Factory Joke Thread – January 2022

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

FEWER GUESTS
You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.

....or!

Reading can seriously damage your ignorance

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless,

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

Life is all about ass: you’re either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, trying to get a piece of it, busting it, behaving like one, or you live with one.

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6.

HR “The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.”
Prospective employee “Great, I’ll start later.”

Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.

If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks - "What the Hell is wrong with you?"

“I’m 85 and my body is full of aches and pains.”
“Well, I’m 85 and I feel like a newborn baby.”
“Really?”
“Yep, no teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants.”

When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.

Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate one either.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food; no atmosphere.

If you see me talking to myself just move along. I’m self employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo".

I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine.
I’m ageing like milk. Getting sour and chunky.

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. She’s 5 and it’s past her bedtime.

Today’s 3 year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I Like!!!!!!!!!

Not a wise of an answer

It’s Clyde’s first day of grade school after being homeschooled for several years. The teacher asks the young boy if he knows his numbers.

“Yes,” he says. “My daddy taught me.”

“Can you tell me what comes after three?”

“Four,” answers Clyde.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven,” answers little Clyde.

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?”

“A jack,” answers Clyde.

A piece of string walks into a bar. Bar tender says "we don't serve your kind here". String walks out, thinks for a few minutes, then ties himself into a knot and tatters up his string end. Goes back in. Bartender says "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out". String says "I'm a frayed knot".

A friend of mine collects blunt pencils, personally I find his hobby pointless.

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues. I don't even know eight people without issues.

Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied "you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?" I am now blocked.

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers .. if you do find one, what's your plan?

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the ark.

Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask. It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking space faster, so now I just have to sit here until both of us are dead.

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they must be a drug dealer. There's no other explanation for that type of income.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, baconless years ....

Dear Sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't just put stupid look on my face and then leave.

Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky.

In the 1980s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.

Do not vaccinate health care workers first. If it fails, we're all in trouble. Vaccinate the politician first. If we lose a few of them, it won't matter.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite. Apparently you can't do this in Starbucks. And now the cops are here.

I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.

After a year of this pandemic, I'm either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.

I still have a full deck, I just shuffle slower.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

How long did "The Hundred Years War" last
A= 116 years 1337-1453

Some months have 31 days, while others have 30, how many have 28?
A= All 12months have 28.

Say the word "Silk" five times, then spell the word "Silk" outloud.
What do cows drink?
A= Water

What color is the Black Box on a Commerical Airliner?
A= Orange or Red it's easy to find.

How many birthdays does a 30-year-old have?
A= Only one

If a yellow house is made of yellow walls and a green house is made of green walls, and a blue house is made of blue walls, and a white house is made of white walls, then what is a red greenhouse made of
A= Did you answer red walls, Surely you know greenhouses are mad of glass

In Texas, can you marry your widow's sister?
A= It's pretty hard to get married when your dead.

If during a race you pass the third runner, what position are you now?
A= In third place because you took their place.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

************************************************

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

************************************************

It was a big missed-steak.

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position.

When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, “Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got.”

Another man said, “I’ve got strength but no length.”

Another man said to a lady, “Take your hand off my trick.”

I pretty near dropped dead just then when the lady answered, “You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise.”

Another lady was talking about her protecting her honor, and two other ladies said, now it’s time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.”

Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hear someone say, “Well I guess we’ll go home now, that was the last rubber.”

I'm tired of 1080p. Come January, I'm getting a 4K TV
It will be a new year's resolution.

January sales - 50% off all medieval torture devices.
Only while stocks last.

Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date

Why are so many medical examiners hired on January 1st?
It's always, "New Year, new ME"

For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.
It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!

My next-door neighbour has just been showing me the fancy golf balls his wife got him for Christmas, I told him a golf ball is a golf ball no matter how you putt it.

Boss texts me: “Send me one of those
funny dad jokes".

Me: "I can't I'm busy working."

Boss: “That's hilarious. Do you have
anymore?"

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
Reporting to the rest of the family that he had
Died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Just for taking a couple days off.

So True

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, "Close enough"

Posted on one of my car forums.

https://i.imgur.com/oTWJKkX.png

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver

Girlfriend: Flat head, Phillips, or vodka?

And that is when I knew she was the one

I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It’s my New Year’s resolution.

I’m starting a new business tomorrow.
It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.
I’m calling it, “Resolutions.”

