Factory Joke Thread – June 2018

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

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Utah Crazy Law

Utah Crazy Law
It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.

Birds have the right of way on all highways.

It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
It is against the law to fish from horseback.

When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin.

A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.

You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.

It is illegal not to drink milk.

It is considered an offense to hunt whales.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words

Lazy

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces

For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Braille

" Do Not Touch" must be the scariest thing in Braille.

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Fear of falling

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Steve and the elephant

In 1988, Steve Jennings was on vacation in Kenya after graduating from Southeastern University. During a hike through the Outback, he came across a young elephant standing with one leg raised in the air as if it was in pain.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Steve approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Steve worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Steve stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Steve never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Steve was walking through the Atlanta Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Steve and his son Nicolas were standing. The large elephant stared at Steve, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1988, Steve couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Steve summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Steve’s legs and slammed his dumb ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Weekend

A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

Kid says, “$101,237.64.” Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”

Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”

Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

I rwesemble that story...

I think I know that guy, he taught me how to ride a bike...lol

Timantide wrote:

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Perfect Shot

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”

“Good lord!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”

Three sisters,

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Kindness to a Homeless Man

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

“I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS!? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied: "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man who's given up drinking, gambling and golf looks like."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An Irishman is talking with an American at a Music Festival

Irishman: I tell ya man it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is so goddamn overpriced.

American: I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out.

The American pulls out a pair of binoculars and un caps the lenses to reveal alcohol

American: These custom made binoculars are perfect for smuggling two cans worth of beer practically anywhere that prohibits bringing in your own alchohol

Irishman: Wow that's genius! Nobody would ever suspect someone to be smuggling alcohol through binoculars!

American: Yep, my buddy a few miles south from here makes these products for a living.

The American hands the Irishman a business card with an address. The next day at the music festival the Irishman returns to the American upset and empty handed on alcohol

American: What's wrong my friend?

Irishman: The binoculars didn't work, instead all they did was raise more attention to me.

American: But how?

Irishman: I don't know but the security people at the entrance said that "I looked suspicious with those binoculars," so they confiscated all 50 of my binoculars.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I usually

I usually wake up grumpy.

But today I let her sleep in.

Bad Puns

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me something smells.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.

Wild Ride

Today hasn't been a good day. I decided to go horse riding......something I haven't done in a good few years. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go.
I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop.
Thank goodness the manager at Walmart came out and unplugged the machine. He had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the Elephant.

Disease

Man: Doctor! All 5 of my sons want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

Hitchhiker

Picked up a hitchhiker today.

He said, "Thanks! But how do you know I’m not a serial killer though?"

I replied, " The chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical."

Hollywood Squares

Hollywood Squares
Q .. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q.. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Thanks....I had forgotten

Thanks....

I had forgotten how good the older generation of stars on Hollywood Squares were in there one liners!!!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Bet?

Mac and Jimmy were playing their home course. Mac putted out and walked back to the cart.
As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants. He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting. In a lot of pain, Mac desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.
The scene of a man kneeling next to his playing partner’s bare rear end was too much for the group playing behind the twosome.
The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question, “What was the bet?”

The Pope and the janitor.

One Pope, in the Dark Ages, decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome...
...The Jews did not want to leave, and so the Pope challenged them to a disputation to prove that they could remain. No one, however wanted the responsibility… until the synagogue janitor, Moishe, volunteered.

As there was nobody else who wanted to go, Moishe was given the task. But because he knew only Hebrew, a silent debate was agreed. The day of the debate came, and they went to St. Peter’s Square to sort out the decision. First the Pope waved his hand around his head. Moishe pointed firmly at the ground.

The Pope, in some surprise, held up three fingers. In response, Moishe gave him the middle finger.
The crowd started to complain, but the Pope thoughtfully waved them to be quiet. He took out a bottle of wine and a wafer, holding them up. Moishe took out an apple, and held it up.

The Pope, to the people’s surprise, said, “I concede. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
Later, the Pope was asked what the debate had meant. He explained, “First, I showed him the Heavens, to show that God is everywhere. He pointed at the ground to signify that God is right here with us. I showed him three fingers, for the Trinity. He reminded me that there is One God common to both our religions. I showed him wine and a wafer, for God’s forgiveness. With an apple, he showed me original sin. The man was a master of silent debate.”

In the Jewish corner, Moishe had the same question put to him, and answered, “It was all nonsense, really. First, he told me that this whole town would be free of Jews. I told him, Go to Hell! We’re staying right here! Then, he told me we had three days to get out. I told him just what I thought of that proposal.” An older woman asked, “But what about the part at the end?” “That?” said Moishe with a shrug, “Well, I saw him take out his lunch, so I took out mine.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Blonde Lines

A road construction manager needs to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired and are each assigned a section of the road.

The first day, the redhead paints 1.5 miles, the brunette 1, and the blonde 2.

