Factory Joke Thread – July 2018

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

The teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer. One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo." "That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train." The next child raised her hand and said, "I had to have an operation on my tummy this summer." "I'm sorry to hear that," said the teacher, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say tummy, we say stomach." The third child stood up, feeling quite smart and grown-up, and said, "This summer we got to go to Disney World and I met Winnie the S**t!"

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

I was offered sex with a beautiful 21 year old girl today...
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

It was a beautiful summer Sunday in a small southern church, songs had been sung, and the preacher was about to begin his sermon. There was suddenly a loud boom of thunder, and in a bright flash and smell of burning brimstone, Satan appeared at the pulpit. It terrified the congregation, and they began flooding from every door and window. All except one old man on the second row. He sat quietly reading the church bulletin. Satan pondered, this man must be deaf and blind, or surely he would have departed in terror. Satan asks, "Can you see me?" " Yes, of course" replied the old man, still casually reading. "Do you know who I am?" asks Satan. "Certainly" said the man, not even bothering to look up. This angered Satan greatly. "Do you not realize that with the utterance of a single word, I can take your life and condemn you to an eternity in hell?" "Sure" replied old gentleman, now appearing to be a bit bored, but still not looking up from his reading. Satan, now bewildered, asks "If you know who I am, and what I can do to you, why are you not terrified like the rest?" For the first time the old man looked up at Satan and replied "Because I was married to your sister for fifty years, and I figured you were here to get away from her."

t the club’s annual board meeting, the president is just about to finish when one of the members stops him and says, “There is one more item to discuss — the exclusion of Mr. Petersen.”

“Why?” asks the president.

“Last week he punched our new treasurer in the bunker on the ninth hole,” the president is informed.

The new treasurer had ruffled many feathers at the club since taking over by tightening the budget to take away some of the perks that members had become comfortable with.

“So, we all would like to do that,” the president says. “It is not a reason for exclusion!”

“True,” the upset member said, “But he did not rake the bunker afterward.”

Good One!!

A friend of mine asked of it was true they were starting to bury politicians 15' deep? I said yes, deep down they are good people.

For some reason I am still laughing on the Winnie the S***t punch line...

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

“Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.”

Wife’s response: “Who is this Tina?”

Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.

With great reflexes comes great response ability.

A young Mexican named Jose wanted to see what the US was all about so he snuck across the border.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

I was telling a girl at a bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.

I can use this next time I know of someone who is planning on trying skydiving only once in their life. Maybe they'll get a discount on the no parachute option.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on". She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on". She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14. You are on 13". Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".

Reaching the Pearly Gates, he sees Saint Peter, who stops him immediately. Saint Peter then says :

"Hey you, where do you think you're going ?"

"Inside", says the guy.

"Inside?" The Saint wonders. "Let me check my books for a while."

So, a couple minutes pass and he finally founds him.

"Hmm, I see. It appears that you are an ok dude, average, never done anything super bad or anything really good. So, to let you inside our fine establishment, you're gonna have to tell me a really nice thing you did that I might not know."

The guy thinks for a moment and says :

"Ok there Saint Peter, I'll tell you a story then. I was walking down a dark alley, when all of a sudden I saw about fifteen punks trying to rape a poor girl. It was awful. I sprinted all the way, and grabbed they heaviest thing I could find. I went to their leader and BLAM, I opened his head with this huge rock I found. I took 2 steps back and shouted to the others "Come on, you bastards!!! You either let her go or I'll finish you!!" "

Saint Peter amazed, his mouth open, says :

"Holy shit dude! You managed to take the other 14 punks all by yourself? How did we miss that? When did it happen?

"Oh well. About 5 minutes ago."

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, "what would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.

What do you call a pizza place run by epileptic midgets?
Little seizures.

I was enjoying myself in the park today when a father and his young son walked by. "Daddy" said the son, "do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?" The dad looked at his boy and shaking his head said, "No son. Some begin with If I am elected."

Good One!!!

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs," Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes," Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I’m responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

Even though the others do all the work... The a*shole is usually in charge.

Excellent...you just described Government

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

“How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

The CEO said,”Wait right here.”

