Factory Joke Thread – August 2020

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

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In A Hurry

In A Hurry A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/vacationjokes.html

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Funny

Thanks for sharing.

--
Nuvi 2460LMT 2 Units

Thats

Painful!

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Wait...what?

Two men are playing golf, and there are two ladies playing in front of them.

The ladies are taking forever...really playing slow. The men are getting impatient.

After about three holes of this, one guy says, “This is ridiculous”. “Get in the cart and go tell them to let us play through!”

So the other guy takes off in the cart.

About halfway to the next hole, he stops, turns the cart around and comes back.

“Hey”, he says. “This is embarrassing but that’s my wife and my girlfriend playing together. “I can’t get near them. You go.”

So the other guy jumps in the cart and heads off.

A minute later he comes back. He doesn’t say anything...just walks over to the tee box.

The first guy says, “Well? Did you talk to them?”

And the second guy says, “Uh...small world!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

funny one

thanks for the laugh

Wrong Side of the Bed

Sister Judy woke up one morning feeling great. She got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.

On her way over there, she ran into sister Jane. “Hi, Sister Jane,” she greeted her.

“I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed, Sister,” Jane replied. Judy did not understand what Sister Jane meant by that, so she ignored it and went on her way.

She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta. “Good morning, Sister Roberta! I am having a great day.”

“I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed,” Sister Roberta replied mysteriously.

The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great, so she decided to go and see Mother Superior.

“Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed, even though I feel great today,” Judy explained, troubled.

Mother Superior responded, ”That's because you have Brother John’s shoes on.

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

The lifeguard

I peed in the pool yesterday.
The lifeguard yelled so load, I almost fell in.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN.....

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You seem to have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Going for a walk ...

So I was walking down the sidewalk when I hear a bunch of people shouting "23! 23! 23!" from a fenced-in yard.

Curious, I peek into the yard through a hole in the fence.

Someone sticks their finger in my eye and the people start shouting "24! 24! 24!"

LoL 25!!!!

LoL

25!!!!

I tried this Covid 19 Test and it truly works !!!

A new and easy test for the horror of Covid 19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).

Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favourite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.

Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.

I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness.

I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms.

I'll report my results later.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,

“Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?

A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.

I’m really happy my prayer worked.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Food Jokes

How does a lemon ask for a hug?
“Give us a squeeze!”

Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce Who?
Lettuce in and you’ll find out!

Why aren’t banana’s ever lonely?
…because they hangout in bunches!

When do you know a banana wants to dance?
When you see a banana shake!

Carla Carrot and Grandpa Swede are having a chat
Carla Carrot: “Peter Parsnip beat Rudi Radish in a thumb war.”
Grandpa Swede: “That’s a turnip for the books.”

Why do potatoes always argue?
Because they can never see eye to eye.

Blondes (You Gotta Love them...)

At The Doctor's Office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible.. says the doctor.
"Show Me".. The redhead took her finger and pushed on her shoulder and screamed, she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed... likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "Well, no," she said, I'm actually a blonde"
"I thought so," the doctor said, "Your finger is broken"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive ca

The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins? Well bring me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat your dad!”, the son answers “Okay give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” 15 minutes later the son pulls up with a jeep and out comes 10 men which start beating the owner of the car. Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Three men are chatting

Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the third man.

The others stare, shocked and bewildered.

"How can you tell?" they ask.

"Because," replies the third man, "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A jockey."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Did you hear about the chef that died?

He pasta way.

We cannoli do so much.

His legacy will become pizza history.

He ran out of thyme.

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2019.30 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

Getting Older

Three ladies were discussing the struggles of getting older.

One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in and said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem. Knock on wood,” as she tapped her knuckles on the table. Suddenly she said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

More getting older

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing

About being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

If you ever feel worthless, just remember

It's someones job to install blinkers on BMW's

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Covid One Liners

Single man with toilet paper seeks single woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Another one . . .

