Factory Joke Thread -November 2012

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Have fun....

~Angela

See also

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A trip to the doctor

A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "And.... does she still have the hiccups?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Wrong one

Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.

"Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

ugh! But got a chuckle!

HerbSch wrote:

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis , SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.

ugh! But got a chuckle!

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

Joke of the Year

Two women were sitting quietly together,Minding their own business.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint.. it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

General Custer

General Custer with the 7th Cavalry marched to the Little Big Horn.
He sent his scout ahead to see what was ahead.
He quickly returned and told Custer "We have good and bad news to report"
Custer was surprised and asked "What is the bad news"
One scout replied "We are all going to be killed and scalped by thousands of Indians"
"So what is the good news?" asked Custer.
"We will not have to cross Nebraska again" replied the scout.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving.

Don't forget to set your scales back 10 pounds back tonight.

The National Transportation Safety Board

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, SHIT!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Medical advise

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila.

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,

and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,

Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two crash-test dummies are

Two crash-test dummies are sat in a car. One says to the other "well, the sat-nav says we've arrived at our destination but where's the brick wall"?

At 85 years of age

At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged, husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night
together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes; the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well; Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again, he is ready for action. Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless
willing, Lou Anne consents to more conjugal bliss. When the love-birds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but Morris is back again, rapping on the door, as fresh as a 25-year old. Ready for more passion. Once again, they enjoy
one another.

But as Morris prepares to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

History lesson

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. New they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose – how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully.
The book appeared. It said that “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and his death came as a great shock.

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

I saw this Dutch dude

I saw this Dutch dude walking the other day looking lost, so I stopped and asked him if he needed directions?

He said no I've got 'sat-nav' built into my shoes!

I carried on and thought 'ruddy clever clogs'

Farm Kids In North Dakota

You can never underestimate the inventiveness of American Farm Boys:
At a high school in North Dakota, a group of male students played a prank. They let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4. School
Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are...
And you thought there was nothing to do in North Dakota!

Disco !

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon
walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

10" BIC

Two guys were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.

He replies "Yes I do" and hands the other an extremely long BIC lighter.

Surprised the guy asks "This has gotta be 10 inches long! Where the hell did you get it?"

The guy replies "Oh, I have a personal genie" as he pulls a little bottle out of his tackle box.

The first man asks "Can I make a wish?"

Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak very clearly `cause he is a little hard at hearing."

"OK, no problem" says the other. As he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.

The man says "I want a Million Bucks".

The genie says "OK" and goes back into the bottle.

10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head!

The guy says to the other "Your genie really sucks at hearing!"

The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

No profanity, please

A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No s#!+?'

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

D I V O R C E S E T T L E M E N T

Subject: D I V O R C E S E T T L E M E N T On the first day, he sadly packed his belongingsinto boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come andcollect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time attheirbeautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; heput on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, ajar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every roomanddeposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviarinto the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her newboyfriend,and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the housebegan to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, andairing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpetswere steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminatorswere brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two hadto move out for a few days, and in theend they even paid to replace the expensive woolcarpeting...Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to workin the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decidedthey had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cuttheir price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such astinkyhouse. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused toreturn their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had toborrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a newplace. Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going.She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely andsaid that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reducehis divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was,she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the househad been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers thatvery day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered thecompleted paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as theywatched the moving company pack everything to take to their newhome...and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods! I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

HAHA

That was great!!!

No Profanity, Please

laugh out loud laugh out loud laugh out loud

--
Nuvi 2460

School Kids

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Male Logic A wife asks her

Male Logic

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.

--
Jeff...... Nuvi 2460, Nuvi 2595

Jokes

You guys are too funny. A bunch of good ones!

A Romantic story

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Senior Joke

A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

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Nuvi2797LMT (2) Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

A German scientist from

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, 
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity 
read e-mails and/or posts with their hand on the mouse. 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

--
Jeff...... Nuvi 2460, Nuvi 2595

A guy at the bar.

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says,
menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man . . . and then my dog bit me." "So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!........But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

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GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD
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