Factory Joke Thread – April 2019

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

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Easter Egg Joke

Q. How did the eggs leave the highway?
A. They went through the "Eggs-it".
Q. What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much?
A. He cracked up.
Q. Why wouldn't the egg take a hot bath?
A. He didn't want to be hard boiled.
Q. How did the egg roll across the road?
A. It just rolled, silly!
Q. How do eggs stay healthy?
A. They "Egg-cercize".
Q. What kind of plants do eggs keep?
A. Eggplants, silly!
Q. Why was the little girl sad after the race?
A. Because an egg beater!
Q. Why did the egg go to the baseball game?
A. For the egg-stra innings!
Q. What kind of jokes do eggs tell?
A. Egg yolks!
Q. What do you call an egg from outer space?
A. An "Egg-stra terrestial".
Q. What do you get if you cross an egg with a vacuum cleaner?
A. I have no idea, but I bet it's messy!
Q. Why did the egg cross the road?
A. Because he wasn't a chicken yet!
Q. What day does an egg hate the most?
A. Fry-days.
Q. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
A. Neither--the Easter Bunny!
Q. Why couldn't the eggs go out on a hot summer day
A. They were afraid they would fry!
Q. What did the egg say to the clown?
A. You crack me up!
Q. What part did the egg play in the movies?
A. He was an "Egg-stra".
Q. What do you call a sleeping egg?
A. Egg-zosted!
Q. What did the eggs do when the light turned green?
A. They egg-cellerated.
Q. What do you call an egg who is on the computer too much? A. An "Egg Head".
Q. Why didn't the egg play on the computer very much?
A. His brain would be fried.
Q. What sport are the eggs good at?
A. Running!
Q. What did the eggs do on the Internet?
A. They looked for a good egg-site!
Q. Why couldn't the egg family watch T.V.?
A. Because their cable was scrambled.
Q. What website do eggs go on to chat?
A. "eggs.com"
Q. Why was the father egg so strict?
A. He was hard-boiled.
Q. What did the mommy egg say to the baby egg?
A. You're "Egg-stra special".
Q. What's red, pink and blue with yellow all over?
A. An Easter egg rolling down the hill.
Q. Why won't eggs go out at night?
A. They don't want to get "beat up".
Q. Why did the egg go to school?
A. To get "Egg-u-cated".
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/easterjokes/eastereggjo...

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

This is your captain speaking!

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight.

So, sit back, relax, and... OH...MY GOD!"......

Silence followed..... complete silence.... Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Doctor Jokes

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

Sign at the Urologist's office: URINE good hands.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

Never ask a question, you don't want the answer to

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Tax return submitted by a New Jersey resident

The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to question 23: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", the man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians".

On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”

The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: "Who did I leave out?"

--
John from PA

The Millennials are now traveling unsupervised!!

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to siesta in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun"

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you all responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Bus Stop Blind Man

A New Yorker and his wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the 9 kids are able to fit on the bus. After hearing about the predicament, the blind man lets the children get on instead of him. The wife asks her husband to take their youngest in the baby carriage and walk home.

Since the blind man had been such a gentleman and let the family get on instead of him, the New Yorker decides that he’ll take a detour and walk the blind man home.

As the bus drove off, the two men started to walk while the baby slept.

After a while, the baby woke up from the sound of the blind man’s stick hitting the sidewalk, and started crying.

The father, already irritated from missing the bus, got even more frustrated.

He said, ”Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That sound is driving me crazy!”

The blind man replied, ”If you had put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus!”

What will their son be when he grows up?

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

“Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two blondes go on vacation and rent a boat.

Two blondes go on vacation and rent a boat for the day to go fishing. They lower the anchor and start fishing on the lake. After a really successful days' fishing, one blonde says "We should come back to this same place tomorrow," and so she takes out a marker and draws an "X" in the bottom of the boat. "This will help us find the location," she says.

The other blonde watches and then rolls her eyes. "You idiot!" says the second blonde. "How do you know we'll get the same boat!?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror...

(ahem!)

"He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..."

Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?"

After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Get Out

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out...
As he walked to the door she yelled: "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death!"

He turned around and said: "So, you want me to stay?"

Only the Irish have jokes like this

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little twit, O'Conner?," says Sean, "why he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

an announcement from the pilot

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Joe’s headache

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe is shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him £15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'

The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 would fit fine.

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years sir!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years sir.'

Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of a Headache.'

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here." He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it." His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is? She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house. The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him, "What are you doin?" His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?" His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Thought it sounded familiar

Timantide wrote:

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"

And the reason is because I had already posted this on the 3rd of April !
I'm glad you liked it !

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Darwin Awards

Here is the glorious WINNER:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, CA would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine. He submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a Chicago blizzard. He returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff those patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash and fled, leaving his $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.. $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. An Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided to throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. He heaved the block over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 6 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. So the robber ordered onion rings. The clerk said those weren't available on the breakfast menu. The robber, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. A man attempted to siphon gas from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose. He got more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gas, but he plugged his siphon hose into the sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

sorry for the repost

And the reason is because I had already posted this on the 3rd of April !
I'm glad you liked it ![/quote]

Sorry for the repost, I knew I read it someplace, forgot it was here,
But it was funny.
I guess this is what happens when you get old.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

sorry for the repost

And the reason is because I had already posted this on the 3rd of April !
I'm glad you liked it ![/quote]

Sorry for the repost, I knew I read it someplace, forgot it was here,
But it was funny.
I guess this is what happens when you get old.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A mother's driver license

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,

'How much do you weigh'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'that is a personal question and really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

--
John from PA

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’”

Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’

So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

The guy who gives out food

The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen asks: “Eat here or take away?” -

The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or something?”

