Factory Joke Thread – November 2021

There are 3 men and a young woman.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,". And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/moneyjokes.html

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

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In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?)
Well,.... not as great as Guam!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

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The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our Government pay for this research??)

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Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

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An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their ass.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!!

jokes!

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker" said the friend.

"I'll be right over" whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious" said the doctor gravely

"In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

Five surgeons are taking their lunch break and enjoying a little banter to relax. The conversation moves on quickly to the people they regard as the best patients.

The first surgeon says, “For me, it’s got to be accountants. They are the best people to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered.“

The second surgeon responds, “No, I don’t agree. Librarians have to be the best people on which to operate because everything inside them is in alphabetical order.“

The third surgeon thinks for a minute, smiles and then he says, “Sounds like you’ve never operated on an electrician. When you open them up you’ll find everything inside them is color coded!“

The fourth surgeon laughs and says,” Well personally I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gut-less and their heads and butts are interchangeable.“

The fifth surgeon has been quietly listening to the conversation so far when he’s asked by the others what he thinks.

“Well I like to operate on engineers because they’re always very understanding if I find myself with a few parts left over when the job’s done” he says.

November is a hot month.
Not as hot as Novfire but much warmer than Novashes.

I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.

It’s a cold November evening and 2 men out on the town.
They enter a bar and approach the keeper.
One man says to the other man, “Hey Donkey, I think it’s your turn” and walks off to use the toilet.
Donkey looks at the bar keeper and says, “T-T-T-T-T-Two B-B-B-B-Beers Ppppppppp-Ppppplease.”
Given his speech impediment, the keeper feels sorry for the man and asks, “Do you mind him calling you Donkey?”
Donkey looks sadly at the keeper and says, “He-aw-He-aw-He always calls me that.”

What do Greek comedians and Americans in November have in common?
They both enjoy roasting Turkey.

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What do you call an iPhone that sleeps too much?

Dead Siri-ous.

Why do programmers mix up festivals like Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC

For those non-techies:
Decimal and octal are two number systems with different bases.The joke here is that Octal 31 (which abbreviated looks like October 31st, Halloween) is equal to Decimal 25 (which abbreviated looks like December 25th, Christmas).

Why was 'beef stew' not used as a computer password?

Because it was not strong-anoff.

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

RIP boiling water, you will be mist.

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you require?", the genie boomed. "I just want to get better," little Benny replied.

"Very well," said the genie. "But on one condition: as per the custom of my people, you can never shave your face. If you do, you will be turned into a Persian urn."

Little Benny eagerly agreed, and the genie disappeared. When little Benny went to the doctor again, he was shocked to see that Benny had completely recovered.

Years go by. Benny has grown up and gotten married. All this time, he had kept his word, and never shaven once. However, it was beginning to get to him. It was hard to sleep at night because of the heavy beard and the itching.

One night, he decides he has had enough and grabs a razor to shave. His wife tries to talk him out of it, but he doesn't listen.

As soon as the razor cuts a single hair, he transforms into a large Persian urn.

The moral of the story? A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. I love you and I want us to live a long life together."

"Not after the way you humiliated me tonight."

"Look, I'll make sure that she doesn't do anything like that again."

"You mean you're going to see her again?"

"Of course."

"Divorce."

"You need to think this through. We have a prenup. If we divorce, you'll be comfortable, but at a very different level. No more taking the jet to Paris for shopping. No more beach house, no more cruises on the yacht. Even dinners like this won't be common."

She is quiet for a while, then she says, "Isn't that Ted from the club? Who's he with? It isn't Stella."

"That's Ted's mistress. I think her name is Kristy or Krissy or something like that."

"Hmm. Ours is prettier."

An out of towner drove his car into a ditch in a sparsely populated area.

Fortunately, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered" Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more, the farmer commanded "Pull Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said "Pull. Buddy, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist thanked the farmer, then asked why he'd called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try.

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt.

When I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away.
Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen.

She immediately went back to cooking.

We didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked "So... what was that all about?"

She said "I had 2 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke".

They have loco motives.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do," said Keith.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

I just did the math and I can retire next year if I start saving $155,229.08 a month.

Good one!!!!!!!!!!!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

“She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

”Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

What’s the opposite of November?
Yesvember.

September, October, November, and December should have been the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th month.
Whoever screwed this up, I hope he got stabbed.

If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?
November thirst.

November?
More like Novem-brrrr.

Good One!!

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers?

The infantry

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

All it was doing was gathering dust!

That's actually how the name came about. True story.

Yep. I'm somewhat amazed to find that someone other than myself has ever looked into the etymology of the word. Thanks for helping to make my day.

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”

#6 - “On time” is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

#9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age… and hope you never will.

And one more:

“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too ****king late pal, I've already done the paperwork!"

Inflation on food prices has gotten serious.  My wife just announced that the "3 second rule" for dropped food has now been expanded to six seconds in our household. 

Good One!!

What do you call someone who commits arson in late November?
A Sagi-terrorist.

‘No Nut November’ has a whole other meaning for squirrels.

New research suggests that towels are a cause of dry skin.

A guy goes into a lawyer's office and asks "Excuse me, how much do you charge?"

The lawyer replies, "I charge $1,000 to answer three questions."

"That's a bit expensive isn't i?"

"Yes. What's your third question?"

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
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"He had delusions of adequacy .” (Walter Kerr)
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"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
- Winston Churchill
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"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. (Clarence Darrow)
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"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” (William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway)
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"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" (Ernest Hemingway about William Faulkner)
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"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” (Moses Hadas)
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"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” (Mark Twain)
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"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde
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"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” (George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill)

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” (Winston Churchill, in response)
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"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop
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"He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright
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"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” (Irvin S. Cobb)
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"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
-Samuel Johnson
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"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
- Paul Keating
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"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
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"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
-Forrest Tucker
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"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
-Mark Twain
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"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
-Mae West
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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
-Oscar Wilde
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"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.”
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
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"He has Van Gogh's ear for music.”
-Billy Wilder
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"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.”
-Groucho Marx
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And a couple of extras

The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
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"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
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"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard
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"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed

My next-door neighbour was complaining that he couldn’t get his bike to stand up, he said it keeps falling down
I told him I know why, its two tired

Good One!!

I avoid debating pi. I find it irrational.

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They're both Paris sites.

What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

for the laughs

yup Funny

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did.

He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. The fat is free!"

I bought a wooden whistle.
But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle.
But it steel wooden whistle.
So, I bought a lead whistle.
But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

So the farmer would think it was a chicken.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Pretty Good

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.
He found an old lamp and rubbed it, and a genie came out.
The genie said " I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."
The man agreed and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said " I would like a million dollars."
The genie granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said "scare me half to death."

I walked into the pub last night and noticed what seemed to be a party in the corner so I asked the blonde bartender what was going on.

They said "It's Tuyu's birthday".

"Oh right... which one's Tuyu?" I replied.

The blonde said "Oh, I've no idea, I just heard them singing 'Happy Birthday, Tuyu'!"