Factory Joke Thread – December 2021

1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time 2400 hrs – Weather Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

see Answers Below

Answers:
1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

submissons by: s.g.haw
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/christma...

Up to snow good

Yule be sorry.

Snow on and snow forth.

Love at frost sight.

I'm feelin' pine.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock.

What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

I was going to make a salt pun, but Na.

Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive.

It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Genie: "Make a wish"
Bob: "I wish I was rich"
Genie: "Your wish is granted"
Rich: "Thank you"

This Self-Test should take less than 15 seconds.

If you are male and over 60 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

⬇

⬇

⬇

⬇

⬇

Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?

The good news is:

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

You are a just normal

Almost 80 and still got all six wrong. Still normal LOL

Capital Letters? Who uses them anymore? ... A teacher’s explanation.

From a teacher -- short and to the point.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Are we clear?

My family needs prayers. We just found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than grandma.

A brunette goes to the doctor and says "Everywhere I touch it hurts".

He asks "What do you mean?"

So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said "Ouch!" Then her shoulder "Ouch!"

The doctor looks at her and asks "You're really blonde, aren't you?"

She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"

Doctor says "Well your finger is broken".

The Christmas alphabet has noel.

Have your elf a merry little Christmas.

I'm s-mitten.

I have the final sleigh.

Have a tree-mendous Christmas.

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

In a shoe repair store in Vancouver BC: "We will heel you; we will save your sole, we will even dye for you."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you’ve come to the right place."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

On another plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay."

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."

In the front yard of a funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

In a Chicago radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of a septic tank truck: "Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises."

is like a game of cards.

Starts with two hearts and a diamond.

Then you look for a club and a spade.

I received a request for a camouflage jacket. I went to six different stores, but didn't see one anywhere.

Why do Mummies like Xmas so much?

Because of all the wrapping.

What did one Xmas light say to another Xmas light?

You light me up.

Where does Santa keep all his money?

A Snow Bank.

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."

Good One!!

Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together. Now my body is falling apart!!
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what am I hereafter.

When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to downtown and pay the electric bill.

Instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.

I told my dad when I got home and he beat my butt.

The next morning, in the driveway sat a brand new truck!

We all held each other and cried, especially me, because it was the truck from the Electric Company there to turn off the lights.

My Dad beat my butt again!!

Your presents is requested.

Believe in your elf.

How rude-olf you.

I'm Claus-trophobic.

Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.

the other day how the Covid Pandemic and shipping problems have affected the music Industry. Otis Redding has 20,000 CD's Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay.

I was worried my mechanic would try to rip me off. Such a relief, he said I only needed blinker fluid.

So you're telling me...you drive a mile to the gym to walk a mile on a treadmill?

I've decided to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money. I estimate I'll be home around 10 PM this evening...

I don't want to say I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.

Bad Economy
So how bad is the economy really doing, you ask?

Women are having sex with their husbands/boyfriends because they can't afford batteries.

Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stri**er was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Because she was stuffed.

Went to the doctor because I was having memory problems.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner?

Because he thought he couldn’t use his hands.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between us, something smells!

One day in early September the chief of a Native American tribe was asked by his tribal elders if the winter of 2011/12 was going to be cold or mild. The chief asked his medicine man, but he too had lost touch with the reading signs from the natural world around the Great Lakes. In truth, neither of them had idea about how to predict the coming winter. However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord Michigan.Christmas Funny Stories and Jokes 'Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,' the meteorological officer told the chief. Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told the men to collect plenty of firewood. A fortnight later the chief called the Weather Service and asked for an update. 'Are you still forecasting a cold winter?' he asked. 'Yes, very cold', the weather officer told him. As a result of this brief conversation the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find. A month later the chief called the National Weather Service once more and asked about the coming winter. 'Yes,' he was told, 'it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied: 'Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.'

Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.' 'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.' 'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.' 'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum. 'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.' 'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey. It was the aeroplane ticket.' "Aeroplane ticket...." What did you need an airplane ticket for?' 'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.'

Good One!!

What is a flea’s favorite way to travel?
Itch hiking.

Which bird has the worst manners?
Mocking birds.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
Ten tickles.

Two goldfish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
The don’t meet the koalafications.

Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!

What do you call a bear with no ears?
A “B”!

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re always stuffed.

Good One

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned, who is willing to sell her husband's tools for cheap.

Maybe she should think about giving them away rather then selling them, that would hurt him more.

Invitation
The hostess (with a daughter of marriageable age - of long duration) sent out an invitation to an officer (who was supposed to be the prospective suitor of her daughter's hand).

"Mr. and Mrs. Dabney request the pleasure of Captain Black's company at dinner on the 16th of March."

She was somewhat dismayed to receive the enthusiastic reply:

"With the exception of four men on leave, and two sick, Captain Black's company accept with much pleasure your invitation to dinner on the 16th of March. There are 97 of us in my company."

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 90).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Don't mess with old people. They'll burn you every time.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner one day to grab some lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. Just as he was about to eat, three large hairy bikers walked in.

The first biker grabbed the trucker' cheeseburger and took a big bite from it. The second biker picked up the trucker's coffee and downed it in one gulp. The third biker ate the trucker's apple pie.

The truck driver didn't do anything or say a word as all this went on. When they finished, he just paid the waitress and left. The first biker said to the waitress, "He ain't much of a man, is he?". "He's not much of a driver either", replied the waitress. "He's just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorbikes".

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? I
t's Christmas, Eve!

What is Santa's favorite kind of candy?
Jolly ranchers.

What type of Christmas dessert shouldn't you trust? Mince spies.

What kind of fish do they have at the North Pole?
Jollyfish.

Which of Santa's reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?
Rude Olph.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

What did the English teacher call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

The dad said he’d make a deal with his son:

“You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

To this his father replied, “That may be true, but did you also notice that they walked everywhere they went?”

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell.
“Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” He said

The old man sighed and said:

“Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time..

And that’s when everything went crazy!

Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous!

And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?”

“So what did you do?” The Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn.

The old man continued,

“You don’t get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must’ve been. Too many phones these days, that’s what causes it.

I did the only think I could!

I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good!

The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal.

But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know they’re dead. Otherwise they’ll be back with others.”

“So you killed it?” The Devil asked. Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story.

The old man nodded,

“By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight.

It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”

“Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here.

The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialed a number.

“Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.”

The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued.

The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said,

“You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”

The old man nodded,

“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”

As she made love in the backseat of the rental automobile, the Italian girl exclaimed, “It’s a Hertz!”