On the second day, the redhead paints 2.5 miles, the brunette 2, and the blonde 1.

On the third day, the redhead paints 3.5 miles, the brunette 3, but the blonde only does 1/4 mile.

The manager decides to talk to the blonde. “You haven’t been painting as much road as you did on the first day,” the manager says. “What’s the problem?”

“I’d be painting more,” the blonde replies, “but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!

Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!

Three friends walk into a hotel room in Soviet Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

golf

Subject: FW: Game of Golf

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?

"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".

She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"I got married after college, my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

--
If only ..

Good thing her husband

Good thing her husband doesn't sleep face down...

Lumberjack

A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree.
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack laughed and said, “Then you will dialogue.”

Circus

A couple who worked in the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.
The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment
Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers were finally satisfied.
They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

Truth hurts!

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Let’s get out of here."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The blind date

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

blond joke

A Blond cop pulls over a speeding car with a blond driver.
Show me your driver’s license says the cop. The blond in the car searches in her purse and finally asked the cop what does my driver’s license look like?
The cop says is square and has you picture on it. The blond scrounges around in her purse finds her compact opens it and says I found it and hands the compact to the cop. The cop looks into the mirror and says why didn’t you tell me you were a cop?

--
garry

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

7 Iron

Jesus and Moses were playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hit his 6-iron and it landed perfectly on the green.
Jesus pulled out his 7-iron and began teeing it up when Moses stopped him.
“The 7 isn’t enough club. It’ll go in the water.”
Jesus replied, “If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it.”
He swung the 7-iron and, sure enough, it landed straight in the drink. He teed up a second ball and grabbed his 7-iron again.
Moses reminded him of his previous attempt and, again Jesus said, “If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it.”
Plop. Into the water, it went again.
He continued to try to hit the 7-iron over and over until he ran out of golf balls in his bag. At that point, Jesus began to walk out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls.
The foursome behind them approached the tee, spotted Jesus out on the lake and said to Moses, “Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
“No,” Moses responded. “He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”

Hollywood Squares

GeoC320--Thanks for the trip down memory lane. That was such a great old show and all those double entendre and innuendo jokes back in the day were hysterical.

7 Iron

First time I heard the 7Iron joke was about 1978. The punch line was Arnold Palmer back then. LOL

There was this tramp

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop.

"I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"

"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"

The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting.

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the gangplank.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is correct.

"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.

"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! The tramp had never in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this.

First they went doen through the first class level:

Oriental carpets - 6" pile.

A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall.

Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair.

24 ct gold trim everywhere.

Then the second class:

As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep.

and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class,

down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with, a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..."

"Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....

...and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"

"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ...."

He broke off.

"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.

"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man.

For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk.

"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."

"O.K." agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.

Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do."

And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.

And the tramp began to climb....

up and up ...

up and up ...

higher and higher ...

below him the ship grew smaller ...

up and up ...

on and on ...

past a solitary albatross ...

and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ...

still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink...

and higher, ever higher ...

on and on ....

higher, and higher, and on and on towards the diving board,

He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and then...

he jumped .

slowly at first

but speeding up

faster, and faster

and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,

the oceans and land masses grew clear,

faster, and faster...

past the albatross,

faster

double-back somersault,

and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL..........

SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping....

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.

HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT!

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen"

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on:

"But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:

"Well you see I'm a poor tramp so you must understand...

I've been through many a hardship in my life"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

jury-selection

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

ever wondered

If the two largest private package delivery companies were to merge would the resulting company be called Fed UPS or Up Sex?

--
"In order to be old and wise, one first must have been young and stupid."

I really love these..

I love all these jokes, They make me smile every time I read a new one, keep them coming!

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

Fed UPS

It gets my vote...lol

Box Car wrote:

If the two largest private package delivery companies were to merge would the resulting company be called Fed UPS or Up Sex?

Dr. Goldberg

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall. He was most embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just long enough to deliver his paper.

He ignored the thunderous applause and raced out the stage door, never to return to his home town again, until many years later, when his elderly mother was ill and he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Smith and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Smith?"

Dr. Goldberg replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Haven't you visited since?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return.”

Trying his best to console him, the desk clerk replied "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too.”

Dr. Goldberg replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident.”

The clerk asked, "Was it a long time ago?"

Dr. Goldberg replied, "Yes, many years.”

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Goldberg Fart?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

inquisitive plants

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

I Need a Raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes, and we’re glad to have you with us.

Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that these are rough times economically, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. I want to keep working here, but that needs to go both ways.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, which companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Short Groaners

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left". So they started crying and went home.

What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

The Pilot

A captain was flying over a mental hospital...

...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.

"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.

The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

If Noah built an Ark in 2018

And lo, in the year 2018, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.""Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark."Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.""I needed a building permit.""I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.""My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.""Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.""Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.""I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!""When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.""Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.""I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.""Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.""The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.""So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?""No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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