Factory Joke Thread – December 2019

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

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Christmas Travel

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." (pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/mistleto...

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

An atheist in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Boy: I know .

Girl: I love you.

Boy: I love you too.

After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.

Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?

Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart.

Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.

Dad : I'm just kidding, he's in the bathroom.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

I forgot to duck.

I once got hit in the head by a can of soda.

When I came to in the hospital, the doctor told me I was lucky it was a soft drink.

A frightened man goes to the

A frightened man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.

Q: Who is the leader of the

Q: Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?

A: Chairman Meow.

MAN VS MAN

Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

Science Jokes

Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!

Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

The name’s Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.

SO here it goes:: A priest and a rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? "

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

The rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, " Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

--
If only ..

It’s always in the last place you look, right?

Grandma Gilda’s first great-grandchild was born and after a few weeks, when the parents needed a break, she was given the job of watching her.

“Let me see the little cutie,” begged her friend Maxine, on a visit, as the two were having tea.

“Not yet,” Gilda responded.

When she again refused five minutes later, Maxine had had enough. “What are you waiting for?” she fumed.

“I’m waiting for her to cry,” Gilda said.

“Why is that?” questioned Maxine.

“Well, because I forgot where I put her!”

Holiday decorations

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my vodka, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, push the gun under the seat, all while trying to put my clothes back on. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

--
John from PA

bliss

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'

'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.

He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'

She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'

'I'm Just Kidding!'

(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

Need anything?

Wife: I'm heading to the store, do you want anything?

Husband: I want a sense of meaning and purpose in my life...I seek fulfillment and completeness within my soul...I want to connect to God and discover the spiritual side of me...

Wife: Be more specific, beer or vodka?

--
John from PA

Good one!

Good one!

--
Garmin Drive Smart 61 NA LMT-S

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony.

Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says “Have you read Marx”?

The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Wrong Prescription!

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Touche

Timantide wrote:

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

smile

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC...and God bless Donald Trump!

Excellent

almostbob wrote:

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? "

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

The rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, " Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

smile

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC...and God bless Donald Trump!

I am going to try this one next time she asks...lol

John from PA wrote:

Wife: I'm heading to the store, do you want anything?

Husband: I want a sense of meaning and purpose in my life...I seek fulfillment and completeness within my soul...I want to connect to God and discover the spiritual side of me...

Wife: Be more specific, beer or vodka?

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?"

The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it.

Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven.

And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

should've been more careful

Yesterday I drank a shot of food coloring by accident.

I feel like I dyed a little inside.

Math Jokes

What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.

I got thrown out of math class for one too many infractions.

Mathematicians are sum worshippers.

I knew a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch.
He could binomial.

Did you now that mathematicians are always reluctant to cosine a loan?

Senior Citizen

Yesterday my wife suggested why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys of my own age.

I did this, and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a Parachute Club .

She said "Are you nuts? You're 60 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

The Water Trick

A man goes to the Doctor, worried about his wife’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

The man says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick”.

That's

Twisted , but good

2069 My brother took going to jail really badly.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Lol ha

Lol ha

Goodbye Grandpa

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime. She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa. He asks her - why did you say that? I don't know, I just felt like saying it. The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence. A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma. Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night. The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled. His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan. He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room.

"Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now"

Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims:

"Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!"

The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible.

"Really? Then how do you explain this?"

He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds.

"I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please."

And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar.

The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep.

Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing.

Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning.

"I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime."

"B-but how come they didn't take me?!"

"Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A woman was angry because...

Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction.

Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note.

He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door.

She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An idiot has a mirror in his closet.

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops

“Police! There’s a burglar in my closet, come quickly!” A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror.

He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can. “Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

What is the worst

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

-----------------------------------------------

A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”

The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”

-----------------------------------------------

A man well into his seventies asks his wife: "Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?"
-
"Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary, “our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!"

I must have a very scary snore ...

It always causes everyone to start screaming in the car I'm driving.

My wife complains that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my bags and right.

(Sorry for the bad pun)

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Christmas Shopping

A husband and wife are Christmas shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

Onions and Christmas Tree

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are thereThe father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people.

Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea).

However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home.

We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Great Jokes

Keep them coming!!!

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

Santa

How much does it cost Sana to park his sleigh?

Nothing. Its on the house.

I'm giving up drinking for a month.

That came out wrong.

I'm giving up, drinking for a month.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

shopping

We were shopping yesterday at a high-end store and my wife complained that the whole time she was in there, she was getting closely followed around by this big fat dark lady. I replied, "That's your shadow love....."

I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day...

The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.

I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Tried saying that...

The doctor says the broken nose will heal eventually.

geo334 wrote:

We were shopping yesterday at a high-end store and my wife complained that the whole time she was in there, she was getting closely followed around by this big fat dark lady. I replied, "That's your shadow love....."

New Year's Jokes

1. Why do birds fly south for New Year’s Eve?
It’s too far to walk.

2. What do snowmen like to do on New Year’s Eve?
Chill out.

3. Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer?
To start of the new year in a cool way.

4. What’s a cow’s favorite holiday?
Moo Year’s Eve.

5. What do you say to your friends on New Year’s Eve?
I haven’t seen you since last year.

6. Why do you need a jeweler on New Year’s Eve?
To ring in the new year.

7. Where can you go to practice Math on New Year’s Eve?
Times Square.

8. What does a ghost say on January 1st?
Happy Boo Year.

9. What did the farmer give his wife on New Year’s Eve?
Hogs and kisses
.
10. What did the cat say on New Year’s Eve?
Meow.

Groan....

Yet I read it twice...lol

LOL

Keep them coming

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater

A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.

The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps.

“It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice.

“$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.”

The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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