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room a voice said,

“Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”

A Jewish businessman decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

Did you hear about the math teacher who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

Joke of the Week
Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Okay, I’ll serve you a beer. Just don’t get any ideas.”

Worth Pondering
Bacon and eggs for breakfast – A day’s work for the chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig. Thanks, George B.!

Good One!!!

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, every time I swing my 7-iron, I pass this outrageous gas.”

He swings the iron in the doctor’s office and breaks a loud sound of wind. He swings the 8-iron and nothing. He swings the 6-iron and nothing.

He swings the 7-iron again and the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell.

The doctor says, “Hmm, interesting case,” and gets up and grabs a long pole laying against the wall.

“What are you going to do with that,” the fellow nervously asks, fearing the worst.

“I’m going to open the window and let some air into this room,” the doctor replies.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"

During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.

From Johnny Carson: “The bad news is that aliens have landed… the good news is that they pee gasoline.”

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress. One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shook her head no.

Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.

The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table.

His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, 'What's the WiFi password?'

Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'

Me: 'Okay, I'll have a beer.'

Bartender: 'We have Molson's Canadian on tap.'

Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'

Bartender: '$8.00.'

Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what's the WiFi password?'

Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst"; No spaces and all lowercase.'

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.

Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.

A guy walks into a bar looking real down in the dumps. The bartender notices this and asks the guy what is wrong.
"My wife told me if I ever come home drunk again, she was going to divorce me."
The bartender tells the guy he has nothing to worry about, it was probably just a threat.
The guy agrees with the bartender and proceeds to get drunk.
After more shots of rum and tequila than he can count, the man is sitting with his face down at the bar and pukes all over his shirt. after realizing what he had done, the man starts to panic. "What am I going to do? My wife is going to kick me out of the house and take everything I've got." The bartender calms him down and tells him to stick a $20 bill in his shirt pocket and tell his wife it was some other drunk who puked all over him and he gave him the twenty to cover the shirt.
After a couple cups of coffee the guy drives home to find his wife packing her bags.
He starts to explain what happened to his shirt and he pulls out two $20 bills to show his wife.
Wondering why the man gave her husband $40, the wife asks,
"What's the other $20 bill for?"
the husband replies, "he shit in my pants too."

due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked kathleen, a 5 year old girl to hold a flashlight high over mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby .. little connor was born. the paramedic lifted by his feet and spanked him on his bottom and he began crying. the paramedic then asked the wide eyed 5 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed . she quickley responded "he shouldnt have crawled in there in the first place" spank him again !

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this, if we don’t know the answer, we’ll give each other $5?”

The blonde woman shakes her head.

“How about you give me $5 if you don’t know the answer and I give you $500 if I don’t know the answer.”

The blonde woman shrugs, “Alright.”

“What countries neighbor Tajikistan?”

The woman gives him $5 and he laughs.

“What has 12 legs at birth but loses 1 every time it rains?”

The lawyer looks at her with a confused expression. He repeats the question to himself multiple times and starts to look it up on the internet. The woman goes back to reading while the lawyer reads every single website he could find. He spent hours searching and started calling friends and family members to see if they knew. Eventually, his flight arrived. The lawyer sighed in defeat and handed the woman $500. She smiled and took his money.

“So what’s the answer?”

She gave him $5.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."

"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"

"That's not how you spell manatee."

Good One!!

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. —Will Rogers

How apropos. Great one too!

This sign was hung over the bar in a fancy restaurant I used to eat in: I I T Y W Y B M A D

When someone would ask the barkeeper what it meant he would reply, "If I Tell You Will You Buy Me A Drink"?

If that person would say no then barkeeper would reply, "Don't Ask Me Because You'll Waste Your Time In Inquiring"!

Three guys were playing golf with the club pro. The first guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, “What did I do wrong?”

The pro says simply, “Loft.”

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, “What did I do wrong?”

Again, the pro says, “Loft.”

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, “What did I do wrong?”

Once more, the pro says, “Loft.”

As they’re walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up.

He says to the pro, “The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong, you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?”

The pro says, “It’s an acronym. L-O-F-T. Lack of f***ing talent.”