Factory Joke Thread – October 2023

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with Orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”

Apparently, exercise helps you with decision making. It’s true! I went for a run this morning and decided I am never going to do it again.

You know the nice thing about Winter. Neither do I!

As Benjamin Franklin once pointed out, nothing is certain except death and taxes. And the fact that your skin is destined to lose its fight with gravity. You don’t have to like it, but at least you can laugh about it thanks to these silly old-people jokes that poke fun at the inevitable.

1. What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.

2. What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.

3. I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. They lived to a ripe old age.

4. What’s the best part of old age?
That it doesn’t last very long.

5. These are not gray hairs! They are wisdom highlights.

6. Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends.

7. Old age makes us great multitaskers. Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time!

8. One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends … because they can’t remember them!

9. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter.

10. Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.

11. Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.

12. How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.

13. Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck …

14. I’ve decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!

15. What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.

16. I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.

Psst! Even if you’re not a spring chicken, these spring jokes will get you giggling.

I'm afraid that it'll crack up.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat
minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs.

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me, why would I risk that again? I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me, and that is why I ended up in intensive care.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.

This is just so something my father in law would do and he'd manage to keep a straight face all the way through....I'd crack up laughing in the middle.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
Female.. Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a protective cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.. A device for changing from one TV channel to another
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

He's a shellebrity!

I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.

Later in life I became overweight, but I identify as skinny. I’m trans-slender.

It gets toad away.

An engineer, a mathematician and an accountant go on a work interview

First up is the engineer. The employer asks him what is 2+2 is?
The mathematician a little confused answer 4 of course.

The employer thanks him and calls in the mathematician.
Again, he asks what 2+2 is?
The engineer states somewhere between 3 and 5 depending on the tolerances.

The employer thanks him and calls in the accountant.
Again, he asks what 2+2 is?

The accountant looks around, stands up and closes the curtains before he bends down and whispers: What do you want it to be?

A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales. So he
put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck
pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told
him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get
his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were
close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for
another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex
this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied,
"No it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie....'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy.... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink..'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached

A fifth grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently. 'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here!'

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?”

The girl, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.”

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable."
Oscar Wilde

"The older we get; the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for."
Will Rogers

"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars –more and more repairs and replacements are necessary."
C.S. Lewis

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it."
Golda Meir

"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued."
Bill Dane

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. [Hmmm, current White House resident?]
Mark Twain

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself."
Tom Wilson

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."
Phyllis Diller

"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."
Rita Rudner

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do."
Phyllis Diller

"Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere."
George Burns

"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get backup"
John Wagner

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down."
Leo Rosenberg

“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.”
Kitty O’Neill Collins

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.”
Robert Orben

"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle."
Unknown

"At my age, flowers scare me."
George Burns

“I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed."
Unknown

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all."
Ann Landers

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist.
When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric.

Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile."
George Burns

"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past."
Robert Brault

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget."
Unknown

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."
Sir Norman Wisdom

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”
Andy Rooney

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.”
Larry Lorenzon

“The older I get, the better I used to be.”
Lee Trevino

"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead."
John Mendoza

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."
George Carlin

"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap."
Bob Hope

"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"
Barry Cryer

"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast."
Anonymous

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. Then, you only have to remember it.”
George Burns

“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.”
Maurice Chevalier

"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth."
Conan O’Brien

"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to."
Albert Einstein

"Grand children don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does."
J. Norman Collie

"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work."
Hy Gardner

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old."
Mark Twain

"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks."
Joel Plaskett

"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure."
Dennis Wolfberg

"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else."
Josh Billings

"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for."
Unknown

"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read."
George Burns

"The idea is to die young as late as possible."
Ashley Montagu

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns

"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit."
George Burns

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician."
Anonymous

It had me in tiers!

Put it on my bill.

A woman is sitting at her husband’s funeral. A man leans into her and asks, “Would you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead,” the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks,” the woman says, “that means a lot.”
…BOOM-TISH!…

I don't get it.

Phil

Another man comes up to the widow and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."

a large or excessive amount of (something).

…. And the widow said “that means a lot.”

What do you call a vicar on a motorcycle? Rev

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.” Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I ask.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies. I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your ass didn't it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

It got toad.

Their bats flew away.

An old near blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are near blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

“No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

SMART ASS ANSWER # 6

It was mealtime during an airline flight
The flight attendant asked passenger John, “Would you like dinner?”
"What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket. He opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

As the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window, the policeman got out of his vehicle and approached the kid, "I've been waiting for you all day. "The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could. ” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police vehicle comes up. The cop gets out of his car, walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness or a death in your immediate family. But that's it -- no other excuses whatsoever!"

The smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Because he was always spotted.

The sign in the door said "Gone chopin. Bach in a minuet."

Nice

Please, no selfies.

Please remain seated for the entire performance.