Factory Joke Thread – April 2014

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have." No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00 "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't!" "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

An old man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse he's been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Now, I didn't see that one coming!

What's the difference between BMWs and Porcupines?

Porcupines carry their pricks on the outside.

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Liverpool Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna to have to explain it five times."

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Good one.

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boddle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum...

cute

Those last two jokes were pretty good. LOL

The Seven Dwarfs are on a vacation in Europe and receive an audience with the Pope.
As the oldest, Dopey serves as spokesman for his mates.
Standing before the Pope, Dopey asks, "Your excellency, are there any dwarf
nuns in Vatican City?"
The Pope thinks for a moment and says, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns
in Vatican City."
This makes the other six dwarfs snicker.
Dopey then asks, "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
"No," the Pope responds. "There are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
Hearing this, the other six dwarfs fall to the floor, laughing and howling.
Dopey looks at the Pope and says, "Sir, are there any dwarf nuns in the
world?"
"No, my son," the Pope says. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the
world."
With this, the other six dwarfs began chanting, "Dopey made love to a
penguin! Dopey made love to a penguin!"

Good One!!!

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don’t know, five, six, maybe seven times. Just put me down for a five."

I was lost in Tampa searching for the hospital after getting a call that a friend had been admitted while on a night out. After attempting to communicate with a native in the hope of directions it became clear the accent barrier was simply to vast.

Slowly however we began to make some ground,

"Big important building.... lots of people in pajamas on medication". His wary nods became an understanding smile and I was directed immediately to Wal-mart.

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

I had to read this one twice, but then got it!

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Cute

Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass…..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, “You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic.”
Eino’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched……
There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanting: “You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a trout.

Well done,nice joke.

A Redneck passed away and left his entire Estate to his beloved widow . ....
But she can't touch it 'till she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say,
" I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies .........
"Go ahead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum ddrinking age for Rednecks to 32 ???
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck!!
(If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new Redneck law was just recently passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog'. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."
"I can," shouted a blonde. "Collieflower!"

A woman from Austin , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased several acres of Hill Country land, near Lake Travis , Texas. There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her !!
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall embedded several splinters of wood in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away. She told him she was an Environmentalist and Anti-hunter, and how she received all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help.
The impatient patient sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and said, "Well, I had to get permits from US Environmental Service, the Texas Parks and Wildlife, and Keep Texas Beautiful before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

"God Bless Texas !"

Airforce One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Obama strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that the passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama: “Mr President, please, accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”

Obama, always trying to be “presidential,” responds: “Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”

Moral of the story: "Silence is Golden"

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign posted on the glass door saying, "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." She said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a dip and chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like crap!" Then I would say, "It is crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

I was visiting my daughter last night when
I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on
newspapers. Here… use my iPad."

I can tell you this….. that frigging fly never knew what hit him...

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia.".

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,"he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already '"the startled husband asked.
Yes,"the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"And by the way,"the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"

After a long, hot day on the golf course my buddies & I stopped in at “Hooter's” for some Hot Wings.

After being there for a while one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them "the one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and I pee a lot.

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said, 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and scones flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
"Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

A wife says to her husband, "I don't like you pushing me around all the time and talking behind my back!"

The husband says, "Well honey what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"

Good one!

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday . I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ' I remembered where I left me hat .

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"

The guy on the street picks up an ear, "Is this it?"

"No," replies the construction worker, "mine had a pencil behind it."

Funny

Good One!!

I have high cholesterol !!!!!

I like this one!

Yeah, that's a real good one ...

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife "What would you do if I won the Lotto?" "I'd take my half and leave you" she says. "Great" he says. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch."

Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney???s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, ???May I help you????

The farmer said, ???Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.???

The attorney said, ???Well do you have any grounds????

The farmer said, ???Yea, I got about 140 acres.??? The attorney said, ???No, you don???t understand, do you have a case????

The farmer said, ???No, I don???t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.???

The attorney said, ???No you don???t understand, I mean do you have a grudge????

The farmer said, ???Yea I got a grudge, that???s where I park my John Deere.???

The attorney said, ???No sir, I mean do you have a suit????

The farmer said, ???Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.???

The exasperated attorney said, ???Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything????

The farmer said, ???No sir, we both get up about 4:30.???

Finally, the attorney says, ???Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE????

And the farmer says, ???Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.???

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
Both of her parents who are Socialist Labour were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow! what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.
"What do you mean?" she replied.
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party"
Her parents aren't speaking to me, anymore.