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Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Working people frequently ask us, as a retired couple, what we do to make our days interesting.
Well, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about five minutes.
When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on sir, how about giving a pensioner a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a fascist bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a total hillock. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. We continued to call him every name under the sun, and he just kept writing those tickets...
This went on for about 20 minutes, and then our bus arrived.
There's always something fun to do as a pensioner
A father on his way home from work suddenly remembered it was his daughter's birthday. So, he pulls into a shopping center, goes into a toy store and asks “Hi, how much do your Barbies dolls cost?"
The clerk answers "Which one would you like? We have Workout Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Veterinary Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”
The amazed Dad asks "What? Why is the divorced Barbie $265.95 when all the others are only $19.95?"
The clerk rolls her eyes, sighs and answers: "Sir, divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's truck, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends and a key chain made from Ken's testicles!"
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk front. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight, and it has to be in FIRST CLASS.”
The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention, please,” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.”
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “F*** you!”
Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”
They don't like fast food!
Stop looking at me, I'm changing!
The strawberry couldn't make it to the party at the in-laws.
It was stuck in a jam.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"Whats wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
40 FOR LYING
As A.J. and his platoon of recruits were marching, their sergeant slipped and tumbled down a ravine. The irate sergeant scrambled back up amid guffaws and barked, “Those who laughed, get down and give me 20!” A.J. and some others fell to the ground quickly and did their push-ups. Meanwhile, the sergeant glared at the others. “As for the rest of you, get down and give me 40 for lying!
Because, if you let go, she will start shopping. It looks romantic, but its actually economics.
2. I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that you went to high school together!
In the year 2021, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the boat inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my
back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded
a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would
hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency
ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew."
"The Immigration Dept. is checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" ;
"No," said the Lord.
"The Government beat me to it.
An old man is quietly sitting having a meal in a roadside diner when three leather-clad bikers enter.
The first biker walks up to the old man, put his cigarette out in his apple pie, and then walks off to sit down at a table in the corner of the diner.
The second biker clears his throat, walks up to the old man, drops a disgusting glob of spit into the man’s coffee, and then goes over to the corner to join his biker pal.
The third biker threateningly walks up to the old man, picks up his plate, throws it on the floor, and then walks over to the others with a grin.
Without saying a word, the old man gets up and leaves the diner.
“Hehe, that old geezer wasn’t much of a man,” says one of the bikers to the waitress.
The waitress then replies, “He’s also not much of a truck driver, seeing as how he backed over three motorcycles in the parking lot just now.”
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away. "Jonny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to." - the little
boy replied. "Of course you do." his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma's house and she
knows how to cook."
That was funny.
I just hope that it can be duplicated.
Ever wonder why sour cream has an expiration date?
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!!
Why are there no "B" batteries?
Once you understand why a pizza is made round,
Packed in a square box,
And served as a triangle,
You may be able to begin to understand women.
Everyone has a photographic memory , but some people don’t have film.
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
We often have Sour Cream that's past it's Best Before Date.
It's already gone bad.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
Also buttermilk and blue cheese.
Actually there are B batteries:
Damn...thats what I've been doing wrong....Romantic hand in hand walks here I come
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself, “That's the last thing I need."
I decided to quit my job and travel till I run out of money
I'll be back around 4 pm
For most people, when you lose your "khakis" you've lost your pants. When you're from Boston and lose your "khakis", you can't start your car.
A mandate isn't a law, it's when two men go to dinner.
Bull terrier: Hey good looking wanna have sex?
Shitzu: I would, but you're a Bull terrier and I'm a Shitzu and our puppy would be bullshit.
What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.
A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly
getting over it.
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
It turned into an all-knight party.
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
*I'll fetch my coat of arms*
The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.
My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K. No way I'm running that far.
Without freedom of speech, we would not know who the idiots are.
The economy is so bad that electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
Those who confuse burro and burrow don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
In grade school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?”
Alec raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.”
The teacher nodded and called on Penny.
Penny said, “I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette.”
The teacher smiled and then called on Jimmy.
Jimmy stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”
“Why is that, Jimmy?” the teacher asked.
He responded by saying, “Because my mom has two bags of it, and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”
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