This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
Please read the forum rules before posting.
"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one!
Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.
I am a Seenager (Senior teenager).
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 55-60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant,
they aren't scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?
And I don't have acne.
Life is Good!
Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.
Brains of older people are slow
because they know so much.
People do not decline mentally with age;
it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information
in their brains.
Scientists believe this also makes you
hard of hearing as it puts pressure
on your inner ear.
Older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there,
they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem;
it is nature's way of making older
people do more exercise.
I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.” —Jeannie Gibbs
Football fans will know the greatest ball carrier of all time, a Frenchman by the name of Jacque Strapp.
I HAD THE LORD RIDING WITH ME
Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."
I worked at a boarding kennel where people leave their dogs and cats while on vacation. One morning I had taken a cat out of his cage, and after playing with him and replenishing his food and water, I put him back in. A few minutes later, I was surprised to see the feline at my feet, since the cage doors lock automatically when they’re shut. I couldn’t figure out how the cat escaped, until I bent down to pick him up and spied his nametag: “Houdini.”
From Jokes & Puns
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him,
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it but it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all used to drink together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.
He orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"
A blonde woman drives a car and hits a cop. She stops and checks if he's still alive, no vital signs. Panicked, she calls the emergency service.
W: Hello, is this 911?
D: Yes, this is 911, what's your emergency?
W: You're now 910.
The Dr. Visit
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for ?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......
Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT "
"Don't go bacon your heart"
"I wish you didn't fry."
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!
A cruise ship ran aground on a desert island.
After several months the French had a new fashion boutiqe
The Italians had opened a restaurant
The Scots had set up a bank
The Germans had people marching around drinking beer
The English were still waiting-to be introduced.
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
Then Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches > infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
The less you know, the more you make. Thus, the executives and sales people always make more money than the engineers and scientists.
Three old Catholic priests got together one evening to discuss their lives.
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems – I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”
The others nodded in agreement. Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?”
The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…”
The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest.
The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine – I’m a lecherous womanizer! There’s not a woman between 15 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!”
The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest.
The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin.
After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay then. My brothers, I am a notorious tattletale – I can never seem to keep my mouth shut…”
... Woops! They should have let him go first!
"What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?" "Prime mates."
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild..
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.A week later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?""Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?""Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items,she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and quietly left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
(But the older lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left).
Do you know why we always tell actors to “ break a leg”
It’s because every play has to have a cast
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."
Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 hilarious replies.
If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. (My personal favourite!)
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Take a package of drumsticks up to a young cashier and ask, "Are these front or back legs?"
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.”
Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while
I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Working at an unemployment office has to be one of the most stressful jobs you can have; constantly living in fear that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
Someone had to remind me: Don't laugh....it is all true...
Perks of being over 70 and heading towards 80!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
I drank a bottle of food coloring last night.
I feel like I dyed a little inside.
Can February March?
No, but April May!
A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks - "Did you see my face?"
The hostage replies, "Yes."
The robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head.
He turns to the next hostage. "And, did you see my face?"
"No, but my wife caught a glimpse!"
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that have been an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, “Sag Harbor”
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it's your birthday, your life sucks.
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners.
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafhalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn when you discover half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path".
"Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together!
It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both".
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
One day, a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great" he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey" he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us" they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well" one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them".
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well". The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.
"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't".
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here".
"I do" our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab - I'm dying for a smoke".
Why did the vampires cancel their baseball game?Because they couldn’t find their bats.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Who did Frankenstein take to the party?
His ghoul friend.
How do you mend a broken jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.
What’s a ghost’s favorite party game?
Hide and go shriek!
What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes... can't see well these days."
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine Doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
If you can't think of a word say, "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.
I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.
My goal for 2021 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It's weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.
It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember...Don't sing!
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.
You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.
Next it was Dave's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The wife and I went to a new restaurant that serves the meat of exotic animals and birds.
We both ordered pelican and it was absolutely fantastic...
but the bill was enormous.
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Canadian Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision
Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. Divert your course NOW.
Canadians: Sorry. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Canadian Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Molly, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night”
She said, “Oh, that’s great! And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Molly said.
The next day, Molly ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Molly.”
She nodded and said, “Yes, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears just to make him come.”
What did the chicken say when it saw lettuce?
"Chicken sees a salad"
The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire. 'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilizers and pesticides and none of us realizes the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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