Factory Joke Thread – February 2018

 

Factory Joke Thread – January 2018

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

CDC Alert

CDC ALERT!

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.!
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Cardiologist and the Honda Mechanic.

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and
take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit
surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda .

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in,
and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and
I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the
mechanic....

"Try doing it with the engine running."

An American man is drinking in a pub in Ireland...

He stands up and says "If anyone here can drink 10 pints of guiness in 10 minutes I'll give him 100 dollars!"

No one answers him and one man walks out of the pub.

The American goes back to his drink and someone taps him on the shoulder 15 minutes later. It was the Irish man who had walked out earlier. "Does your bet still stand?" He asks.

The American says yes and gets him his pints. The Irishman then drinks all 10 in 10 minutes.

The American gives him his money, he says "That was amazing! But why did you leave earlier?"

The Irish man says "I went to the pub across the road to make sure I could do it first!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

It's going to be a cold winter

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

in a hurry

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said,
"I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure".
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said,
"Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied,
"Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing,
"Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD Great or What?

That’s one way to shut him up!

After a tiring day, Emily settled down in a seat on her train and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

“Hi sweetheart. It’s Gavin. I’m on the train.

“Yes, I know it’s the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting.

“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss.

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life.

“Yes, I promise, cross my heart.”

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When Emily, exasperated, had had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Gavin, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Red-faced and absolutely shocked, he shut off his phone and didn’t say a single word for the rest of the train ride.

Gavin doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer. And Emily finally got some well-deserved shut-eye

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Bully

Back when I was in school a bully always took my lunch money.
Today I saw him and he again took my lunch money. After that he handed me the hamburger, coke and fries.

Have you found Jesus?

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,

‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’

‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk,

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

‘Brother, have you found Jesus?’

The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again,

‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’

The drunk again answers, ‘No, I have not found Jesus.’

By this time the preacher is at his wits’ end so he Dunks the drunk in the water again, but this Time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher asks the drunk again,

‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man goes to visit a fortune teller.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face,then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question:
"Will I be found guilty?"

Unexpected confession

A teenage altar boy goes to confess his sins.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”

‘Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Fiona Mallory?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.”

“Yes, Father.”

Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads!”

Three explorers are captured

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe...A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian. They are all taken in front of the chief. The chief is furious that they trespassed on the scared ancestral burial land but says they would have one chance to redeem themselves. Next day at noon they are taken into a ravine. The chief points into the sky where an eagle is soaring in circles high above. The chief says, you must first take a shot of the fire water then take a bow and a single arrow. If you can shoot down the eagle, you’ll live....if not....etc...

So the Frenchman takes a fist crack at it, takes the shot, picks up the bow....shoots....misses. He’s taken away.

The Englishman is up next, he takes his time sipping the firewater, then slowly raises the bow into the air.....aims......aims.......and still missed the bird. He’s taken away.

The Russian drinks the shot....kind of liked it, then asks the chief if he could have more? Amused, the chief says....sure have as much as you want. The Russian ends up drinking all the firewater the tribe had. Finally he picks up the bow and takes a shot.....hitting the eagle right through the heart!

The entire tribe is standing there frozen in sheer bewilderment. How did you do that? They asked. So the Russian goes, every time I drank a few shots there were more and more of those stupid birds up there.....by the time I was done drinking there were so many I practically couldn’t miss!!!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Stay away from uncle Bob

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket..”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched..”

“Very good!” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was little Johnny's turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Uncle Bob who was a flight engineer in the war and him plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”

“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Uncle Bob drank the whisky on the way down to prepare himself; then he landed right in the middle of a 100 enemy soldiers.

He killed 70 of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then bit the last ten to death.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”

“Stay away from Uncle Bob when he’s drunk.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his spouse.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 8 p.m..”

His spouse glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

blond joke

A blond is sitting at a bar and a guy comes in and sets beside her. The evening news is just coming on TV and it shows a guy on top of a tall building threatening to jump.
The guy tells the blond I bet $10 he jumps the blond smiles and says I'll take that bet.
The guy jumps and the blond says "OMG he did it" The guy says I can't take your $10 I saw this on the earlier news.
The blond says, I saw it to I just can't believe he was stupid enough to do it again!

