Factory Joke Thread – March 2024

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight..

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.......
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said
"2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition......learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top
was open.

September
The capital of California is "C"......isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 9 11 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid
phone!!!

You can't take it with you especially when crossing a state line.

A woman is the only hunter to use herself for bait.

His secretary used to watch the clock... now he's got her watching the calendar.

Bartender: What's your pleasure?
Bar Doll: Making love but I guess I'll have a martini.

Guess that makes me a cereal killer.

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, "Close enough."

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed. We're having a meeting

"Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

Today's 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

"On time" is, when you get there.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent it to myself.
Sent from my iPhone

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So, the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk so everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to mate.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell them what was happening and to ask his advice.

Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance buy this cow in Sicily?

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily

"You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do?

You opt for "Medicare Plan G", little know plan available to seniors.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.

This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem.

Need glasses? That's great.

Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?

They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.

As an added bonus you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. Now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what?

Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your day!

If I shoot two useless politicians can I stay twice as long?

A Young Woman was preparing for her Wedding.
She asked her Mother to go out and buy a Nice, Long Black Negligee and carefully place it in her Suitcase so it would not Wrinkle.
Mum forgot her task, until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a Short Pink Nightee.
She bought it and quickly threw it into the Suitcase.
After the Wedding, the Bride and Groom enter their Hotel Room.
The Groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new Bride to change in the Bathroom and promise not to Peek while he got ready for Bed.
While she was in the Bathroom, she opened her Suitcase and saw the Negligee her Mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed, "Oh No, it's Short, Pink an Wrinkled"..
Then her Groom cried out,
" I thought I told you not to peek!

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill had been known to love them.)

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify.. I answered, "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

16. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

He was a cheetah.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem ― how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer replied "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot."

The old lady suggested "Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said "Let’s take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?”

The farmer said with some irritation "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?"

The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas . With his dummy on his knee, going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman at a corner table stands on her chair and
starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What
makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your
knee'.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."

An old man was driving his Lambo at 100 miles/hour when suddenly he saw the police chasing him. So, he starts speeding up, 140, then 150, then 180.

Suddenly he slows down and thinks: ‘I'm too old for this.’ He pulls over and waits for the police to catch up. The officer gets out of the car and as he's heading to the old man, he says:

"Sir, my shift is ending in 10 minutes. Today's Friday and I'm leaving this weekend with my family. If you give me a very good reason, but seriously, something I never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man looks at him, thinks very hard and says:

"Years ago, my wife ran away with a policeman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you're bringing her back."

"A good day to you sir." - said the policeman

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

First Question:

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

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Answer: if you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are in second place!

Try to do better next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, ok?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are?...

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Answer: if you answered that you are second to last, then... Wrong again.

Tell me sunshine, how can you overtake the last person?
You’re not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic!
Note: This must be done in your head only!
Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?

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Scroll down for the correct answer....

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Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100...
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe...

Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters:

1. Nana,
2. Nene,
3. Nini,
4. Nono, and???
- What is the name of the fifth daughter?

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Did you answer Nunu? No!... Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary!
Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round...
i.e. A final chance to Redeem yourself:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants?

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It's really very simple.
He opens his mouth and asks for them...

Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so, do not let them see your answers for this test!

My wife emailed this joke to some of hr friends. One of her friends thanked her for the useful info.

I found it rather pointless.

Awesome

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

https://i.postimg.cc/Z5m81pyC/gpstime.jpg

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.

The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?"

"Yes, it's at home," replies the man.

"To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.

Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter.

"Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier.

"Yes I do, it's at home," says the man.

"Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.

The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier.

He has a brown paper bag in his hand.

"Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here."

The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag.

"It is all soft and warm," she says.

"Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

A man goes to see the Rabbi "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

At first: Sorry for my horrible English
Grandpa is lying on his bed, tired and rigid, when he notices the smell of fresh baked cheesecake. He calls his grandson and asks him to get him a piece of this cake out of the kitchen. "Will do", the boy replied, went to his mother and returned instantly. "Where's my cake?", Grandpa asked. "No way", the boy replied, "Mother says the cake is to be eaten after the funeral"

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know
how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and
I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to
stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male
parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Jim asked his friend Tony whether he had bought his wife anything for Easter.

“Yes,” came the answer from Tony, “I’ve bought her a new belt and a matching bag.”

“That was very kind of you,” Jim added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.”

Tony smiled as he replied, “So do I – and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”

April fools!