If you see me talking to myself this week, I'm having a parent-teacher conference.

When a kid says

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

LOL

TheBeachBum wrote:

Sister Judy woke up one morning feeling great. She got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.

On her way over there, she ran into sister Jane. “Hi, Sister Jane,” she greeted her.

“I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed, Sister,” Jane replied. Judy did not understand what Sister Jane meant by that, so she ignored it and went on her way.

She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta. “Good morning, Sister Roberta! I am having a great day.”

“I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed,” Sister Roberta replied mysteriously.

The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great, so she decided to go and see Mother Superior.

“Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed, even though I feel great today,” Judy explained, troubled.

Mother Superior responded, ”That's because you have Brother John’s shoes on.

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

Paranoia

Paranoia is out of control: This morning, I sneezed on my laptop and the anti-virus software started a scan of its own!

Accident

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Where are we?

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Leave here with a laugh

Leave here with a laugh

Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of losing a balloon.

Note: from RV Travel News letter

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Oops!

I accidentally brushed my teeth with my son’s body wash.

Every I time I talk I have this weird axe scent.

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2019.30 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

At the pharmacy

Q: How did you meet your husband?
A: I’m a pharmacist. He came to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL!
And only after we were married did I realized that he stutters.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

How do high speed rails get to be so fast?

Lots of training!

Maxine and Gilda

Two elderly ladies, Maxine and Gilda, had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, with their declining physical fitness and somewhat slower mental capacity, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week.

One day when playing cards, Maxine looked at Gilda and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please remind me what your name is.”

Gilda glared at her friend. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared.

Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

Funny!

JebNY wrote:

Paranoia is out of control: This morning, I sneezed on my laptop and the anti-virus software started a scan of its own!

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven,

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Food Jokes

Q: What is black; white; green and bumpy?
A: A pickle wearing a tuxedo.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka!

Q: What's the best thing to put into a pie?
A: Your teeth!

Q: Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny?
A: Then why aren't you laughing!

Should be easy right now !

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

good one!!!

good one!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Hmmm

I just called the incontinence hotline.... they asked if I could hold.....

.....
Thieves broke into a police station and stole 10 new toilets that had recently been installed. The police have nothing to go on.

.....

I bought a toilet brush the other day but I’m not happy with it. I think I’ll go back to paper.

.....

Last night, my wife complained that my obsession with Facebook was destroying the way we communicate, so I blocked her.

.....

A farmer and his dog are herding sheep. They finish and his dog says "I counted 40 sheep". The farmer replies, "That's odd I only got 37". The dog replies "I rounded them up"

--
John from PA

On aging

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

or

Melaqueman wrote:

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

When the squirrel gets on the motorcycle and won't get off.

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up with her head bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Funny!

John from PA wrote:

I just called the incontinence hotline.... they asked if I could hold.....

.....
Thieves broke into a police station and stole 10 new toilets that had recently been installed. The police have nothing to go on.

.....

I bought a toilet brush the other day but I’m not happy with it. I think I’ll go back to paper.

.....

Last night, my wife complained that my obsession with Facebook was destroying the way we communicate, so I blocked her.

.....

A farmer and his dog are herding sheep. They finish and his dog says "I counted 40 sheep". The farmer replies, "That's odd I only got 37". The dog replies "I rounded them up"

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

A Gamble

A very attractive blonde from Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and wanted to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The pit boss said okay.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers and the pit boss, then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,.... but all men... well, are men!

not everyone is cut out for it I guess

Why couldn't the bear survive off of eucalyptus leaves?

He didn't meet the koalafications!

Husband Wants to Know if Wife has been Faithful

An old man asked his wife, “Martha, we’ve soon been married for 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you… Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening when I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that… You saved our home after all. But what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?

Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"

The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Food Jokes III

What did the baby corn say to its mom?
Where’s my popcorn?

Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
Because he was on a roll.

What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

When potatoes have babies, what are they called?
Tater tots.

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