Factory Joke Thread – August 2013

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.
Have fun....

~Angela

Frequently Asked Questions

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Falcon

Now that was funny. It made my whole day!
Thanks

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Falcon Nesting In A Tree

Now that one is good. laugh out loud smile

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Good one

Good one

--
Kingston, Tennessee

"My friend told me he was

"My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

good ?????????????

good ?????????????

--
nuvi 250 --> 1250T --> 265T Lost my 1250T

Acronyms

NERDS (NERDS Existing in a Recursively Defined System)

WYSIRN (What You See Is Really Neat)

Needed

Need a joke on pride, preferably clean and against it.

Not sure if this is what your looking for...

Metroparker wrote:

Need a joke on pride, preferably clean and against it.

A young woman confessed to her priest that she was guilty of the sin of pride: “I look in the mirror and think of myself as beautiful.” The priest said, "That's not a sin, that's a mistake."

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

One more.. Maybe?

Metroparker wrote:

Need a joke on pride, preferably clean and against it.

The following is supposedly a true story relating to a United States shipping company.

THE U.S. shipping company had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place.Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch.

He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon.It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints.

Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812.

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

Ok, Ok.. Last onne (I hope)

Metroparker wrote:

Need a joke on pride, preferably clean and against it.

Father's Pride

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: “I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.”

The second guy says: “Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third guy says: “Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend.”

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to rest room returned and asked: “What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said: “What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.”

The fourth man replied: “No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?”

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

Since I am at it....

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief but takes a loan form out of her drawer. "May I please have your name?"

The frog puffs himself up proudly. "Kermit Jagger, my dad is Mick Jagger and I'm a friend of the bank manager."

Pattie's eyes widen, but she continues filling in the application. "Mr. Jagger, you will need to secure the loan with some collateral."

"I have this," the frog says and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Pattie blinks at the elephant several times. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to consult with the manager on this." She takes the elephant and disappears into a back office.

Pattie walks up to the manager. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "What in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her with a straight face. "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

mother-in-law…

Mueller is travelling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honour his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Mueller is first.

“What do you wish for yourself?”

“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.”

“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”

Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mueller’s mother-in-law’s turn.

“What do you wish for yourself?”

“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.”

“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mueller himself.

“What do you wish for yourself?”

“I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfil them for me?”

“Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfil your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.”

“I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.”

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies,
“Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?”

“I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Walls

The visiting church school supervisor asks Little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies that he knows Little Johnny, as well as his whole family, very well and can vouch for him. If Little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: “I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations and fix the damned wall.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

twins

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
 
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
 
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"
 
Jim agrees.
 
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."
 
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
 
"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.
 
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too,
but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Hmmmm....

Timantide wrote:

When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”.

Some might say that joke stinks.

Not me!

Ron

---

"Perceive that which cannot be seen with the eye."
Miyamoto Musashi

THIS IS A ONE FRIGHTENING STATISTIC.

PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
That means 75% are running around untreated.

Blonde Cop Joke

That blond cope joke was a good one that I've never heard before. LOL Thanks!

Bad pirate joke

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head.

He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

"Arggggh..." says the pirate. "I've got a Bounty on me head!"

--
Jeff...... Nuvi 2460, Nuvi 2595

Now THAT was funny!

bobkz wrote:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief but takes a loan form out of her drawer. "May I please have your name?"

The frog puffs himself up proudly. "Kermit Jagger, my dad is Mick Jagger and I'm a friend of the bank manager."

Pattie's eyes widen, but she continues filling in the application. "Mr. Jagger, you will need to secure the loan with some collateral."

"I have this," the frog says and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Pattie blinks at the elephant several times. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to consult with the manager on this." She takes the elephant and disappears into a back office.

Pattie walks up to the manager. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "What in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her with a straight face. "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Now THAT was funny!

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

From The Internet

I liked this one from the internet:

A senior citizen was driving home on the freeway when his cellphone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

The Australian Trucker

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, 'Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man...

'Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes..

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big breasts and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

What's the best thing about

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus!

Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"

"For heavens sake, if you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made
you fart?"

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

Food survey

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

In the US they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

And Finally………………………

In Australia, they hung up, because they couldn’t understand the Indian accent.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Better than a flu shot…

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu ALL winter.’

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Better Than A Flu Shot…

smile

--
Nuvi 2460

At the welfare office

A tattooed young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi, You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well, You started it."

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

DID you know????

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on their air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

I can hear your groans from here.

Free Beer

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Granted Three Wishes

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

"Free Sex with Fill-Up."

A gas station owner in Georgia was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3�. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

An elderly woman...

An elderly woman was nervous about making her first flight in an airplane. So before take-off, she went to see the captain to discuss her fears.
"You will bring me down safely, won't you?" she anxiously inquired. "
Don't worry, madam," was his friendly reply. "I haven't left anyone up there yet."

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

You might be a redneck if...

You might be a redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

You're an expert on worm beds.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was
snubbed for best picture.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Bikers back down from your momma.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.

In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes, a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

I am

Quote:

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

Actually it is on my patio.

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

Windows vs. Ford

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Actually

I do press the Start button to turn my car off.

Funny!

Now THAT was funny!

RonJS wrote:

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

Music Puns

I didn’t want my kids to join band or orchestra, and risk being exposed to so much sax and violins.

It’ll just take a minuet.

It was an accident! I didn’t mean to harmony one!

This ring cymbalizes so much to me.

Are you calling me a lyre?

We’ve really got to guitar act together.

The Stupid Brother

A woman 7 months pregnant driving her car ,get hit by a truck passing a red light,when she wake up after 3 month of being in Coma, she remember that she was Pregnant and she starting screaming and panic several doctore and nurse they rush in into the room,she wants to know what happened to her twins baby.One Doctor assure her Mam your baby"s are just fine You had 2 wonderfull baby a Little girl and a boy. your brother come and got them and even names them too . So feeling a Big relieved that the her 2 baby are fine,she started wonder UHM my brother is so stupid I wonder what kind of stupid name he give them,so the woman ask the doctor,
Doctor what did he name my little girl
The Doctor.....DENISE

she is thinking nice name I like it very much.

what about the Boy.

DENEPHEW

that's really funny

that's really funny

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