When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated.
She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, “Oh, don’t worry honey, this is just my New Year’s resolution.”

Student: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: It’s may.
Student: No, it’s January.

Just been looking through my new 2022 calendar and noticed someone has ripped out the 5th month, I’m dismayed

That's absolutely sick!

And also a clever play on words.

Phil

A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in, and hands him a dime to use as the marker.

This economic model is also used by the government.

yup

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.

What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.

Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.

What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.

What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.

What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.

What’s the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.

There was an old lady from Sod,
Who thought all babies came from God,
It wasn’t the Almighty,
Who lifted her nighty,
It was Roger the lodger
By God.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

1. Install winter snow tires.

2. Drive south.

3. Continue until you see palm trees.

4. Stop and apply sun cream.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always
b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes
from morons?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Adolescence - when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Ya know it’s a bad prostate check when ya get your bill and one of the items listed is one men's dress watch.

Old guy walks into a bar where there are twin sisters sitting at the counter and he rubs his eyes over and over and the sisters decide to tell him, "You are not drunk and seeing double, we are twins", and he responds, "All four of you?"

Yo Baby!!!!!!!!!!

In this age of smartphones, everyone likely knows what "texting" is, but did you know it pays to know the age of the person you are texting with?

Texting abbreviations for seniors:

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend’s Funeral
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can’t Get Up
CR: Can't Remember
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DTAF: Don’t Trust A Fart
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
FYI: For Your Indigestion.
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
GTG: Got the Gout
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHMO: In My HMO...
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
JK: Just Kvetching
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor
MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped In My Pants
ROFL CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing, and Can’t Get Up
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)
TLC: Totally Lost Continence
TOT: Texting on Toilet
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
WTF: Wet the Floor
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

My wife got a good chuckle out of this one, (Yes, we watch golf on TV. It looks GREAT on the 82" Samsung. )

It’s January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain’s Log from the previous day.
He sees “January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today” and he says to the captain, “Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my duties. A log entry like this could hurt my chances of career advancement”.
The captain says, “First Officer, the log entry is factually correct. If the facts aren’t as you’d like them, they should have been different facts, and the consequences are on your own head.”
The First Officer falls silent and carries on with his duties. At the end of his watch he is relieved by the Captain, and before leaving the bridge he makes the following entry: “January 2nd: Captain Frobisher arrived on the bridge sober today.”

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 and tells them "I told my husband that if he walks through the kitchen after I mopped then I would kill him. He didn't listen and I shot him."

Emergency dispatch immediately sends an ambulance for the husband and a squad car for the wife. The chief of police hears about the call shortly afterwards, thinks it's a rather strange story so he drives to the house. When he gets there his officers are still waiting outside.

He asks "Officers, why haven't you gone inside and arrested the woman?"

They reply "Sir we can't go in now. The kitchen floor is still wet."

But with what's going on these days...

We are still battling Covid 19 and the next thing is already here.

The NILE Virus, type C

Virologists have identified a new Nile Virus - type C.

It appears to target those who were born between1940 and 1970.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same message twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank message.

3. Causes you to send a message to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit SEND before you’re finished.

7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.

8.Causes you to SEND when you should DELETE.

It is called the C-NILE virus!

And if you can’t admit to doing the above you’ve obviously caught the mutated strain, the D-NILE virus

I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
MY total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

I had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told me that one of my problems was that I did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that I had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
I'll never use that repairman again...

I live in a semi rural area.
I recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

My buddy and I went to a fast food restaurant and ordered a taco.
He asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When I arrived at a car dealership to pick up my car after a
service, I was told the keys had been locked in it.
I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

Sadly enough those are no jokes but todays reality.
I’ve personally had the give an additional 25 cent experience.

I think I may have been infected...worse yet, I think I may have been infected.

Phil

[Unfortunate that we can't post images that originally accompanied this discourse between Downton Abbey characters.]

The British have such a command of decorum to which we can only aspire.

Being a lover of the fine English Gentry and of the English language in itself, I humbly submit the following discourse, which enlightened me to a rather obscure word vis. "aplomb".

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?" "Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee. That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb."

I don't like to think of myself as getting old.

Just a little closer to being a classic.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a smartphone be in place to video record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Sam, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Centre.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound".

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:
“Mrs. Boone, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

The wife replies, “The ass... has a paper route”.