Factory Joke Thread – November 2022

The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.

You know you’re getting old when the rocking chair feels like a roller coaster.

Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

A little old lady.

A little old lady who?

I had no idea you could yodel.

Older people shouldn’t eat healthy food. They need all the preservatives they can get.

What is grandpa’s bedtime?

One hour after falling asleep on his rocking chair.

Good One!!

An Irishman walks into a bar in London, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

“You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it,” the bartender tells him, “and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I ‘ave two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m ‘ere in London. When we all left home, we promised we’d always drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for meself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and gives him his three pints.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them all together, one sip each.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife ‘ad us join that Baptist Church and I ‘ad to quit drinking. ‘asn’t affected me brothers though.”

John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.

This gave me and the wife a good chuckle.

…about the Irish drinking conditions. That was funny!

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

Funny

Great! ....... even the third time ......

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Acupuncture, a jab well done.

What’s the difference between a peeping tom and a pick pocket?

A pick pocket snatches watches and a peeping tom watches snatches.

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign hanging in the entrance, which says “FREE BEER FOR WHOEVER CAN PASS THE TEST!”

So, the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

The bartender replies, “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila – the whole thing at once – and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth… you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”

The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.”

But as time passes and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teqeelah?”

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with big slurps, tears streaming down his face.

Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “OK, now,” he groans, “where’z the bitch with the sore tooth?”

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

One minute you're young and fun. The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term !

My twin called me up from prison just last week....

"You know how we always finish each others sentences.....?"

Good One!!

I bought a boat because it was for sail.

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is

now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,

but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

--

The earth revolves around the sun!

Just wanted to clear that up because some people think it revolves around them.

Two 90-year-olds met at a “widow and widow” party at a retirement home. After spending some time together, they realized that they were fated to fall in love.
After some time, the elderly couple decided to get married.
On their honeymoon, they laid down next to each other.
The old man took the lady’s hand and held it tightly in his.
The old lady also took his hand and did the same.
Minutes later, they both fell asleep.
On the second night, the same thing occurred.
During their third night together, they once again laid down side by side. The old man took his wife’s hand once again and said to her, “Not tonight darling. I have a migraine.”

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of the senate and house of representatives.

It will be named "The Congressman", it doesn't work, and you can't fire it.

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

Go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning” is the human version of “Did you turn it off and turn it on again

Good One!!

I like

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

"Never trust atoms, they make up everything"

…about those kamikaze pilots. Why they did what they did.

Yes

One day I was walking when I saw a man on a motorcycle.
Suddenly a donkey came up kicked the man off the motorcycle, got on the motorcycle and then drove it away. And I thought to myself, “That’s badass“.

Matty’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

“Is this really a wanted person?” Matty asked, pointing at a picture.

“Yes,” answered the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

Then Matty said, “Well then, why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

In Moscow, a nun was standing on a corner waiting for a bus. A Russian soldier ran up to the nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”

The nun grudgingly agreed. A moment later two Russian military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun pointed, “He went that way."

After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would’ve seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine either.”

Probably because he's a criminal in California and they don't believe in keeping criminals behind bars here.

Good One

I always wondered why they wore helmets

Good One!!

A coop.

A COOP Awesome

If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2?