Factory Joke Thread – May 2020

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."

Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral castle with Covid-19.
Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor castle with Jennifer 14

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

Do y‌‌ou e‌‌ver w‌‌ake u‌‌p, k‌‌iss t‌‌he p‌‌erson s‌‌leeping b‌‌eside y‌‌ou a‌‌nd f‌‌eel g‌‌lad t‌‌hat y‌‌ou're a‌‌live?

I j‌‌ust d‌‌id a‌‌nd a‌‌pparently w‌‌ill n‌‌ot b‌‌e a‌‌llowed o‌‌n t‌‌his a‌‌irline a‌‌gain.

Well played.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ..............

'Please Sir.. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia.

The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

The low brass section decides to grab drinks during a performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony

The tubas and trombones only play during the end of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During the first several movements they have a famously long period of rest.

One performance, the low brass decide to sneak out to a local bar and grab a few drinks during the beginning of the piece. They quietly duck out of the rear section of the theater, walk a couple blocks, and sit down for drinks.

After a couple rounds, having lost track of the time, the section leader glances at his watch and exclaims "we're running late, our entrance is in just 1 minute!"

A trombone player tells the group that he bought them some extra time by tying the last few pages of the conductor's score together. When he comes up on the finale he will have to slow the orchestra down to allow himself time to untie his music - thus buying the low brass enough time to get back in their seats.

They stumble back in their seats right before their entrance, but the conductor was furious...

it was the bottom of the 9th, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

If a politician says something in the forest and there is no one there to hear him is it still a lie.

Since this virus stay at home thing happened, I have become morning person. That mean.s morning starts at noon

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it. —Thanks to Pete D.!

The other advantage is the sun is already across the yardarm,

Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil.

Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may".

Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.

6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8 ,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

Accordion to a recent survey…
Replacing words in a sentence with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.

How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you.

I went to the doctors and told him I was having problems with my hearing.
He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said, “They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

Did you know Santa actually only had two reindeer?
Rudolph and Olive, the other reindeer.

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
But the invention of the broom swept the nation.

“Hello everyone, and welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.”
“I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I’m pretty disappointed.”

Why did I want to become an editor?
Well, to make a long story short …

Why do cell phones not wear glasses?
Because they have contacts.

What did the assassin do when he was hungry?
The assassinate.

What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.

I was in a bar last night.
The bartender said, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.
Guard: I’m not mad, just… disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

Surgeon General now requires a warning message on sweet corn, Use may lead to flossing

I wasn't ill or anything. She just wanted me to get better.

Funny!

I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received from the staff in the last 10 years.

This is like being 16 again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded. Geez.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.

“Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods…

“I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

We are now learning everyone’s real hair color.

I had to reread several of them...especially the "Santa only had two reindeer"

I still haven't gotten this one. A little help here, please.

Phil

Olive is a dog who helps Santa out one year. She is listening to the song 'Rudolph the red nosed reindeer and realizes it says 'Olive the other reindeer'.

The line in the song is "Rudolph and ALL of the other reindeer"
not olive the other reindeer.

Thank you, now I get it. The magic word was "all." Sometimes you need to speak very slowly to me.

Phil

"If you think you're too small to make a difference, sleep with a mosquito."

Running nude

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror , she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway .
' Oh my God – Hurry ! Grab your clothes and jump out the window , my husband's home early!'
' I can't jump out the window , it's raining out there !'

' If my husband catches us in here , he'll kill us both !' she replied , ' he's got a hot temper and a gun , so the rain is the least of your problems !'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed , grabs his clothes and jumps out the window, as he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
‘Do you always run in the nude ?' one asked .
' Oh yes !' he replied, gasping in air ' it feels so wonderfully free !'
Another runner moved a long side ' Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm ?'
' Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly, ' that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home !'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ' Do you always wear a condom when you run ?'

' Nope..just when it's raining .'

Q: Is Google a he or a she?

A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

Needless to say, I lost my case.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified,well-dressed, good-looking man in his early fifties. May I help you sir?' she asked. I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam. No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie,and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'. The man replied, “Ontario”. Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario. 'I know.' the man said.' Your sister has died, and I am her attorney. From her deathbed she asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain…

1. Death 2. Taxes and 3. Being screwed by a lawyer

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, now when I pee I clean the toilet.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work........

What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off a cliff? "Look, mother, no Hans!"

Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters dolls? It was a Barbie-Q.

What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis

My sister hates it when I invade her privacy. It's written clearly right here in her diary.

Let's play Cinderella, you can be the ugly step sister.

LOL

Very Funny
So sad but true, this can be true of most government officials around the world except for the statement for the last line of:
"And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work".

Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked him, “What are you doing?”
He said, “Working from home.”

- If you thought toilet paper buying was crazy, just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment at the same time.

- All I can think about now when I’m watching any TV show or movie is how everyone is standing WAY too close together.

- I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe!

- The Department of Health is looking to hire couples married seven years or more to educate people on social distancing.

- Quarantine Day 56. I’ve started taking calls from telemarketers. Some of them are actually quite nice. Jamar from Superior Life Insurance has a new baby.

- Grocery shopping has become a real life version of Pac-Man. Avoid everyone, get the fruit, and take any route possible to avoid conflict.

- So we don’t go to restaurants, kids aren’t signed up for anything, and we just stayed home for Spring Break? Sounds like my childhood.

‌‌I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌. ‌‌I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I can’‌‌t driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus

But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.

WIFE : “What would U do if I died? Would U get married again?”
HUSBAND : “Definitely not!”
WIFE : “Why not? Don’t U like being married?”
HUSB : “Of course I do.”
WIFE : “Then why wouldn’t U remarry?”
HUSB : “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE : “U would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBmakes audible groan)
WIFE : “Would U live in our house?”
HUSB : “Sure, it’s a great house”
WIFE : “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSB : “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE : “Would U let her drive my car?”
HUSB :”Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE : “Would U replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSB : “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE : “Would U give her my jewellery?”
HUSB : “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE : “Would she wear my shoes?”
HUSB : “No, she’s size 5.”
WIFE : — silence —
HUSB : “s**t”...

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
_

My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine. It’s called, “Why Are You Doing It That Way?” There are no winners.

When we come out of this and I ask you where you want to eat, I do NOT want to hear, “I don’t know.” YOU HAD 56 DAYS TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

It’s been a blessing being home with the wife for three weeks now. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong for 15 years.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Good One!!!