Factory Joke Thread – September 2024

Throw in a Baby Ruth candy bar then point at it and ask who did that.

I know a guy who was jailed for driving through a Red Light and made a mess of the House.

A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?"

The man says," I'll have a pint," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well," says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink too." "The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.

A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half ... "But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.

This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.

"The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch ... but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven & twenty out of his pocket.

As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know ... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"

"Well," says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "what did you wish for?"

"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."

"That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"

As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there ... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?"

The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear".

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder".

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir"?

Always looking up at things.

Wow

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
Long
IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".

Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does About 90% Of The Work Around Here. He Makes About $10 Per Week, Pays His Own Room And Board, And I Buy Him A Bottle Of Bacardi Rum And A Dozen Budweisers Every Saturday Night So He Can Cope With Life. He Also Gets To Sleep With My Wife Occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: “That's The Guy I Want To Talk To - The Mentally Challenged One".

Boat Owner: “That Would Be Me. What Would You Like To Know”?

Good one !

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

4. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

5. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

7. There are two theories on arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

9. Don't squat with your spurs on.

10. It doesn’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. There are three kinds of people:
The ones who learn by reading;
The few who learn by observation;
The rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.

I was going to tell my autumn joke but you probably wouldn't fall for it

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!' She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I hope you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check'....

Good one

Good One

But it was pretty shallow.

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked. "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." The meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes." The man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely." The man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" The chief asked.

The weatherman replied. "The Indians are collecting firewood like never before!"

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.”

Paddy was driving in a dangerous manner, swerving across several lanes on the motorway. This was notice by Officer O’Malley, who after completing a vehicle stop, approached the car, and said, “What in heaven’s name are you doing?” Paddy replied, “This is my first time behind the wheel. I’m learning to drive.” “Saints preserve us! Without an instructor in the car?” Officer O’Malley exclaimed. “There’s nothing to worry about officer,” Paddy replied as presented the phone in his hand, “it’s an online course.”

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe: Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me."

With the presidential election coming up politics was in the news way more than usual. Little Johnny, having just watched the news with his dad and not knowing what politics is, decided to find out. “Dad, what is politics?”

Johnny’s dad, Brad, took a moment to think his responsive over and said, “Well, son, let me try and explain it this way.”
After a quick sip of beer, Brad launched into his explanation. “I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People.”
Brad paused for another sip of beer and continued, “The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

With his father’s words rummaging around in his head, Johnny went to bed. A few hours later, his baby brother, Kyle’s crying, woke him up.
When Kyle didn’t stop crying, Johnny hopped out of bed and went to the nursery. Kyle’s diaper was very soiled, so he decided to get some help.

In his parents' room, Johnny found his mom fast asleep and decided not to wake her, since his father appeared to be up already as he was not in bed.

While looking for his father, he passed the nanny’s room, heard some rustling and thought she might be awake. Her door was locked, so curiosity got the better of him. With his eye to the peephole, he understood why the door was locked as he saw his father in bed with the nanny.

Having forgotten about the whole diaper issue, Johnny went back to bed. The following morning at the breakfast table, Johnny said, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
Brad looked up from his newspaper and replied, "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

“Well,” Johnny replied as he dug a spoon into his cereal bowl. “While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep s**t."

I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

The day before his wedding this guy decides to play a game of baseball with his buddies. Playing shortstop he gets hit in the nads with a line drive. He goes to the doctor in a lot of pain, and the doctor tells him there is nothing he can do except wrap it up. So the doc takes a few tongue depressors and wraps it in a splint.

The next night on the honeymoon his lovely wife comes to him dressed in a nightgown. Taking down the top she shows him her breasts and proudly says "No man has ever touched these, I have saved them for just you for tonight."

Surprised, but not to be outdone, he pulls down his pants and says. "Look at this honey, it’s still in the crate."

Hop in

...and so ends another month of me not becoming unexpectedly rich.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10..00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $10000.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of Sh*t it takes all morning."

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!"

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

Wasn't making enough dough.