“Well no, you see, I was just driving along, and I got cutoff by this BMW...”

“Okay yeah, so you are definitely wasting my time here. There is absolutely nothing even remotely suspicious about this, at all. I drive a marked squad car, that’s with the lights and everything, they just don’t care. I get cutoff by asshole beamer drivers every single day. I can’t even be bothered to pull them over, I would never get anything else done.”

“Yeah, I know, I wasn’t all that surprised either at first. I mean, I saw the BMW cruising up pretty fast in my side mirror so I was expecting it, and then the driver flipped on the turn signal, and...”

“On my way!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Navy Way

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'
Sending a written message, the captain replied:
'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'
Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'
'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

Class Question

A teacher asked her 6th grade class: “Who can tell me, which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it’s stimulated?”

Maria stood up, bright red and angry, and said “How can you ask such a question? I’m telling my parents and they’re going to get you fired!”

The teacher was shocked by the outburst, but decided to ignore it. She asked the class again, “Who can tell me, which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it’s stimulated?”

This time Thomas responded, “The answer is the iris in the human eye.”

“Very good, Thomas. Thank you,” replied the teacher who then turned her gaze on Maria.

“Maria, I need to tell you three things. First, you obviously have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear that one day you will be very, very disappointed.”

Two men golfing...

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”

He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.”

The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.”

He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”

The first guy says, “Small world.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

More Doctor Jokes

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.

A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

I don't think I'll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother's Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.

Doctor's office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby." The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

A big mistake

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

thanks

for the giggles

At the pub

When reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

nobody here but us chickens!

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Otherwise it would be a chicken sedan!

Best Toast of the Night

John hoisted his beer mug and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She asked "what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies at the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Yes he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come...!!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A highly suspicious couple are trying to have a baby

When the woman finally falls pregnant, they visit the doctor for some check ups. While there, the man asks the doctor how he can be sure that he’s the father. “We can do a DNA test.” The doctor replies.

“And how do I know I’m the mother?” The pregnant woman asks.

“We can do an IQ test for that.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Indians know the weather

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side,he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again."Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Police and the Pope

After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo – and he doesn’t travel light – the chauffeur notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the chauffeur, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the chauffeur.

“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the chauffeur gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried chauffeur, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

“Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the chauffeur.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.

The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”

“Bigger.”

“Governor?” The Chief asked.

“Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”

“I think it’s God!” the cop exclaimed.

“What makes you think that?”

“Well for one thing, he’s got the Pope as a chauffeur.”

Puns for higher IQ's

Accupuncture is a jab well done

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating - always use condiments

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under

Every calendar's days are numbered

A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Helpful Hint

Do you wWant to know the secret of making your spouse/partner
go Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm all night ?
Duct tape

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife set to fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Date: July 19, 2010

Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

weddings

I just went to a wedding for two antennae designers.

The reception was great!

Sam was at the bar

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late. So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "screw it I'll just crawl to the door, I'm sure the fresh air will help" so he did that, and once he got to the door he breathed in a lung full of fresh air and tried standing up, just to fall over once again! He kept trying, but everytime yielding the same results. So after a few tries he thought "God damn I'm drunk, I'll just crawl home, thank God I only live 2 houses from the pub" so he crawls to his home and tries to open the door quietly, and pulls himself up and tries walking in...THUD...he falls over again "screw it I'll just pull myself up the stairs and crawl in bed, I'm sure Jen is sleeping, I'll be fine" So after struggling and finally closing the front door, he does just that, pulls himself up the railing of the stairs, crawls to his bedroom, pulls himself into bed and passes out. The next day hes woken by his wife, asking if he enjoyed his night out at the pub. He asked her how she knew? "Well I got a call from Tom, the barkeep, this morning. He told me you left your wheelchair at the pub."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

During a parole hearing.

Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Prisoner: It's bec...

Officer: Yes?

Prisoner: I think i have...

Officer: Go on.

Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence!

Officer: Sure, Parole denied.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Too bad...

Too bad we don't have that "officer" here...

Timantide wrote:

Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Prisoner: It's bec...

Officer: Yes?

Prisoner: I think i have...

Officer: Go on.

Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence!

Officer: Sure, Parole denied.

Hearing Problem

A husband notices his wife's hearing is deteriorating so he goes to the doctor to talk about it.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”

“FOR THE FOURTH TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!"

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great... you'll be fine, trust me."

The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?"

"I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck..."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay."

Doc: "Do you stay up late?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall."

Doc: "Do you have sex often?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too."

Doc: "Do you smoke?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will."

Doc: "Do you drink?"

Man: "Yes..."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?"

Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Animal Jokes

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?

She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

Did Noah include termites on the ark?

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