Factory Joke Thread – January 2019

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

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Punctuation counts!

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I've got bad news and worse news"

The doctor says to me, "I've got bad news and worse news"

Me: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live.

Me: Then what's the worse news!?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

New Years Eve Short Jokes

What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!

What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.

What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve? The ice falls out of your drinks!

What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.

What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops? Justin Bieber gets jealous

Where can you find comedians on New Years Eve? Waiting for the punchline.

What do you cows celebrate on December 31st? Moo Years Eve.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/newyearsjokes.html

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

New Years Jokes

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

My New Year's resolution is to break my New Year's resolutions. That way I succeed at something!

New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

Our church

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?" The nun nods and goes looking for it.

It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I brought my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Rabbi

It's bitterly cold outside the Shul. Inside, Rabbi Bloom is getting fed up with the constant
coughing that's disturbing his sermon, so after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman
the shammes and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem.

Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to have a large bowl of cough drops ready in Shul for his next
sermon and instructs him to give one cough drop to any Shul member who begins coughing.

So next shabbes, during the Rabbi's sermon and following orders, every time a member
coughs, Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop. Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the
corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this, the member immediately
gets up and walks out of the Shul.

At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman
and asks, "Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the Shul?"

Hyman replies, "So vat did I said? All I said wuz, 'the Rabbi said "Fa cough"'!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Not the right answer

It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up!
"That's not how field sobriety tests work." replied the police officer

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Jewish mother goes on a flight

The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: “is there a doctor in this plane?”
A man comes quickly and say: “I’m a doctor, what happened?”
The woman replies: “would you like to meet my daughter?”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I know that woman!

I know that woman!

Timantide wrote:

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

New Years resolution...

I resolved to draw up my will and I decided to get cremated since it likely is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

--
John from PA

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"

"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.

"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

yeah ......

Timantide wrote:

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"

"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.

"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."

Priceless wink

--
If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem quickly resembles a nail. (Maslow's Hammer)

funny

and the truth

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

How do you get mice out of the church?

A priest, minister, and Soviet are discussing the subject of vermin.

Priest: "I have tried everything to keep the mice out of the church. I've tried traps, poison, cursing them to Hell, everything!"

Minister: "I baptized them and made them members of the church. Now I only see them on Christmas and Easter!"

Soviet: "I hang up sign that says 'Collective Farm'. Half starve, the other half run away."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Where you From

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a symphony concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Bob," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Bob?", asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Bob replied; "The balcony."

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy.

"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says.

"It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on."

So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.

He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.

"Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back."

"Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?"

"Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.

At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."

He ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

I went to a restaurant...

It was full; no place to sit... I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I went to a restaurant...

It was full; no place to sit... I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"

The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"

The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

never run away and leave

never run away and leave your truck behind!!!

Indian Natal Curry Contest

Caution some mild expletives.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and so I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Natal 'Indians') that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CURRY # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CURRY # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming…. Screw them.

CURRY # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic….Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.

CURRY # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. My sphincter is like the afterburner of an F18 Jet .

CURRY # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Too much!

Costs to much time.

50 years of marriage...

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said to her, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl."

"Now... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

--
John from PA

More Insults

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.

I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Hey, you have something on your chin... no, the 3rd one down.

Getting Older

Three ladies were discussing the struggles of getting older.

One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in and said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem. Knock on wood,” as she tapped her knuckles on the table. Suddenly she said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

Hoodies

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for admission.
God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This Is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers.
Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.
He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."
"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
"No. The Pearly Gates."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

The importance of a space

A secretary got an expensive brand-named pen as a gift from her boss as a
Christmas present.

She sent him a 'Thank you note' by e-mail.

The boss's wife read the e-mail and filed for divorce.

The e-mail said:

"Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has an extraordinary
smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I
was in heaven when using it. Thanks a lot."

Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar......... ...........

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't
tell me you had a prescription."

LOVE THIS ONE!!!

Timantide wrote:

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"

"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.

"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."

Freaking awesome. smile

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

What do vultures take on

What do vultures take on vacation?

Carrion luggage

--
"In order to be old and wise, one first must have been young and stupid."

A man walks into a drug store

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Squirrel Bar Jokes

Nasty Little Boy
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a squirrel in the other.
"Now Listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"
"In that case," said the boy. "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/squirreljokes.html

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

don't fall for it!

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

Going to hell

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid...

Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

European heaven and hell

European heaven is where:

All the soldiers are British, All the wine is French, All the cars are German, All the lovers are Italian, The weather is Greek, And everything is organized by the Swiss

European hell is where:

All the soldiers are French, All the wine is German, All the cars are Greek, All the lovers are Swiss, The weather is British, And everything is organized by the Italians

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

What you say is true.

Timantide wrote:

"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."

Been there twice. rolleyes

Prescriptions ARE the answer...

GAJohn wrote:

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't
tell me you had a prescription."

Bus Stop

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

Insults-Part 3

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

You sound a lot like the Terms and Conditions, that's why I don't care about what you have to say.

You're old enough to remember when emojis were called "hieroglyphics."

I got so drunk last night

I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest...

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea bird

They’ve left no tern unstoned

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure.

Oh wait, she's back.

She just left the room to get food.

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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