Factory Joke Thread – February 2014

Gotta love those grand-kids .

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,

What day is tomorrow?" .

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" .

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" .

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable."

Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas , he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.”

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy.”

In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia , Mississippi, and South Carolina he would be called"a deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas he's just "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."

Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?

It reads "Small medium at large."

It seems they always see their shadow.....

Ron

My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot!!" I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to

　　In the far reaches of Alaska there is a business where you go if you have trouble seeing. First the proprietor gives you an eye exam to see if you need glasses. If you do, he will grind the lenses and put them in a frame which you select, fit the glasses to you and again check your eyesight. It is a one stop eye glass service.
　　The proprietor is known, of course, as the optical Aleutian.

Seems legit!

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked

"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted??

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Four collage students were hung over and were late for the first exam of finals.

When they went to the professor they were sure they would get the riot act and probably not get to take the test

They told the professor they had a flat tire and to their surprise the professor was real nice and said if they were ready he would give them the test.

He had them sit down and gave each student a piece of blank paper. His instructions were simple each student was to answer one question.

"Which tire was flat"?

haha

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven...He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St.. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Lord, Give me a sense of humor. Give me the ability to appreciate a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks !

For Linguists and Educators
Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

nice

I'd just come out of the deli with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you
answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and
you're barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the
garage door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber
today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter..
10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided
that one had to let go, otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a
very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of
the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always
making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . ..

A man texted a message to his next-door neighbor:

"I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn auto correct. It was supposed to be 'wifi', not 'wife.'"

I am stealing this!

Good One!!!

It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lily pad, when all of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing hysterically. Soon the other frog joined in the laughter.

Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure (if it's possible for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten.

A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog.

The second frog explained: "Time's fun when your having flies."

The conversion of a "solution" by the students into a problem for the students.

Truckload of wigs stolen, Police are combing the area....

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere.  She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 I would not be alive today!
I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot.  It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and that bear caught him easily.  While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by simply walking away at a brisk pace.

I love that pistol…  I'll find other boyfriends. :rolleyes:

Just heard that in 2014 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it’s called alcohol.

My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years
Resolutions... That way I succeed at something!

My New Year's resolutions are:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.

One of my resolutions is to take more risks… I then had a quality street without looking at the flavor.

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Years resolution is 1080p

Good one!

Ron

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his Father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

The dad replied
"Did you also notice that they walked everywhere?"

FT. WORTH, TX—
Explaining that the costs of the service have grown too high in recent years, American Airlines announced Tuesday that it will no longer offer free cabin pressurization to passengers starting March 15. “Unfortunately, to stay competitive as a legacy carrier in today’s air travel market, it no longer makes economic sense for us to provide breathable air at altitude,” said American Airlines CEO Doug Parker, noting that despite the cutbacks, air pressurization would still be available to first- and business-class travelers as well as those willing to pay an additional fee. “While we regret any altitude sickness, blood problems, dimmed vision, or hyperventilation that may result from air pressure less than a third normal levels, we remind our customers that such effects will diminish as soon as the aircraft descends below 10,000 feet.” Parker added that the company is also planning to discontinue complimentary landing gear on flights under four hours.

Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?
A: The 'wave'.

Good stuff here as always. Keep them coming. LOL

A string walked into a bar, hopped on the bar stool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."
Disappointed, the string hopped down from the stool and went to the next bar. He hopped on the bar stool and said, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."
The string continued down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hopped on the bar stool and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender at every bar in turn said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."
Finally he got to the last bar in the area. He was tired, he was sweaty, all he wanted was a beer. He trudged inside, climbed on the bar stool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." This bartender, too, said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."
Tired and angry, the string walked outside to think. He was a hard-working string. He deserved a beer. Finally, he came up with an idea. He had a passerby tie him up into a bow and frazzle his ends. Then he went back into the bar, and climbed up on the bar stool. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" he said loudly.
The bartender looked him over critically, and finally yelled, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?"
The string replied coolly, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Older Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Older Man : "I don't really give a sh*t what you think."

I didn't see that coming!!! LOL

That is funny