Factory Joke Thread – September 2023

Good one!

Another "...day" here in the hot north. lol

As Benjamin Franklin once pointed out, nothing is certain except death and taxes. And the fact that your skin is destined to lose its fight with gravity. You don’t have to like it, but at least you can laugh about it thanks to these silly old-people jokes that poke fun at the inevitable.

1. What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.

2. What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.

3. I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. They lived to a ripe old age.

4. What’s the best part of old age?
That it doesn’t last very long.

5. These are not gray hairs! They are wisdom highlights.

6. Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends.

7. Old age makes us great multitaskers. Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time!

8. One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends … because they can’t remember them!

9. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter.

10. Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.

11. Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.

12. How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.

13. Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck …

14. I’ve decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!

15. What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.

16. I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.

Psst! Even if you’re not a spring chicken, these spring jokes will get you giggling.

My wife was in our kitchen when she asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

Laid on the couch watching TV I shouted back , “NO.” ...She said, “How about now?”

I'm udderly ignorant.

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”

******

A prospective husband in a bookstore “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"

Salesgirl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

******

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

******

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!

******

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened!

******

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

******

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?

A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"

******

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law... Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

******

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means Is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

******

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!

Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.

Man, can I equate to that!

Phil

I found them to be Greece-ey.

1200 Miles ahead (with an old car). Fingers crossed!

What’s the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally.
The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

A First-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?”

Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!”

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Johnny: “9”.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Johnny: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade.

“The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Johnny, after a moment, “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Johnny: “Pants”

Teacher: “What starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?”
Johnny: “Fire truck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.

In Ancient Rome there were four types of poisons. Poisons I, II and III would all kill you but Poison IV would make you really itchy.

A lawyer dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He cries "This is so unfair! I'm only 38 years old! Why did you decide to take me so soon?"

St. Peter responds "We were under the impression you were much older. According to our records, you're 103 years old."

The lawyer screams "I'm right in front of you! Here I am! Look at me! I'm only 38! What on earth lead you to believe I was 103?"

St. Peter explains "We never could locate your birth records, so we calculated your age based on the number of hours you've billed your clients."

A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, “Uno, Dos.” Poof. He disappeared without a Tres!

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It’s a step by step guide.

97% of the people are stupid. Glad I’m in the other 5%

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. I guess the odds were against me.

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? For Hispanic attacks.

Just found out that a friend is going to prison for something he didn't do. He didn't wipe his fingerprints off the knife.

"When I'm bored, I never think 'I wish I was at work“

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day w/out sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to
pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by
those who got there 1st.

12. Give a man a fish & he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish &
he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
twelve (12) people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.