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Frequently Asked Questions
The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em and Hug’em.
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who’s in the will!
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had experienced a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his office and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later, the little old lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I'm here to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Q: You know why Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married. She didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
How much is the moon worth?
One dollar because it has four quarters.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"
"Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."
The football-playing turkey
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong message on the devil.
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
Apparently the toilets on display at Home Depot are not for actual use.
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
"Hurt me," said the masochist.
"No," replied the sadist.
The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, say what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."
Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."
The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."
Benjamin stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n...."
The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. Angelo, you're next."
Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you even-money odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."
A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said, “I want to be a movie star.”
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, “What’s your name?”
The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”
The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”
“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”
The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years…you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”
“So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.
FIVE YEARS LATER……The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Dick van Dyke
A geneticist was working late one night, secretly perfecting his greatest project: a perfect clone of himself; an utter copy with no noticeable differences in personality or appearance.
Having finished his work, the geneticist took off for Maui and sent his clone to work. Within days, reports came back from his friends in the know of bizarre behavior from his doppelganger. The duplicate had cussed out the boss and his receptionist, groped all members of the research team male and female, used the Xerox to copy his genitalia--sending the results to all the company's affiliates--and concluded all handshakes by forcibly pressing the other's hand against the general area of his nipple, then simulating canine-fashion copulation while saying "nice to -meat- ya!"
The geneticist was terrified, and took the next plane back to the States. He confronted the clone in their twentieth story office, and braving a three minute uninterrupted litany of expletives, pushed the unreasonable double out the window, where he fell to his death.
The police arrived, and once the situation was explained, the geneticist laughed, disbelieving any statute covered the destruction of one's genetic clone. After interviewing all concerned parties, the geneticist was arrested. The charge?
Making an obscene clone fall.
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”... the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”
The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise”.
(You’re going to love this, and you’re going to hate yourself for not guessing it!...)
“Ah! So sorry, “says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck.”
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
"To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
The Child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from?"
After thinking about it for a moment the mother says "Well dear.... mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room..they kiss, hug and have sex."
The child looks puzzled. The mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."
The child replies "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into yours and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
The Mother says, "Jewelry dear."
As you know I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I have not been in Continent, and I don’t remember what country it is in; it’s an age thing. They tell me it is very damp there most of the time.
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!" The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn't get hard?"
The Penis Study. The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
[from the internet that I liked]
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" "I found the remote," he mumbled.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Many of Us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Louie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ……….. He has a paper route."
During a November revival gathering an evangelist asked the people in line to submit a note about what they needed. One man's request was for help with his hearing.
When the evangelist got to him, he made a cross with his finger, dipped it in 'holy' water, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and then asked him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until this Thursday!"
I once was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I got turned around.
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your
call, you are one of the
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.
God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Billy Joe Bob and Bubba were walking down a country road when
they came upon a young woman with a flat tire on her bicycle.
Bubba stopped to help her and Billy Joe Bob continued on down the road.
Soon after, Bubba came riding up on the bike and Billy Joe Bob asked him
what had happened.
"Well," said Bubba, "I stopped and fixed the tire for that girl and after I did that,
she took off her panties, lay down in the grass and told me to take whatever
I chose the bicycle."
Billy Joe Bob said, "Well, Bubba, that was probably the right choice, cuz them
panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
I was in a Starbucks recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The place was packed but the music was really loud, so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me!--Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod...
This is what happens when old people start using technology.
Fred and Mabel were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they both walked beside the swimming pool, Mabel jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom.
Without a thought for his own safety, Fred jumped in after her, brought her to the surface, hauled her out, gave her CPR and saved her.
The next day happened to be Fred's annual review. He was brought before the hospital board, where the director told him, " Fred, I have some good news and some bad news: the good news is that in light of your heroic act yesterday we consider that you are sane and can be released from this institution back into society. The bad news is, I'm afraid, that Mabel, the patient you saved, shortly afterwards hung herself in the bathroom with the belt from her bathrobe. I'm sorry but she's dead."
"She didn't hang herself,"Fred replied, "I put her there to dry!"
During a college examination the professor spotted a student peeking at a classmate's answers. "How can you cheat so blatantly?" the professor shouted. "You have already stolen more than one look at your classmate's exam."
"Don't blame me, sir," replied the student. "If his handwriting weren't so bad, I could have gotten it all in one glance!"
this made my day
Your new car going over a cliff with a Congressman inside.
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then, just tell my wife!"
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late, and you're still not ready?"
Enjoyed the jokes.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked...
ARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station .
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks .
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
26. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Answer that one very quickly to determine your overall awareness: In proper English,
- does one say six plus six IS eleven; or
- does one say six plus six ARE eleven?
Wife is lying in bed when her husband comes in carrying a sheep under his arm.
Husband: "This is the pig I've been screwing when you have a headache"
Wife: "You idiot, that's not a pig"
Husband: "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."
[From the internet]
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber, “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take
the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers:
"What part did you get?"
Why the Services Can't Work Together
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
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