--
garry

Power outage

During a recent power outage my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPAD, and a new surround sound system were all shut down.

Also, my cell phone battery was dead.

To make matters worse it was raining and I couldn't play golf.

So I go to the kitchen to make coffee, OOPS, the coffee maker requires power, so I sit down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours.

You know, she seems like a very nice person.

Short Puns

Have you seen the pyramid schemes in Egypped.

I saw a guy hold up his little boy to shield his eyes from the brightness and I thought, I hope he doesn’t lose those songlasses.

Craigslist is a unique place where you can find a one-night stand or one nightstand.

People are willing to pose nude for artists they don’t even know – color me cautious, I think it seems sketchy.

Pizza chefs who have flour on their face at the end of a long shift call that a 5-o’clock shadough.

Fish

Today I learned that a school of piranhas can strip the flesh off of a child in less than a minute.

Unfortunately, it cost me my job at the aquarium.

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Calculating...

The average wing speed velocity of a fully laden swallow...

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Golfer?

Eric, the club’s worst golfer, was addressing his ball — feet apart, just so, eye on the ball, just so, a few practice waggles with the driver, just so, then swing.

He missed.

The procedure was repeated and repeated again. On the fourth swing, however, he did manage to connect with his ball and drove it five yards down the fairway. Looking up in exasperation, he saw a stranger in raggedy clothes who had stopped to watch him.

“Look here!” Eric shouted angrily. “Only golfers are allowed on this course!”

The stranger nodded, “I know it, mister,” he replied. “But I won’t say anything if you won’t either!”

What do you mean?

visiter555 wrote:

The average wing speed velocity of a fully laden swallow...

"An African or European swallow?"

~Angela

Hotel Front Desk

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry, sir, but that's a personal issue."

The man replies, "Listen, I can’t get the window open... and that's a maintenance issue."

While the pope was visiting the USA,

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back. They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?" The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?" The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?" The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!" The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Living in Baltimore

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Baltimore, when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear. "What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"
"No, I've been transferred to Baltimore. I've heard things are terrible there.
They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Baltimore all my life. It's not as bad as the media say.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school.
It's as safe a place as you want to make it."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking. He said, "Oh, thank you! I've been worried to death. But if you live there, and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of delaying the revolution. “ the second commiserated.

“Well I was on time to work and I was still sent here.” The third said.

“Why?” They ask.

“I was accused of owning a western watch!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into the sand pit. "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed again.

Again, Father Michael warned, "Do not utter such words Father Bob, lest god punishes you for it!"

Father Bob apologized again and they continued playing.

On his third swing, Father Bob hit his ball into the pond. "Damn it! That totally missed!" cursed Father Bob once again.

Before Father Michael could say anything, a ominous dark cloud suddenly gathered out of the blue sky and a vicious lightning came down and stroke Father Michael, killing him instantly.

Father Bob was completely stunned, before he could understand what was happening in front of him, he heard a thunderous deep voice coming from the sky - "Damn it! That totally missed!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

one thing

One thing about getting older - when your friends come over for your birthday party they can keep their hands warm from all the candles on the cake.

--
"In order to be old and wise, one first must have been young and stupid."

A Construction Worker

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey! Do you see my ear down there?"

The guy on the street picks up the ear and yells back, "Is this it?"

"No!" replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Short Puns

Did you know the guard at the Samsung store is a Guardian of the Galaxy?

What’s the worst thing about throwing a party on the moon? You have to planet.

Why can’t you have a good party on the moon? It has no atmosphere.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

There was an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris. De-Brie everywhere.

Not to brag

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I was there
It was the bathroom but still....

Cats & Dogs

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.

"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Olympics

I keep hearing about the times in the Olympics.
I can beat them without trying for I can finnish our sex act in record time.

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Two Priests Were Playing Golf...

Sort of like my game smile