Factory Joke Thread – October 2018

A man walks up to the blonde and says, "If I guess how many chickens are in your truck, can I have one?"

The blonde then says, "Shoot, if you guess how many chickens are in my truck, you can have both of them!"

...cluck!

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

not funny

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED!!”

Your dog thinks you leave him every morning to go play with other dogs all day.

"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party."

That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEK5cw_VzhY

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” demanded his wife.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

It didn't work...of course it was -40 with two feet of snow on the ground.

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . .

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minutes."

The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special perfumed aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for three minutes."

The Englishman said: "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
How do trees get online? – They just log in.

Why doesn’t the Sun go to college? – Because it has a million degrees.

What do you call someone that illegally transports cups? - A s-mug-gler

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

A little girl picks up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?” Daddy asks.

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But, honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh, yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Dad takes a second to process this, then speaks. “Uh, OK, then this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy!”

“And what happened, honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

A long, silent pause.

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? … Is this 486-5731?”

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

"We're going from car to car, collecting donations"

The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?"

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"

Good One!!!

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no,” said the old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to the golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off — kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

“So, now I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, really quietly with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘Okay, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'”

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “Alright. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well,” said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Cindy has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

A young guy from Iowa moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Iowa ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Iowa, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 X 4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"

that was funny

but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over. She sent a text to her husband. "Honey please don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you."

Paul, her husband replied, "Who is Priscilla?"

"Nobody, I was just making sure that you read my message."

Paul took a moment, then replied, "But I'm with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?"

Mary couldn't believe it, she had had suspicions for a while. "Where are you?"

"Near the vegetable market."

"Wait I'm coming there right now!" forgetting about smudging her manicured finger nails, and her friends coming over, Mary snatched the car keys and within 10 minutes she was at the market. "Where are you"? She texted her husband.

"I'm at the office. Now that you're in the market, buy whatever vegetables you need...”

How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.

"Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in one of the enclosures... Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.

What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!

What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer
& consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrel's & made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

You can't use "beafstew" as a password.
It's not strogonoff.

My doctor said at my age I should put a bar in the bathtub. I did and now I can drink while taking a bath.

National Dyslexic Association

Thanks! Never heard one before. I was raised Catholic. LOL

Good One!!!

Thanks!

CC

Two couples were enjoying a competitive best ball match — wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a drink.

On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking 15-foot putt to win the match. She lined the ball up carefully and confidently stroked the winning putt. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole dead on line.

Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, “Right train, wrong ticket.”

The wife failed to see the humor and, not cracking a smile, replied, “No sleeper cars on that train either.”

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks and raised his hands slowly.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

A man in bed with his wife slides his hand slowly across her shoulders… across her waist.. under her neck… below her neck… under her back & then suddenly stops.

The wife in a romantic voice asks ‘why did you stop?’

The man replies ‘got the remote, you can go back to sleep.’

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A 10, but also imaginary.

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

These are actual comments left on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

“A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
“Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”
“Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”
“Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”
“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
“The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
“A McDonald’s would be nice at the trail head.”
“The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”
“Too many rocks in the mountains.”

From RV Newsletter

By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned.

What's a potatoes favorite game?
Hash-Tag

What can make Honey and words?
A spelling bee

Where Do Cows write their Secrets?
In the dairy

What is thin, white, and Scary?
Homework

If a Snake had feet, What would you call them?
Snakers

Why did the Farmer yell at the grape?
Because it was being un-raisin-able

What did they call the girl born at the beach?
Sandy

Q. Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend? A. They’re both cauld ron

Hear about the restaurant called karma? There is no menu: You get what you deserve.

Why do ballerinas wear tutus? The one-ones are too small and the three-threes are too big.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."

No wait, she’s back

She just went to make a cup of coffee

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door, started pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

Probably not politically correct but good

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend.

When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed and let the old man through.

The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.

The official laughed and let him through.

When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.

Grandson: Who is that?

Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

Good One!!