Factory Joke Thread – May 2020

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

Page 1>>

Leave here with a laugh

Leave here with a laugh
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch, they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire and couldn’t come any sooner. Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.” Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: “OK, first question: Which tire was flat?”

From RV Travel Newsletter

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

When I was a kid, my parents would always say,

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Isolation

Day 3 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she is my wife. She seems nice.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Self-isolation observations….

Ontario has banned groups larger than 5.
If you’re a family of 6, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite!

~~~~~

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required….

Happy hour is starting earlier and earlier.

If this keeps up, I’ll be pouring wine in my cereal.

~~~~~

Today’s Weather? Room temperature.

~~~~~

I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.

~~~~~

Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly.

Now weed is legal and schools are closed … damn kids are livin’ the dream!

~~~~~

This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke….

~~~~~

If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock”, don’t open it.

It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home.

~~~~~

After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside.

I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them.

Now I understand dogs.

~~~~~

Day 18 of social isolation and it’s looking like Vegas in my house:

We’re losing money by the minute.

Cocktails are acceptable at any hour.

Nobody knows what time it is.

--
All the worlds indeed a stage and we are merely players. Rush

News

The Coronavirus has achieved what no female has every been able to achieve. It has cancelled sports, closed all bars and kept all guys at home!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

the bad thing

The bad thing about everyone wearing masks because of the virus is you can't tell when a politician is lying.

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

A guy sits down in a movie theater

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.

When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie."

The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Little Johnny strikes again.

So Johnny tells Mom. “I was at the Playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy" At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for when we’re having Dinner. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the Dinner Table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. “Well, I was at the Playground, and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I followed them to see what they were doing, and then I saw how Daddy gave Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off his pants, and then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jack used to do when Daddy was in the Army.” Then Mom fainted.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Chinese

Chinese doctors have confirmed the name of the first person to contract Coronavirus. His name is Ah-Chu.

Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Brain Teaser

Brain Teaser
What do the following words have in common?
• Assess • Banana • Dresser • Grammar • Potato • Revive • Uneven • Voodoo
(Answer below.)

Brain teaser answer:
If you take the first letter and move it to the rear of the word, you get the same word when read backwards.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Naughty Neighbor

Hi, George, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.

The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently & I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOR'S RESPONSE: George, feeling enraged & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

2nd TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, George, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out & noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"

Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good thing there are no elections happening around here!

Box Car wrote:

The bad thing about everyone wearing masks because of the virus is you can't tell when a politician is lying.

Covid19

I think it is great that people are finally starting to drink water, wipe their ass and wash their hands.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Love it!

Okay, I love this one and am sending it on to 3 friends I think will enjoy it. Thanks!

johnm405 wrote:

Brain Teaser
What do the following words have in common?
• Assess • Banana • Dresser • Grammar • Potato • Revive • Uneven • Voodoo
(Answer below.)

Brain teaser answer:
If you take the first letter and move it to the rear of the word, you get the same word when read backwards.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Not a problem...

Box Car wrote:

The bad thing about everyone wearing masks because of the virus is you can't tell when a politician is lying.

Not really a problem. A politician is ALWAYS lying.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

May the 4th be with you!

An Ewok walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a rum and ... coke.”

The bartender replies, “OK, but why the little pause?”

The Ewok responds “I’ve had them my entire life.”

Funny

Timantide wrote:

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

Funny

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Coffee

As soon as the stewardess serves coffee, the aircraft encounters turbulence. Therefor serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.

Wry humor

JebNY wrote:

As soon as the stewardess serves coffee, the aircraft encounters turbulence. Therefor serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.

There's a certain wryness in this humor. People will use this cause and effect "logic" to argue a point.

Phil

--
Phil in Mentor, Ohio -- Garmin Nuvi 1450

Shoot or Don't Shoot???

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While in-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money".
"HE paid for the Porsche I gave you".
"HE paid for your new 25ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.."
"HE paid for your Football season tickets.."
"HE paid for our house at the lake."
"HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4."
"HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays
the monthly dues."
"And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking
account each month."
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

A Doctor and a Lawyer...

