!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties, had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!

My neighbor made me give it back.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

thrak, subtle but cute.

Phil

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."
The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.
"Two miles down the road, you would have said, "I wish that arsehole would've tried that s**t with me!"..

I got gas for $1.39 today. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

You can retire to Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.

6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

-OR-

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

-OR-

You can retire to New York City where…

1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature.”

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

-OR-

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

-OR-

You can retire to The Deep South where.

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin " is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder. ”

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!

-OR-

You can move to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail .

-OR-

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?”

-OR-

FINALLY you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

A sudden moment of clarity.

What is brown, hairy, and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.

What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!

What did the little corn say to the mama corn?
Where is pop corn?

How do we know that the ocean is friendly?
It waves!

What do you do if you get rejected at the sunscreen company?
Reapply

Barbara was married to an irresponsible man. She had to take care of the kids all by herself, since her so-called man of the house was always hanging out in bars with his friends. And when he was home, he was mostly drinking and lazing around.

One evening, Barbara called her mother-in-law. They had never really gotten along, since her mother-in-law always took her son’s side even when he was in the wrong, and she would never offer to help out with the kids.

Her mother-in-law clearly was of the opinion that her little prince could do no wrong.

Barbara asked her mother-in-law over the phone, “When kids soil themselves, who do you think should change them – the mother of the father?”

The mother-in-law replied snidely, “The mother should always be the one to do it.”

“Okay,” Barbara replied, “In that case can you please come over as soon as you can. Your son is drunk and has crapped his pants.”

I'm never lonely because I have four men in my life.

I get up with Charlie Horse.

I spend the day with Arthur Itis.

I dine with Will Power.

...and I go to bed with Ben Gay.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent. The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. The next week the lady comes back. Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts. although still silent. stink terribly. The doctor says, Good. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

Sent this one to my son who is a CHP officer.

Good one.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.

It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

That's two things. Three if you count the fact they can't add and subtract let alone count.

But I was two tired.

In the context of the sentence 'history' is one thing... you are right about the mathematics.

The wife is an educator, and I an engineer from the slide rule days. I actually didn’t have access to a small calculator until about 2 years into my engineering career! My wife recently pointed out to me that 81% of high school seniors recently got the wrong answer on a question worded (more or less); I have 2/3 of a yard of cord, how many pieces of 1/6th of a yard can I get from the cord? When asked why students didn’t get the answer, many replied they didn’t know how many inches were in a yard.

Now, the question was on a timed portion of the test, so I suspect many students just skipped the question. When the wife asked me the answer, I within a second or two I replied 4. She was amazed at how quick I had the answer. However, all I did was take the original 2/3 of a yard and changed the fraction to 4/6 and immediately had the answer.

Kids today don’t know common sense, nor are they taught to think.

Apparently I'm old, because I did the same thiing and came up with out really thinking the correct answer.

I did exactly the same thing, too, only I didn't misspell your thiing above.

Phil

Fat Fingers!

I came up with 4 right away by converting to sixths. I thought it might be a trick question. I had to read it a few times to be sure.

yo

First off, THANK YOU EVERYONE for your concern. I'm ok, just a little shaken up, but l'll be ok.

For those of you who don't know what happened, I was robbed this morning at the gas station.

I gathered myself together, my hands were still shaking, I was dizzy and i honestly think I was in shock.

My money was gone.

I called the police, they were fantastic and called for medical assistance as my blood pressure was through the roof. The police asked me if I knew who did it, and I told them "Yes, it was pump number 2.

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.

2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

3. And discover #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. You now have 2 options...delete it, or send it along to put a smile on someone's face today

1. Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one!

2. What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.

3. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

4. What does a sprinter eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast!

5. What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.

6. That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.

7. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!

8. Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.

9. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

10. What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.

And here’s one for the road….

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

Good One!!

I can't resist a sail!

Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

# 1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice
# 2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
# 3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop making you mad.
# 4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
# 5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it. "
# 6 - “On time” is when you get there.
# 7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
# 8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
# 9 - Lately, have you noticed people your age are so much older than you.
# 10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
# 11 - Ageing has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
# 12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

And one more:
"One for the road" means going to the bathroom before you leave the house.

Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car.

I generally hate to brag about some of the expensive vacations that my wife and I have taken but decided to make an exception and share a recent trip.

We’ve just returned from the local gas station.

Percussive Maintenance
(whack it with your fist)

High Impedance Air Gap
(it's not plugged in)

Cycle Power to the Panel
(Turn it OFF, then ON again)

Thermally Reconfigured
(It melted)

Kinetic Disassembly
(It blew up)

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a Trans-Continental Train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At about 1:00am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..."Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.” "I have a better idea," she replied softly, "Just for tonight, ... let's pretend that we're married.” Wow!, thought the guy …"That's a great idea!", he exclaimed. “Good," she replied. “Then get up and get your own fucking blanket.” After a moment of silence… He farted. The End

How do you prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in winter.

What do snowmen do in summer?
Chillout

Where do goldfish go on vacation?
Around the globe

Where do sheep go on vacation?
The Baahamas

Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish!

Good One!!

1. Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
2. Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
3. Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
4. Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
5. What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
6. How do you stay warm in any room?
Sit in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
7. Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross.
8. Why was the math book sad? Because it had so many problems.
9. Why was six scared of seven? Because seven “ate” nine.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

She then said that’s what you did yesterday—to which I replied—"I WASN’T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the testicles? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the testicles, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the testicles is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the testicles."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

[I used the term testicles, feel free to make an appropriate substitution in your own mind}

The cake has me in tiers.

good one