Factory Joke Thread – December 2019

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

Christmas Travel

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." (pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/mistleto...

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

An atheist in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Boy: I know .

Girl: I love you.

Boy: I love you too.

After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.

Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?

Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart.

Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.

Dad : I'm just kidding, he's in the bathroom.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

I forgot to duck.

I once got hit in the head by a can of soda.

When I came to in the hospital, the doctor told me I was lucky it was a soft drink.

A frightened man goes to the

A frightened man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.

Q: Who is the leader of the

Q: Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?

A: Chairman Meow.

MAN VS MAN

Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

Science Jokes

Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!

Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

The name’s Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.

SO here it goes:: A priest and a rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? "

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

The rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, " Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

--
If only ..

It’s always in the last place you look, right?

Grandma Gilda’s first great-grandchild was born and after a few weeks, when the parents needed a break, she was given the job of watching her.

“Let me see the little cutie,” begged her friend Maxine, on a visit, as the two were having tea.

“Not yet,” Gilda responded.

When she again refused five minutes later, Maxine had had enough. “What are you waiting for?” she fumed.

“I’m waiting for her to cry,” Gilda said.

“Why is that?” questioned Maxine.

“Well, because I forgot where I put her!”

Holiday decorations

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my vodka, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, push the gun under the seat, all while trying to put my clothes back on. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

--
John from PA

bliss

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'

'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.

He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'

She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'

'I'm Just Kidding!'

(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

Need anything?

Wife: I'm heading to the store, do you want anything?

Husband: I want a sense of meaning and purpose in my life...I seek fulfillment and completeness within my soul...I want to connect to God and discover the spiritual side of me...

Wife: Be more specific, beer or vodka?

--
John from PA

Good one!

Good one!

--
Garmin Drive Smart 61 NA LMT-S

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony.

Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says “Have you read Marx”?

The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Wrong Prescription!

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Touche

Timantide wrote:

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

smile

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC...and God bless Donald Trump!

Excellent

almostbob wrote:

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? "

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

The rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, " Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

smile

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC...and God bless Donald Trump!

I am going to try this one next time she asks...lol

John from PA wrote:

Wife: I'm heading to the store, do you want anything?

Husband: I want a sense of meaning and purpose in my life...I seek fulfillment and completeness within my soul...I want to connect to God and discover the spiritual side of me...

Wife: Be more specific, beer or vodka?