This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
Please read the forum rules before posting.
"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Leave here with a laugh
My wife and I just had a daughter. We named her JuneJulyAugust. We call her Summer for short.
From RV Daily Tips:
My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge
As a brain wave technologist, I often ask postoperative patients to smile to make sure their facial nerves are intact. It always struck me as odd to be asking this question right after brain surgery, so a colleague suggested I ask patients to show me their teeth. Armed with this new phrase, I said to my next patient, “Mr. Smith, show me your teeth.” He shook his head. “The nurse has them.” —
Leave here with a laugh
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
From RV Daily Tips
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words: complete and finished. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:
“When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year-old Scotch
"I have a half brother"
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,who was visiting from Gering , Nebraska. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT .. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report
...but one of the best that can be shared with everyone...lol
A woman is in an accident while she's pregnant. While in a comma she has twins (a boy & a girl).
When she woke up she asked the doctor were her baby was. The doctor said she had twins but her brother named them.
She replied,"My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them. Anyway what did he name the girl?" "Denise", replied the doctor.
That's not so bad."What about the boy", she finally asked. "Denephew" replied the doctor.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.
From RV Travel Daily newsletter
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."
So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.
Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone.
"Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man?
"Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress."
Sister Patrick stares in shock.
"Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers."
Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?"
"Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!"
My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed."
We need these.. Thanks, Keep them coming!!
I can remember the days when we used to smoke in pubs, now we can't even drink in them.
Sorry for any repeats:
I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we’ll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by “ourselves” I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.
New monthly budget: Gas $0 Entertainment $0 Clothes $0 Groceries $2,799.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don’t have nails to file and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!
When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: “Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale.”
Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 6 weeks.
It may take a village to raise a child but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.
I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages. Worst Apocalypse Ever.
They can open things up next month, I’m staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.
I was in a long line this morning at the grocery store and it was opening at 8:00 AM for seniors only . A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. As he approached the line for the 2nd time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’re never going to get in there.”
Enjoy your day. You don’t have anything else.
- On the bright side, I am no longer calling this shelter-in-place. I am an artist-in-residence.
- After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason
- If you thought toilet paper was crazy ... just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment.
- 2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.
- Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.
- If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
- This cleaning with alcohol is total B.S… NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
- Kinda’ starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens.
- You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers….
- My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world.
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Dogs: "Oh My god, you're here all day and this is the best as I can love you, see you, be with you and follow you! I am so excited because you are the greatest and I love you being here so much!
Cats: "What the hell are you still doing here?"
A camel can work for 10 days without drinking...I can drink for 10 days without working.
Something like this in a real twangy voice with strumming guitars...
I came out of the bar late one night and my truck and I had an awful fight
It drove off and left me out of pure spite!
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
If a married man speaks and there are no ears to hear, is he still wrong?
Depends if it is an admission he was wrong, then no.
Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring!
18 UNNATURAL LAWS
O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN—Cleanliness is next to impossible.
LIEBERMAN'S LAW—Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens.
DENNISTON'S LAW—Virtue is its own punishment.
GOLD'S LAW—If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
HANDY GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE—If it's green or it wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
CONWAY'S LAW—In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE—Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
STEWART'S LAW OF RETRO ACTION— It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
HARRISON'S POSTULATE—For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
HANLON'S RAZOR—Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
MUIR'S LAW—When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
FIRST RULE OF HISTORY—History doesn't repeat itself—historians merely repeat each
FINSTER'S LAW—A closed mouth gathers no feet.
OLIVER'S LAW OF LOCATION—No matter where you go, there you are.
LYNCH'S LAW—When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
GLYME'S FORMULA FOR SUCCESS—The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
MANSON'S FIRST LAW OF SYNERGISM —The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE—People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
Well played, Box Car.
There were four brothers , Somebody, Nobody, Brain and Mad.
One day Somebody got angry and killed Nobody, then Brain went in the toilet crying.
Then Mad phoned the police and said "Somebody killed Nobody". The Police said "Where is your brain", Mad said "It is in the toilet."
StupI hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be “saved” or else you’ll “burn
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really screwed up now.”
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So, when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up, she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you,” obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
I used to have a lot of users like that when I managed an IT Department with the government...
Reminds me when I first heard the statement
"Users are losers!" and I thought they really know what tech support has to deal with!
then my wife said..."That's about DRUGS you dummy!"
Since everybody has now started washing their hands, the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste.
A good laugh to change mood..... Squirrels Find Religion
As a band of squirrels had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since!
My Wife isn't talking to me, she said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how... I didn't even know it was her birthday.
The problem with Family Reunions is It’s always the same people.
I was in the McDonald's drive through the other morning and the young lady behind me honked at me; apparently very upset because I was taking too long to pay. "Wow. take the high road," I thought to myself. So, I paid for her food too.
As I moved up, she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I had paid for her food order. She felt embarrassed.
When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too. I paid for it, it was mine!
Now she has to go back through the line again and wait even longer. She's gonna learn today you just don't mess with us smarter old people.
Seems to me that "The Beach Bum" posted this on the 15th of June already !
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
Seems to me that "The Beach Bum" posted this on the 15th of June already !
Sorry, my bad, but now we need a “delete” button.
Three brothers went hunting in the woods. The first brother came back with a stag.
His brothers asked him, "How did you kill it?" He replied., "Well, I find stag tracks, I follow stag tracks, and BANG, I shoot stag!"
A few nights later, the second brother went hunting. He brought back a hare.
His brothers asked him, "How did you kill it?" He replied, "Well, I find hare tracks, I follow hare tracks, and BANG, I shoot hare!"
A few days later, the third brother, a blonde, went hunting. He came back with a broken arm, in a wheelchair, and bloody and bruised.
His brothers asked, "What happened to you?" He replied,
"Well, I find train tracks, I follow train tracks, and BANG, train hit me!"
One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John. “That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John. “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!” “Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
Son: "Dad I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married 25 years."
Dad: "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
Wife says to husband "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!
Husband: "OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."
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