Factory Joke Thread – June 2020

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

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Good one

Wife says to husband "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!

Husband: "OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."

My 3 year old daughter asked

My 3 year old daughter asked: “Where does poo come from?”

I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: “You just had breakfast?”

“Yes”, she replied.

“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what’s left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.”

She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: “And Tigger?”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

growing up

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!

--
garry

Funny!

Funny

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

Travel

As me and the wife headed off to fly on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.

She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."

So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Me too!

I thought that post looked familiar.

A girl once said about me "He's the one!"

Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Travel

O boy thats a good one

Joke

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if u take them while driving............

Wow

josephmwipf wrote:

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if u take them while driving............

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Driving

Wife accidentally hit our dog with her car. The poor thing was asleep on the couch at the time.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Harley Davidson Inventor Meets God

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Too funny

Always great to see now ones!

Timantide wrote:

Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.

Harley Davidson Inventor Meets God

Hey keep them coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Then

Back in the day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled "Last call"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Clarence Darrow

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"With who?"

"Thomas."

"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"

"Since yesterday."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Matters to punder

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

--
John from PA

Life

A man tells his Rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live until eternity. What should I do?" "Get married" said the Rabbi. "Is it that simple? He said.
Would that allow me to live forever?" He said. The Rabbi replied, "No but the desire will soon disappear."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Matters To Punder

I like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Young Politics

  Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
  Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
  Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People.
  The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future.
  Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
  So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep Doo-doo."

Leave here with a laugh

Leave here with a laugh
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Her: Flathead, Phillips or vodka?
Me: And that’s when I knew she was the one.

From RV newsweek

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

More Life

My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, we have all the referees."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am

The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom replied, "That would be my wife."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Drinks

Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."

"Your problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"

"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

You ???

"If you knew how little others thought of you, you would not worry what they thought of you."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

thesaurus

An ancient dinosaur with an awesome vocabulary.

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

Coronavirus Clarity

Found this one on line at a forum. Let me know if you get confused. LOL

Coronavirus Clarity

Many of you may be confused about the procedures to follow during the coronavirus pandemic. Thankfully, a friend who shall remain unnamed has mercifully given us the clear, official coronavirus guidelines.

Follow. Them. Exactly.

Basically, you can’t leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.

Masks are useless. But they will protect you. They can save you, no they can’t. They’re useless, but wear one anyway. Now they’re mandatory. Maybe. Or maybe not.

Stores are closed, except for the ones that are open.

You should not go to the hospital unless you have to go there. Stay out of the ER at all costs unless you’re having a medical emergency. Then it’s okay.

This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster. Stay calm.

There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.

The virus has no effect on children except those it has affected or will affect.

Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested yet, and a tiger – and one really deadly but also possibly fictional but very sick bat.

You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms.

In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but also never go out to the grocery store so eat shelf stable processed crap and stay inside your four walls but also stay healthy.

It’s better to get some fresh air, but you may be arrested if you’re getting fresh air the wrong way and most importantly, don’t go to a park because the fresh air there is deadly.

Under no circumstances should you go to retirement homes, but if you have to take care of the elderly and bring them food and medication then fine. Just wear gloves. The same ones. All day.

You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn’t wear masks or gloves. But you have to leave your groceries outside for 3 hours to be decontaminated by the fresh air that also may have virus particles floating around in it. Or you can wipe your groceries with Lysol. But not the food because that will make you sick. No, it’s totally unnecessary to wipe the groceries. Even though the virus can stay on cardboard for 24 hours. Also, you can’t get the virus from eating food with contagions on it. But you can get it by putting it in your mouth. Wait. What?

Taxi drivers are immune to the virus apparently since you can still take a taxi ride with a random taxi driver. Just don’t take the taxi to your mom’s house because you know. Stay away from your mom.

You can walk around with a friend if you stay six feet apart but don’t visit with your family if they don’t live under the same roof as you. Even if you’ve all been locked inside for two months already. You may still have the virus and just not know it yet. You’ll find out. Wait another week. Wasn’t that already a week? Might be the next one. Keep waiting.

You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance. Social distancing means you shouldn’t leave your house and don’t be social, except you may go to the liquor store but don’t socialize there while you’re being socially distant.

The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn’t say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.

The virus stays in the air – well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however, in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.

If you have symptoms, call to book a diagnostic test. We will hear your symptoms on the phone and if you are eligible for a test, you don’t need the test. Assume you have it and quarantine for two weeks. If you don’t have symptoms, you are ineligible for the test. Quarantine for two weeks or better yet until we lift restrictions, which may be in a week, a month or six months. Also, whoever wants a test can get a test.
Wash your hands. There are no statistics whatever about whether this matters but you might as well.
We count the number of deaths but we don’t know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were “almost dead” to find out if that’s what they will die of.

The virus will only disappear if we achieve collective/herd immunity… but stay inside until the virus disappears because we have no immunity.

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Thanks

Thanks to all who provided me with an hour of humor for the month. Especially the chili.

@GeoC320's Thanks For The Laugh

Sincerest appreciation of the explanation of Coronavirus Clarity.
smile

--
Nuvi 2460LMT 2 Units

I‌‌ f‌‌ound a‌‌ s‌‌nake, i‌‌s i‌‌t p‌‌oisonous?

Me: N‌‌o l‌‌ittle o‌‌ne, t‌‌his s‌‌nake i‌‌sn't p‌‌oisonous a‌‌t a‌‌ll.

Snake b‌‌ites b‌‌oy a‌‌nd b‌‌oy i‌‌mmediately s‌‌tarts t‌‌o s‌‌pasm a‌‌nd f‌‌oam a‌‌t t‌‌he m‌‌outh, l‌‌eaving t‌‌he o‌‌ther k‌‌ids w‌‌atching, h‌‌orrified.

Me: H‌‌owever, t‌‌his s‌‌nake i‌‌s v‌‌enomous. V‌‌enom i‌‌s a‌‌lways i‌‌njected, p‌‌oison i‌‌s i‌‌ngested o‌‌r a‌‌bsorbed t‌‌hrough t‌‌he s‌‌kin. L‌‌et's g‌‌et i‌‌t r‌‌ight n‌‌ext t‌‌ime l‌‌ads.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Staistics

88.6% of all facts are made up on the spot.

Privacy

My wife said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At least that's what it says in her diary.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

alligator shoes

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn’t want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said angrily, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper smiled and replied, “Go ahead! Try to catch a really big one while you’re at it!”

Later that day while on his way home, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in a swamp, shotgun in hand. He stopped to look, and just then he saw an enormous alligator swimming toward the blonde.

She took aim at the alligator, and BAM! She scored a perfect bullseye, and with some effort managed to haul the alligator onto the swamp bank.

The shopkeeper suddenly noticed that several more of the dead creatures were lying around the blonde.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, “Damn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

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