This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
Please read the forum rules before posting.
"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
I didn't like the shifts.
A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot. She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language.”
The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home.
When she takes the towel off its cage, the parrot looks at her and says, “Awk. New madam. Hello madam.”
A few hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says, “Awk. New girls. Hello girls.”
A couple hours after that, the woman’s husband Phil comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says, “Awk. Hi Phil.”
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
My friend went to an elderly couples wedding at the weekend, it was a very emotional affair, even the wedding cake was in tiers
The Middle Ages were called the dark ages because there were to many Knights.
"I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
"My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."
"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"
"Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."
"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."
They didn't like his type.
Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman
were having coffee in St. Peters Square .
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room
people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room
people call him 'Your Holiness'.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was
sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies,
I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL
40" D Breasts
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS (scroll down)
When she walks into a room, people say,
"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "
"How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "
You follow the fresh prints."
"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?"
"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
'If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!'
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, 'You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.'
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, 'I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.'
The inventor of the USB stick has died, thanks for the memory.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.--"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me RELIGION.--"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.--"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC.--"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.--"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.--"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY.--"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.--"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.--"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA.--"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
My mother taught me about WEATHER.--"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.--"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.--"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.--"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY.--"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.--"Just wait until we get home.
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.--"You are going to get it when you get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.--"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me ESP.--"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR.--"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.--"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS.--"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.--"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM.--"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.--"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father”, answered the mother, “I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
“She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week’ The florist was
pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm
doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.’ The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
"Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.”
Oh so true...ha...ha!
All my life I've always wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific.
A Priest a Rabbit and a Minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The Rabbit replies, "I don't know, I'm only here because of Autocorrect"
I woke up this morning
determined to drink less,
eat right and exercise.…
But that was 4 hours
ago.… when I was younger
and full of hope.
For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give them "thumbs up" and tell them I "like" them. And it works just like Facebook. I already have 4 people following me: 2 police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
Do you feel uncomfortable driving into a cemetery as the GPS blurts out "You have reached your final destination."
…asked his wife, “Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls?” His wife replied, “No, not at all. Even dogs chase cars that they can’t drive.”
Good One!... I can relate...
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
While standing around on the airport tarmac a woman backed into a whirling airplane propeller. Disassher!!!
"What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" "
"Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "
"Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet."
"What did the ocean say to the beach?"
"Nothing, it just waved."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?"
"Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles. (can I say that, here?)
Something she just loved to do.
As he was quite enjoying the touch and attention, he turned and asked,"why do you love doing this so much?"
"Because", she replied,"I really miss mine."
What did one DNA strand ask the other DNA strand?
Do these Genes look OK
The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer. )
They were M&M's!!! - (get your bloody mind out of the gutter!! )
Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
“I was trying to keep up with traffic”
"But there is no traffic”
“That’s how far behind I am”
Decaf is like a gun with no bullets
As coffee is used to fuel many a day, I refer to it as either Leaded or Unleaded.
My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
"What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?"
"What kind of car does an egg drive?" "
"Dad, can you put the cat out?"
"I didn't know it was on fire."
"How do you make 7 even?"
"Take away the s."
"How does a taco say grace?"
"What time did the man go to the dentist?
Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal." Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the roads...
I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
....as old people.
Got an LOL from me. None others did.
Get a job in customer service.
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