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party, but their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer: "What do you do to stop people asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

The lawyer said: "I give it to them and then I send them a bill."

Although shocked by this, the doctor agreed to give it a try.

The next day the doctor, acting on the lawyer's suggestion, was reluctantly putting a number of bills into his mailbox when he found a bill addressed to him. It was from the lawyer.

Bbq rules:

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!!..

Life in 'Lockdown'

Today's Weather? Room temperature
~~~~~

This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke!

~~~~~
If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock” don't open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.

~~~~~
After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them. Now I understand dogs.

~~~~~
Day 28 of social isolation and it's looking like Vegas in my house:
We're losing money by the minute.
Cocktails are acceptable at any hour.
Nobody knows what time it is.

~~~~~
Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly.
Now weed's legal and school's closed, damn kids are livin' the dream!

The Cynical Philosopher...

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor .”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you're in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Politics

Box Car wrote:

The bad thing about everyone wearing masks because of the virus is you can't tell when a politician is lying.

Of course you can tell, you can still see their mouth move

--
If only ..

Notice from ISIS

We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

hookers

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Stay home

To those who are complaining about the quarantine period and curfews, just remember that your grandparents were called to war, you are being called to sit on the couch and watch Netflix. You can do this.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

--
John from PA

A group of kindergarteners getting ready for first grade

A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”

She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the S**t”.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

There I was sitting at the bar...

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

--
John from PA

Funnies

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Motorcycle Accident

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.

"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

Lying LOL

visiter555 wrote:
Box Car wrote:

The bad thing about everyone wearing masks because of the virus is you can't tell when a politician is lying.

If a politician is talking, they're usually lying. LOL

What wife?

I wish....lol

TheBeachBum wrote:

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.

"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

Funny

TheBeachBum wrote:

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.

"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

Didn’t see that coming!

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

New vocabulary

Coronacoaster*
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic: an emotional coronacoaster.

*Covid-10*
The 10lbs in weight gained from comfort-eating and drinking. AKA “fattening the curve”.

*Quarantinis*
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have on hand. Sipped at “locktail hour”.

*Coronials*
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived during the pandemic. AKA “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.

*Antisocial distancing*
Using health precautions as an excuse for ignoring people you find irritating.

*Furlough Merlot*
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.

*Coronadose*
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.

*The Elephant in the Zoom*
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention: e.g., participant’s dramatic weight gain, terrible facial hair, or worryingly messy house in the background.

*Quentin Quarantino*
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur videos which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

*Covidiot*
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others. AKA a “lockclown”.

*Goutbreak*
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, cake and chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.

--
John from PA

A short one

If I get quarantined for two weeks with my wife and I die. I can assure you it was not the virus that killed me.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Funny!

Funny!

One thing I've learned from Coronavirus precautions ...

I really like touching my own face.

Why

Why do dentist call them Dental X-Rays when they could have called them Tooth Pics

Another Covid19 joke

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

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Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

The Boy and the Game Warden

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

“I know,” the lad replied, “But the other boy didn’t.”

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Quarantine accomplishment

Today marks 22 days of isolation without sugar or alcohol. Walking 8 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. The change has been fantastic! I feel great! A healthy vegan diet, gluten-free, caffeine-free, sugar-free and a 2 hour home workout each day! Lost lbs of fat and gained muscle mass! I’ve mastered sourdough and pickling and am actually providing classes for free online (in fact I feel I should have been a teacher all along) and the balance with work has been outstanding. I’ve also picked up 2 new hobbies, learning to play the banjo and started Italian lessons.

I have no idea whose status this is, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste it. Stay safe, stay well!

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John from PA

Be kind to Nurses

A big shot had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room."What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Yes, but not with a Daffodil.

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Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

They also

have at least two letters doubled.

Personal ad

Single woman with hand sanitizer would like to meet a single man with toilet rolls for good clean fun.
Send picture of toilet paper.

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Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.
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