Factory Joke Thread – July 2018

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

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EAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

A man asks a farmer, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. If my bull sees you, you’ll catch the 4:11 one.”

From RV Travel Newsletter

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johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Legal Definitions CAN hurt you...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia.

The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, "What for?"

The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."

The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

My Dog Sex

One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.

He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”

Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.”

He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”

“No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!”

He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”

When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding.

When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.

After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.

She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.”

I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”

The clerk said, “Me too!”

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”

One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.

I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!”

My case comes up next Tuesday.

Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.

I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”

He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog…”

The materialistic, lawyer

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice your left arm has been ripped off".

Upon heaering this the lawyers eyes shoot wide open as he jolts his head towards the left shoulder, only to find that his arm was indeed completely missing.

"Oh my god!", replied the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Science!

Heisenberg may have been here!

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

A wife complains to her husband, “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do the same?” The husband responds, “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”

From RV Travel Newsletter

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johnm405 660 & MSS&T

What is age?

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my sense of humor suggests I'm 12 whilst my body keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A strong desire to live for ever

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING???

THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING???
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING???

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "MT".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. LOL

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order:"abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

There, now you know everything!

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.

The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, an amazing night, Sir!”

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, It is the best, Sir!”

The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”

The Private simply said “Sir, Good trade Sir!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.

The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, an amazing night, Sir!”

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, It is the best, Sir!”

The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”

The Private simply said “Sir, Good trade Sir!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Just Groaners

Q. How much money does a pirate pay for corn?
A. A buccaneer.

Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

Q. Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
A. It had too many sleepless knights.

Q. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
A. Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

A woman gets cheated on by her husband...

Distraught, she decides to visit a wise old monk who lives alone up in the mountains.

After a few days of travelling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him and to take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I am so lost and I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?"

"Yes"- she answers.

"Do you want another one?"

"Sure, please".

The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and slowly comes to a realization. "It is in human nature to be greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. Nothing will be good enough, and nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not be disappointed by our very nature".

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat and you should eat less."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

nothing

Our local police station was just burglarized. Among the items stolen
were all the toilets! The police chief called a press conference and made the statement, "At the present time we have nothing to go on."

and

flounced wrote:

Our local police station was just burglarized. Among the items stolen
were all the toilets! The police chief called a press conference and made the statement, "At the present time we have nothing to go on."

The next morning after all the chairs went missing the Chief stated "We're not siting around on this."

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

crash

Box Car wrote:
flounced wrote:

Our local police station was just burglarized. Among the items stolen
were all the toilets! The police chief called a press conference and made the statement, "At the present time we have nothing to go on."

The next morning after all the chairs went missing the Chief stated "We're not siting around on this."

Shortly thereafter, a delivery van carrying wigs crashed into the front of the building. In an effort to determine why, police are combing the area.

--
-Quest, Nuvi 1390T

the crooks

ddeerrff wrote:
Box Car wrote:
flounced wrote:

Our local police station was just burglarized. Among the items stolen
were all the toilets! The police chief called a press conference and made the statement, "At the present time we have nothing to go on."

The next morning after all the chairs went missing the Chief stated "We're not siting around on this."

Shortly thereafter, a delivery van carrying wigs crashed into the front of the building. In an effort to determine why, police are combing the area.

Reports say that a giant and a midget were the perpetrators of the toilet theft. The police are looking high and low.

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

I Agree

It was a good one.

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Sick People

I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"

I said, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"--

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

A running joke...way too

A running joke...way too funny and ended way too soon.

LoL

Three brothers

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

We have a strange custom in our office, the food is named! Yesterday, for example, I got a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was “Michael.”

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johnm405 660 & MSS&T
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