Factory Joke Thread – November 2013

Funny... But so true!!

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table .

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom .

When he returned , however, his trousers are wet all over .

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know.
I had to go to the bathroom ; so , I took it out and started to pee , but then, I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back !'

Two Nazis walked into a BAR.

Did you hear about the blonde who got locked into the bathroom? She was in there so long she peed her pants.

Here are the five best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk at work: 5) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 4) "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to." 3) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time." 2) "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?" And the number one best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1) Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, amen."

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1friggingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1FRIGGINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FriggingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1FrigginggPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1FriggingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use

Good One!!!

None are right six plus six is twelve.

Sweet, spicy, dark in a mysterious way, a bit nutty,
utterly intoxicating, incredibly moist and typically
shared around the holidays.

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new, blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs, sunny side up; and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans.... and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

I LOVE THIS ONE...........

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE, THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba."

Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Dat ain't Bubba."

"How can you tell?" asked the mortician.

"Cause Bubba had two assholes," replied Billy-Joe. "Two assholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician.

"Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two @$$holes!"

Things like that happen, but I never had to go that far LOL

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he asks nervously.“No, silly,”she replies, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend, then?”he continues.“No, not at all,”she says, nibbling away at his ear.
“Is it your dad or your brother?”he inquires hoping to be reassured.“No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous,”she answers.
“Well, who is the hell is he then?”he demands.

“That’s me before the surgery!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman in the U.S. government," says the cowboy. "Wow, that's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

a mom and dad are having sex, really going at it. the young son walks in and see's them, he's horrified. the parents first reaction is to laugh. the son takes off and the mom says to the dad " honey go talk to him".. the dad goes to talk to his son but can't find him. he looks all over the house and still can't find him. the dad walks into the grandma's room looking for his son and walks in on the son on top of the grandma just going at it.. the son turns around and says "it's not so funny when it's your mom is it?"

[From the internet]

Answering machine message.

"Hi, Joe's answering machine is broken so this is his fridge speaking. Leave a message at the beep and I'll stick it to myself with one of those magnet things."

and insightful.

Good One!!!

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
- Scott Adams

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho.

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her: "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." He asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she said because she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Six." The judge said, "I hereby sentence you to six days in jail."
.
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. n The judge said, "Yes, what is it?" The husband said: "She also stole a can of peas."

Stuff To Ponder

•why does Quicksand works slowly.

•why are Boxing rings square.

•Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

•If you can make amends, can you just make one amend?

•If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but just one, what do you call it?

•Why do you recite at a play but you play at a recital?

•Why do we ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

•Why do feet smell and noses run?

•How can a SLIM CHANCE and a FAT CHANCE be the same, while a WISE MAN and a WISE GUY are opposites?

•Why is QUITE A FEW the same as QUITE A LOT?

•How does a building burn up as it burns down?

•Why do you fill out a form by filling it in?

•Why does your alarm go off by going on?

•How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

•If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?

•Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?

•Why does SOUR CREAM have an expiration date?

•What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

•Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients, but DISH WASHING LIQUID contains real lemons?

•How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it?

•Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it?

•Why do we wash BATH TOWELS - aren't we clean when we use them?

•Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?

•Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?

•Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

•Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

•What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

•If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

•If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

•Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

•What's another word for synonym?

•Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

•When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

•When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

•Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

•Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

•Why do they report power outages on TV?

•What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

•Is it possible to be totally partial?

•If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

•Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?

•Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

•If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

•If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

•Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

•Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

•If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

•If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

•Why is it that we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

•Where do homeless people have 90% of their accidents?

•If you drove your car at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would they work?

•If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

•Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

•If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

•What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

•How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

•Why isn't the word 'phonetic' spelled the way it sounds?

•You know that little indestructible black box on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of the same material?

•If a store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, why is there a lock on the door?

•When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

•What do you call a defective Milk Dud?

•If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

•Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

•Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

•If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

•What was the best thing before sliced bread?

•How come abbreviated is such a long word?

•If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

•Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

•Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

•Do fish get cramps after eating?

•Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?

•Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

•If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

•Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?

•What is the speed of dark?

•Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

•If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of ear-rings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

•What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

•After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

•Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

•How can there be self-help groups?

•Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

•Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

•If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

•Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

•If olive oil comes from olives where does baby oil come from?

•What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

•If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

•If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

•If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

•I found a book in the library with the title "How to Read a Book" if you can't read a book how can you read a book on how to read a book?

•Why do manufactures of ladders put stickers on the top step of ladders warning you not to step on that step? Wouldn't it be better if there was no step to step on.

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his
window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing inappropriate is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

I spotted a brass lamp while walking on the beach in Hawaii. I rubbed the lamp to better see the inscription. Smoke poured out and a Genie appeared. He granted me only one wish. I mentioned that I wanted to visit all the islands, but I am afraid of flying. I asked him to connect all the islands with bridges.
The Genie said that would ruin the allure of the islands and would be an environmental disaster as well. So pick another wish
OK. I want to be surrounded by young attractive women that think my bald head and beer gut are sexy.
The Genie thought a moment and said, “Do you want two lane or four lane bridges?”

It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lily pad, when all of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing hysterically. Soon the other frog joined in the laughter.

Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure (if it's possible for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten.

A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog.

The second frog explained: "Time's fun when your having flies."

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire. No further studies are expected

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comesout." "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.

"When you're seventy, you don'thave bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. "

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."