Factory Joke Thread - September 2012

I don't normally read the joke thread but decided to try it tonight. The first one I read I really liked.

LOL

I like to check out this thread occasionally (when I'm bored). I usually find one or two that give me a chuckle.

and it was deleted ? No profanity, not crude, maybe political. HMMMMMMMMMM

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill thebeans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain teaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.

Now that is funny!!! (but true)

Worth a repeat!

ML

And made some money out of it, picturing "old dudes" like Sly Stallone, Governator, and a few more !

Good One!!!

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

A priest was invited to attend a house party.

Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.

Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, He asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".

Morris
Returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours....

Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

My name is Ron..... Let me explain how I handle the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get back from the Golf Course just before she gets home from work. Although she knows I'm hungry, she always has to rest for half an
hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to wake me when the dinner is on the table.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we'd finished eating. Now, they sit on the table for several hours. I do what I can by diplomatically
reminding her that, "They won't clean themselves". I know she appreciates this, as it does motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she has gotten older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this, unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling.

Also, if I've had a day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate and can't lift
heavy stuff as good as men.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say it's difficult to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over 2 or even 3 days! That way she won't have to rush so much.

She even complains of having to carry heavy groceries from the supermarket. I have told her, if the shopping's heavy, make 2 trips.

I also remind her that missing lunch now and then wouldn't hurt her (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade, and one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible.

Guys, if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing this was well worth while.

Signed, Ron.

UPDATE:
Ron died suddenly last Thursday. He was found with a extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of the grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but an all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it, and died.

An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since
he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his
drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it
must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

1) One looks like they were in a hot shovel fight
and they didn't have a hot shovel!

2) One looks like someone put a fire out on their
face with an ice pick.

3) One looks like someone walked up one side of their
face with baseball cleats, sat on their head and
changed shoes, then walked down the other side of
their face with football cleats!

+2

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant, who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends, he decides he'd better get two loaves, as he's having company.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, One of the other male customers notice what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread too.

After many trips she is tired and irritated & begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

1 If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer
and you will forget about the toothache.

8 Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and
Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get
another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to
empty your bedpan.

--

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions

Officer What's 2 + 2

Blonde Ummm... 4!

Officer What's the square root of 100

Blonde Ummm... 10!

Officer Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln

Blonde Ummm... I dunno.

Officer Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!

really great jokes

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls
out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

+1

+2

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the "T" shirt that she normally slept in.

As he walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly,"You've got to make
love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "I am either still dreaming or This is going
to be my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,her "T" shirt still
around her neck. A little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.................
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always
remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man."

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up' "?

+11

A man kills a "deer" and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes.."

"The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's an a$$hole"

I'm laughing therefore I am.